i didn't have my lesson this morning. i'm going to have it tomorrow. more time to practice.

i went to box this morning and then picked up some seafood in the mission. made myself some lunch, as i'm trying to eat a bit more protein now that i'm doing more strength training than before.

i'm trying to decide what to do today. i think the beach will have to wait until tomorrow. i need to clean my house. i'm unmotivated.

****

yesterday i talked to my mom for a while. i hadn't talked to her in over a week, and i missed her. she called me and we caught up. she's started taking ceramics. this made me happy. she saw some of the stuff that i had made and i told her that i really enjoyed it. she's been going twice a week -- one day of instruction and one day of open studio time. she's only done handbuilding, and i encouraged her to try the wheel. that's all i do. she's also been taking english classes, which is great. she really seems to enjoy it. she told me about her teacher. she is 80, but acts like a 60 year old. my mom is 62. mom's also been gardening a lot, which is good, but it's been really hot in chicago. she takes naps in the afternoon to replenish her energy. it's cool that my mom is keeping busy and enjoying her retirement. i look forward to that time, too, but i hope i don't have to wait until i'm 60 to have it.

****

i've been looking for tix to chicago and for whatever weird reason, they're all really expensive. i can't stand the thought of spending between $350-400 on a flight home. i really wanted to go home for zoe's birthday, but the timing may not work. my sister and bro in law are going on a cruise to alaska and won't return until the 25th. i have to be back here on the 28th. i know mom won't be happy if i stay for just three days. i suppose i could arrive before jin gets home.

****

i can't believe it's already july. i have so many things i want to do before the end of the year and it seems that time is flying by. i want to get to ny by the end of the summer or early fall. i need to go to chicago. i'd like to take a break at some point, too. maybe i'll take from thanksgiving to after the first of the year off. i wonder where i could go during that time. i know i'll have to be home for some of it, but i'd like to get away somewhere, as well. maybe a surf camp or a bike trip.

i got up late today and was still indecisive about what i was going to do. the beach seemed really tempting to me, but the thought of tons of 4th of july bbq-ers did not. i decided to take willo up on her offer and go to the bbq at jason's with her and jane. it was a potluck, so i had to think of something to bring. i thought i'd make a pasta salad, but then realized i didn't have anything interesting to put in it. i tried to find something at the local grocery store, but then ended up going to the safeway in potrero. they had corn, which i love, and i called willo to see if there was anything else i could bring for her. i bailed on the pasta salad and decided to bring corn and some other stuff instead. good thing, too, cuz jane made a great pasta salad which was nearly identical to the one that i was going to bring.

when i got home from the safeway, i realized that i didn't know how to grill corn. i search instructions online, and found a recipe that i thought sounded great. minced garlic, onions, black pepper and olive oil. i slathered the combination on to each ear .... pretty sensual ;)

jason's bbq was small and intimate. it was cool to meet new people. most of them worked at google with ev. i felt sort of old, though, especially after talking to a guy who i found out was actually only 23. eek. no interest in him. still felt old. anyway ....

willo had another party in telegraph hill, and we were trying to decide if we should go there. i was pretty apathetic. she was, too. we decided to flip a coin.

as we drove over to lombard street, it occurred to us that we would probably never find parking. of course, we didn't, and after 30 min of looking, drove back to our hood.

now, i'm sitting here, looking at some small fireworks out of my living room window. happy 4th.

i just practiced my violin for about an hour. i thought about doing this as i drove home from work tonight. when i looked for the music on my stand, i realized that i hadn't practiced since my last lesson. that was almost two weeks ago.

i went through the regular ritual. checked tge length of my fingernails. too long. trimmed them down to the point where they nearly hurt. i guess my fingertips don't have enough flesh on them, as my nails usually get in the way. i opened up the case and strummed the four strings. my d was out. way out. its still sort of new (i popped the last one a few weeks back and luckily jim had an extra) and that's what happens. they don't stick.

after a scale, i started with the hard one ... the bruch ... the one with the wacky octaves that sound horrifying unless you get them just right. it's best to start with the hardest, cuz the others you play are sort of a reward, and they invariably sound better, relatively speaking. the thais was next. this one can bring you to tears. it's gorgeous. i don't do it justice. then i played a haydn that i'm revisiting.

****

i've come to realize that there are some things that you just can't share on a blog. tonight i wanted to write about what's on my mind, and i realized that since it involves other people, it may compromise their privacy, and i wouldn't do that. it's interesting, cuz even though i'm not really sure who reads this or cares what's here, i still have to censor it .

****

i updated some of the links on the top page of my blog. i also updated some of the restaurant listings and activities. although i'd like to spend more time on this, i'm not wholly motivated. i do find it a little embarassing, however, since i work on the web. however, i'm not a visual designer, so i guess it's not that bad.

****

i'm still not sure what i'm going to do this long weekend. i've been uncharacteristically indecisive. there's a bbq tomorrow, where i'd probably meet a bunch of people and get to see willo, jane, and michelle. i'm sure that would be fun. but as i look around my apartment, it's clear that i've got to do some serious cleaning. saturday's up in the air, too. santa cruz? my lesson? the gym? cleaning? a gallery opening? bbq with wes and rebecca? can't decide. part of me wants to find a secluded, warm beach, and lie in the sun.

****

so last night i was talking to a friend online and i was telling him that in the past year i realized that i have only dated boys in my life. he said something in response that got me thinking. since i promised that i wouldn't repeat the exact conversation, i'll have to paraphrase. he said something to the effect of "they were boys because that's where you put them."

in spite of what i may think or project, i have a serious motherly streak in me. i take care of people. i enjoy that. i like to help people, to assist them in doing whatever it is that they want or need to do. i am protective of my friends and family. i am fiercely loyal. i trust people (probably too quickly), and i give people a lot of rope before they hang. i'm also a doer. all of this can be overwhelming to someone with whom i'm intimate and passionate about. it can make it difficult to be cared for, to have these things reciprocated. i'm learning that i have to allow people to do that for me sometimes. i have to provide the opportunties for people to take care of me, plan things for me, to look out for me. maybe i don't do that enough, or at all.

i feel like i'm going to burst. i just got in from a girls' korean dinner night at kat's. there were three korean girls (alyx, caroline, and me) and two wannabe's (coreen and kat). julie was supposed to come, but she had to bail and karen, kat's roommate was going to join us, but had a friend in town (a boy). we thought we had too much food, but we nearly finished it all.

alyx made her famous spicy pork ribs. she has a secret recipe, and in spite of tonight's premise as cooking lesson meets feast, she kept it secret. i can understand why. i had to indulge! she helped kat make some chive and jalapeno pancakes, which were yummy. caroline brought vegetarian and meat mandoo (korean wontons), duk (dessert rice cakes), amazing chongak kimchee (radish with green stems -- incidentally, my favorite variety of kimchee) and keem (pan fried seasoned seaweed). i made a whole red snapper and shrimp. i also brought a bottle of san (mountain) soju. it was all delicious.

there's something about hanging out with girls that i really enjoy. it's cliche and all, but women do really have a different (and probably better) way of dealing with each other. i hadn't seen alyx or kat for a while, so we were catching up on the latest news. i told them about my trip to la this weekend, and about seeing an ex. they were both amazed that i hadn't seen him in a year. within the first five minutes, the 'did you have sex' question came up. funny.

i was the oldest of the group by a few months. alyx just turned 31, coreen's 30, kat's 28 (i think), and caroline's the baby ... still somewhere in her early to mid twenties. kat, alyx, and coreen all talked about how their 'i want a baby' knob had been turning on and in some cases it seemed more like a switch. neither caroline or i were experiencing that. i know that i wouldn't have a kid on my own. it would just be too hard, and i'm not sure if i would want a kid growing up without a father. just not sure. having said that, and being single currently, i don't feel any urge to be pregnant (other than loving the idea of eating whatever i wanted).

i've certainly dated men who i thought would make good fathers. i just haven't usually thought about any of them being the father of my kids. i only considered that once, and this was not long ago. i haven't thought about it much since that relationship.

***
when i got into work this morning, i got an im from jonathan. he's in ny now. he took a job that i was considering at hotjobs. he told me that he was reading the tipping point and he thought of me. he said something like "you're a maven ... a connector." i guess i'll have to check it out.

i had a really unproductive day at work. i'm not sure if it has to do with
a. hormones
b. my job
c. need for a vacation

i did, however, have a productive exercise day. since i was not getting much done in the afternoon, i took off at 4.45 with mike. got to the gym before 6. boxed for a half an hour with tom (my saturday instructor) in ernie's class (used to take his class religiously, and yes, he looks a bit like ernie from sesame street). took the next class for 45 min. now, my legs are achy, and i think i jammed my finger.

i have to be at the gym at work tomorrow morning at 7. ugh. i should get to bed now.

tomorrow night, kat's having a korean dinner at her house. it's four korean women, kat, and coreen. should be fun. i am going to try to remember how to make the fish my mom makes.

i haven't yet decided what to do over the long weekend. i have been thinking about driving to la, but i'm not sure that's wise. i just got a recall notice on my car, and i've got to take it in to get some sort of retro fitting. probably not the wisest thing to take it on a 1k trip.

jane's going to go strawberry picking on saturday in santa cruz. willo's going to visit her bro, max, in santa cruz. i'm invited to both. rebecca's coming back on sat and invited me to a bbq on sat night. i should just stay put and clean my house and enjoy sf. but some of me really feels like getting away and maybe a road trip would do it.

so something i didn't mention about this weekend is that i saw an exboyfriend. i don't think i've seen him in over a year. we didn't talk for most of that year, either. i was sorta worried about how it would go, but we had a great weekend.

today, we talked.

r: so now things get really confusing i suppose
r: but
r: i am not confused
j: why would things get confusing ... i didn't ask you about anything in the 'future'
r: i know
j: i had a lot of time to think
j: and i have some perspective on it all now
r: what do you think
j: 1. there was a point in time not long ago when i couldn't deal with long distance relationships. and i remembered that yesterday. this is not to say that i could do one now, with you or anyone. however, i would entertain the thought of one and see how it went. (i'm not thinking specifically about you ... but more that i understand that it takes a lot of commitment and a belief that you're not *missing out* on something by having a long distance thing.)
j: 2. that i'm not sure that you and i have the same long term vision/goals in life. this is sort of the larger question for all relationships ... again not specific to you. and my not knowing this about you, specifically, gave me some perspective.
j: 3. what does it mean when you get along with someone really well... when you can almost complete that person's sentence and thoughts .... when you have chemistry ... when you enjoy the same things, yet can teach/show each other about things that the other has not yet learned or experienced ... are all of these things the keys to a good relationship? or is there more? dunno.
j: still an open question.
r: wow
r: you nailed it
r: verbatim
r: of how i feel
j: 2 and 3 are related
j: if i knew that we shared the same life vision, then 3 would probably be moot

i'm definitely clearer now.

just got in from la. had a great weekend. got to see a lot of art -- lead poisoning at new image, a to z at bergamot station, and alphabeast at la luz de jesus. took a tour of the gamble house in pasadena.

ate good food -- musha and matsuhisa (nobu's first restaurant).

went to a beautiful wedding in palos verdes estates at la venta inn for my friends tracy and kurt. more pics to come shortly.

hung out at hermosa beach for a while.

the art in la is great, but i think that sf's easier. since the city is not as spread out as la, it's easier to get around to see the art. there's less transit time, less pretention. it's just easier. however, i do like la. i stayed in venice the first couple of nights. the hotel i was at was alright. i dunno that i'd go back to the cadillac. i didn't have the room i wanted for both nights and the manager was kind of mean the second day. it's a great location, but the rooms were smallish. it would have been fine if the manager was a little nicer about not having the room that i reserved.

i had a minor fiasco, too. when i unpacked the dress i was going to wear to the wedding, i realized that it was ripped. i think my dry cleaner did it. i can't imagine how i would have done it, as i kept it hanging in my closet, covered in the plastic until i packed it. i had to get some thing quick, and luckily i found a little ensemble at max studio. it was a little more than i wanted to spend, but i think i can wear it again, since it's a top and skirt.

anyway, i'm considering going back either next weekend or the weekend after that to see lanha. she's going to be there alone and attending to the house. we'll see.