alp and cathy had their baby today!

aydin was born at 6.32am, PST, today, june 7. he was 9 lbs, 5 oz. yowza.

ok. so yesterday's entry was fueled by the hormones. well, at least it all makes sense now.

i'm waiting for willo to arrive. she's being a sweetheart and picking me up. i went to yoga for the first time in months and i'm still a little dizzy. i guess the last time was in kauai, which was in january. i always dread going, but then i'm always glad that i did when it's over. today, i thought i was never going to stop shaking and then luckily, it was time for the floor poses. i love the floor poses.

i had a conversation online with raaf today. it's kind of interesting to me that i'm talking to him again. i had taken him off my messenger friends list for a while. i just couldn't stand to see his name for a while. it wasn't hate. it wasn't malicious. i just didn't need to know what he was doing. anyway, i'm ok with it now, and it's been surprisingly nice to chat with him. no, i'm not going back to that. it's just a nice thing to be able to talk to someone with whom you were once very close, with someone who you think *kind of* gets you.

anyway, we were talking about writing and what it's purpose was. what's the point in writing stories? is it just a creative outlet? what's the point in writing an autobiography? is it about narcissism? what's the point in writing a blog? do i think that what i do is all that interesting to anyone? nah. i just do it for myself. sure, it's interesting to me to know that a few people read it. however, i do it cuz it's just a way for me to document my life, to remember when i'll need to be reminded. he was all worried that people wouldn't get what he wrote. well of course not, cuz everyone is unique. everyone's going to read it and interpret it in way that is unique to his or her experiences and the relationships he or she makes and the definitions he or she may have for the descriptors that raaf uses. you can't control what people are going think, say, or do. i let go of that a while ago...

lanha: you sf kids are FREAKS
jee: haha
lanha: noone dates regularly anymore
lanha: ALL FUCKING FREAKS
lanha: with your freakish tech bios
lanha: and FREAKISH rituals
lanha: you need to move
lanha: welcome back to realilty
lanha: and talk to people all day
lanha: not through any services

(after i told her that i was on nerve and saw someone i knew on it.)

lanha: well you are a serial dater
jee: well you know
lanha: i'm going ot win the lottery
lanha: and make a tv show
jee: it's not like i want to be a serial dater
lanha: DATE MY FRIEND
lanha: I GAVE HER 2 MILL
jee: would that be me?
lanha: and then silvio and i would be the judges
lanha: for all your suitors
jee: oh brother
lanha: cause essentially
lanha: we'll give them half the money if they marry you
jee: thanks
jee: didn't know i needed bribery
lanha: no
lanha: but that way
jee: if i met someone and was totally into him i wouldn't be a serial dater
lanha: lots of suitors will come
lanha: and we can shoo them away
lanha: yeah i know
lanha: you have your moments of settling in
jee: when i think it's right

it seems like everyone is trying to set me up. sunhee just went through describing this show she saw on tv about women who look for the wrong men. they make bad decisions. she decided that we had to go to a happy hour to meet the right guy for me. oh brother. unfortunately, her theory was proven true tonight. no, not with me. she and cynthia went to houstons (her favorite place) and cynthia met a guy there. that's good. for her. i just don't want the help.

i've actually done match and found it tiring. it was hard to keep everyone straight and to always be *on*. i don't think it was just match. i think it was more a function of the dating many people at once. i didn't like that. i don't think i'd go back to it. not sure why i was looking on nerve in the first place (other than a couple of friends had suggested it to me). i guess i was just curious.

after a few emails back and forth, rebecca asked me if i was bummed. i'm not sure why she asked that, but when posed with the question, i realized that i was sort of bummed.

a few weeks ago, when i was out with joanne, she asked me if there was anything in my life that made me unhappy. i could only name one thing. and when it came out of my mouth, i felt vain and superficial. in the last three years, my body has changed quite a bit and maybe it's not noticeable to others (although i think it is) but it certainly is to me. i think i was actually too thin at one point. this is hardly the case now. anyway, i'm going to do something about it. i'm going to get a trainer for the next three months. why three months? three months is a quarter of a year. three months is long enough to see progress. i turn 32 in three months.

in some ways i feel like i really started to live just three years ago. i mean, i was social like i am now. i went to galleries, hung out in the city (nyc, that is), and all that. however, i don't know that i really knew myself or cared to know myself until 2000. maybe this is why my body freaked out on me. i was finally taking notice of myself. instead of living to please someone else, i was living to please myself. now i'm feeling very selfish as i type. but it's not like that. it's about knowing what you need to grow as a person. it's about 'attending' to yourself as my then psychiatrist would say. everyone needs to do that.

so now, i have to get back on the wagon. maybe not work out the 6 or 7 days a week i used to. maybe not be as thin as i used to be. but something close would be nice.

i didn't think that my physical appearance was as linked to my self-esteem as it seems to be now. i still don't know that it really is all that connected. would i rather be a supermodel or a intellectual? no brainer. would i rather enjoy a life with food and drink or starve myself to wear the latest fashion. i am over that.... or am i?

lately i feel challenged by my life in most facets. work has been grueling and it has tested my perseverence and my patience. having been a teacher for several years, i thought i could deal with anyone. adults are different.

i feel fortunate to have a group of people i call friends, but sometimes i feel very alone. sometimes i want to be alone. however, if you're out of sight are you out of mind, and if this is the case, were they really your friends?

i don't know why i'm so introspective tonight. this is probably too weighty an entry.

maybe it's because i'm trying to lay the foundation this year. trying to get my things in order... my financial things, my emotional things, my intellectual things. i'm thinking a lot lately.... about the past, the present, and the future, but probably too much about the past and future and not enough about the present. at least, this is my perception, which, for all intents and purposes, is reality.

i know this feeling will pass as it always does. life has its ups and downs, and i'm ok with writing about the low points. i know some people like to present just the positive, but that's not real. it can't be. you have to embrace both.

just had to post the story about a new video game.

more soon

i just got in from having dinner with patrick at asmara in the east bay. the last time i had african food was in chicago, years ago. i don't remember liking it much, but tonight was delicious. after dinner, patrick and i brought dessert over to david and karl's. i haven't seen them since nathan and cole joined their family. the boys were asleep, but we peeked into their room, and they are gorgeous. i can't wait to meet them. david and karl looked tired, but i think they are enjoying parenthood. they went on and on about the progress the boys have made in the few short weeks they have been living with them. it is wonderful to see them so happy. david took 5 weeks off from cisco and karl is taking a couple quarters off to be a full-time dad. it's very exciting.

now i have to go order some GARDENING stuff for the boys. apparently, they're totally into that. and blocks, too.

i just read that they are going to have a tour of the eames house on june 21 and 22. it's in celebration of the eames's 52nd anniversary. maybe i'll go to that. i wish it was the weekend afterwards, since i'll already be there for tracy's wedding.

i am still a little bummed about field day, but tonight was a pretty good subsitute.

i'm not going to ny.

Word of the Day for Wednesday June 4, 2003

interpolate \in-TUR-puh-layt\, transitive verb:
1. To alter or corrupt (as a book or text) by the insertion of
new or foreign matter.

my day has been interpolated with foreign matter = field day moved to GIANTS STADIUM IN NEW JERSEY.

new tickets must be purchased.

ticket prices have not been released.

music lineup has not been released.

tickets go on sale at 5pm EST.

shit.

now i'm not sure if i should go. it doesn't cost me anything except the stress of work when i return. ack.

oh, i have to mention raaf now.

i told him to go to the andy goldsworthy exhibit in san diego. i knew he would love it. he took a couple of pictures there.

i often tell raaf about cool things to do in la and san diego. i am actually somewhat surprised that he went to the goldsworthy, but i'm glad he did.

i just ate a burrito that was nearly the opposite that i ordered. all beans, no rice. i guess it was an honest mistake, but what remained on my plate was a sea of green salsa and refried beans. ew.

i'm working. yeah, i'm still working. i'm taking a break to blog (yeah, i must be a geek).

i have yet to pack for new york. lanha just told me that she expects it to be a wet field day. dunno what to pack now.

i will hopefully see my friend sylvia. i want to be her when i grow up. she was my mentor at my first job. she is a master teacher. very intelligent. extremely cultured. lives in new jersey, but goes into manhattan several times a week to attend shows, visit museums, and do anything and everything else that interests her. she lived in europe for a time, and i think she'll return. she is always disappointed by the people here.

she's a widow, but was madly in love with her husband, tom. they used to party all over europe together. she never remarried.

she recently retired, which has freed her time to do tai chi, paint, learn the piano, and do lots of other things i can't remember now. she considered me the daughter she never had, and i was happy to be that. i can't wait to have a cocktail with her.

i left my computer at work last night. it wasn't as liberating as i thought it would be.

i am leaving for new york in about 36 hours. i have so much to do before then, but it will be nice to take my one little red bag on the plane ... NO computer.

just checked the field day site and they have the band lineup. it's going to be a tough choice between liz phair and spiritualized.

lanha's trying to get tix to the radiohead show at the beacon on thurs night. it's a $2 show put on by mtv. needless to say, it's a lottery system and she didn't get tix that way. her brother, lobo, is in the music industry, so she may get to see them after all. david's agreed to babysit me for the night anyway.

friday night, i may go to see laurent garnier with silvio and the boys. we'll see... gotta be awake for the fest.

more soon

the (coincidentally appropriate) word of the day:

desultory \DES-uhl-tor-ee\, adjective:
1. Jumping or passing from one thing or subject to another
without order or rational connection; disconnected; aimless.

souris (08:41:26 PM): yeah i dont believe in dating
souris (08:41:30 PM): so you're talking to the wrong person
jee (08:41:42 PM): well how can you not date?
jee (08:41:49 PM): if you're single
souris (08:41:50 PM): you just pick a person, go for it.
jee (08:41:51 PM): what do you do?
souris (08:41:51 PM): and that's it
...
souris (08:41:54 PM): i never ever dATED
souris (08:41:56 PM): ever in my life
souris (08:41:58 PM): no dinners
souris (08:41:59 PM): no movies
souris (08:42:05 PM): i found a person, hooked up and that was enough
jee (08:42:05 PM): interesting.
souris (08:42:15 PM): silvio and i are firm believers in NON DATING
souris (08:42:17 PM): bc dating is a job interview
souris (08:42:19 PM): what fun is that
jee (08:42:21 PM): yeah i am not much for it.
souris (08:42:27 PM): you should know what you are attracted to and by
souris (08:42:29 PM): and that should be enough
souris (08:42:33 PM): for you to make your move?
souris (08:42:36 PM): but you are a serial dater

woke up late again today, but i still made it to the gym. nancy and i got coffee across the street and ran into mike, my ex from three boyfriends ago. i had seen mike before a couple times, and he had ignored me before. i think he was still bitter. he really couldn't avoid me this time without being completely rude, since i was with nancy. he and nancy have remained friends. anyway, it was a little awkward, but at least he acknowledged me this time. he probably would have ignored me again, had i not been with nan.

i got home, and i wasn't sure if jonas and i were really going to meet up today. we had made plans (via im), but hadn't confirmed them. he seems pretty responsible, so i decided to head over to yank sing for dim sum. i got there just a minute before him and as i asked the hostess if there was a reservation for us, he snuck up behind me.

dim sum is all about instant gratification. within seconds of sitting, we had a stream of four or five women offering their carts laden with steaming dim sum delights.

we walked over to the moma and saw the treasures of modern art exhibit at the top, then worked our way through the klee, the gursky, the seca award winners, and then finally the design and architecture exhibit. we cruised through the permanent collection on the second floor before heading over to the festival that was happening in the yerba buena gardens. we weren't sure what was going on there, but found out that it was the israel in the gardens festival. it was closing down, so we went inside and hit the where the wild things are. much to our disappointment, it was closing in 18 minutes and we decided that it wasn't enough time. i was afraid we would be too enthralled by it and wouldn't want to leave. it would have to be another day.

walking back to the car, i was reminded at how great it is to walk around the city. i don't do it enough. there are loads of cool buildings and sculptures downtown. it was a gorgeous day, even at 6pm.

after i dropped jonas off, i had dinner with mike. his wife and daughter are away until thursday, and i wanted to make sure that he was eating and not too lonely. he's a new dad and this is the first time that rosana and alegria have been away.

willo just sent me photos from yesterday. it's great that she takes her camera everywhere. i think of doing that, but don't most of the time. i should. i guess this blog is a way of documenting my life, although photos would probably compliment it. i'll definitely take my camera to field day. i can only imagine how crazy it's going to be. as i looked at gursky's may day iv, i thought that field day will probably be like it.