i got up early and went to the gym. it was good to get the workout out of the way. i usually have my violin lesson on saturday mornings, but my teacher was out of town this weekend, so we'll try to do something this week.

i showered at the gym and then headed over to marin. there was a sale at marin surf sports, and i was set on getting a wetsuit since i'm planning to surf tomorrow with scott and rebecca. i got the suit, booties, and a soft car rack. i got a discount on everything. i'm all set now. hopefully they will all get a lot of use in the coming weeks.

after running a few more errands, i headed over to brooke's bbq for a bit. i had wanted to make an appearance there, even though i had willo's bbq at 4 and then ashley's dinner party at 7.30. i picked up jane to go to willo's, which was fun. there were a bunch of new people there, and i met a guy who does the website for the gamble house. i also talked to sarah about costa rica. she's definitely in, and we're just trying to find the right dates. i'm excited! now, i just have to talk to my boss about the time off.

jane and i left willo's and headed to alameda for ashley's get together. it was intimate; there were about 10 of us there. they had a ton of food, all prepared by ashley's boyfriend kevin. kevin had lived in spain for a year and most of the food was spanish. kevin had been teaching middle school spanish in rome, new york, which is where he, jane, and ashley all grew up. he decided to go to spain for a year cuz he had always wanted to live there and to improve his spanish. he said that it was the perfect time since he was still young and single. he thought it was worth the money he spent and borrowed to go. it kind of inspired me to do the same.

i don't think i'd stay in one place if i took a year off. i would probably want to spend time in a bunch of different places and to come back to san francisco or another place that i considered a home base. i'll have to think about that.

although it's only 11.24 and it's a saturday night, i'm ready to sleep soon. i had a busy, fun saturday. i'm hoping that tomorrow's as fun, if not more.

i had a fun day in santa cruz with people from work. i actually participated in three *olympic* activities - water balloon toss, three legged race and pyramid building. this is 300% more than my participation last year, although i don't know if that's accurate since 0*300% = 0. in any case i think i've filled my quota for particpation in at least the next three or four offsites. my carpool left around 3 (we got to the beach at 10.30), but i didn't get home until after 5.

rick came by to pick me up at 6 and we went to the moma to see the chagall exhibit. when i was getting the tix at theh corporate members desk she told me that yahoo's membership had lapsed and maybe i wanted to tell someone. uhm ... ok ... i guess jerry spent all his money on the asian art museum instead ...

rick and i finished looking at the exhibit earlier than expected, but we headed over to azie anyway. we had some cocktails and talked about his impending departure. he's going to london for gradschool. i told him that i hoped he wasn't going to get discouraged by the slow machine that is government, as he is going into public health policy and that can be difficult and frustrating. we had a nice meal -- oysters (mostly him), maki (it was just OK), udon with seared scallops (this was pretty good), and halibut with pea sprouts. we topped it off withh some warm chocolate cake. i didn't have much but it still seemed like too much.

i have a pretty full day ahead of me tomorrow ... time for bed.

i got up super late today, but i guess it's cuz i stayed up until 2am this morning. i was doing some work and chatting a bit with some friends i hadn't talked to for a while.

i rolled into work at 10.45 and then had a couple of aggravating meetings, after which i exclaimed profanities for the next 5 minutes.

however, a few good things....

i went to pick up a four of my pieces from the ceramics studio on the way home. i'm pretty happy with them. i tend to do better with the darker glazes for some reason. i think it has to do with the color of the clay. anyway, i'm inspired to continue with it. i hope i get into the next session.

i'm having dinner now: a kettle one martini, up with four olives and a bowl of watermelon. i had a bagel today (plain -- not usually my choice, but this was all that was left at that time of the day, toasted, with honey) at 4.30. by 5pm i was thinking about the next thing i would eat. i dunno what's wrong with my appetite. i usually have a great one ... too great, actually. however, since i took those meds, i have not really had a taste for anything. now, since i have been off the meds for about a week, i am slowly regaining it. i have definitely had my share of issues with food in the past. i'm a stress eater and i like food. ah well....

tomorrow i have an all-day offsite with my design group. we're going to santa cruz. we did it last year and it was super fun. this was largely due to the fact that wendy and didn't participate in the *olympics* and decided to lay out on the sand and walk along the boardwalk. i'm hoping for good weather tomorrow as well. i got sunscreen tonight.

i need to finish my dinner and then get cracking on some more work.

i got up late, but still early enough to call AAA and get my car fixed in less than an hour. gotta love AAA. who knew that they could bring a charged battery and install it on the spot? they must have done some research on this.

****

got to work in time to make it to half of my first meeting of the day. tuesdays are pretty slow in terms of meetings. i had a nice lunch with matte. he is one of my favorite people at work, and although we hadn't planned on eating together, i'm glad that our 10 min in the lounge turned out to be an hour outside in the courtyard. he's been away quite a bit lately, dealing with some not so fun family stuff on the east coast. i had wanted to talk to him about it and to update him on the last month of my life. it was good to talk to him, as it usually is. he is another source of perspective, something that i need desperately lately.

although i was feeling pretty scattered at work, it seemed like i got some stuff done. i keep thinking about mike's words ... sometimes you have to do what you don't want to do. yeah... but sometimes it still sux.

****

i'm not a complainer by nature. however, i feel like i've been complaining a lot lately. i'm not sure what it is really. something that matte mentioned to me today ... trait or state? is this a state i'm going through or is it a trait that is surfacing that i didn't know i had? i guess in some ways it doesn't matter. the point is that i have to find a way to get beyond it, if its a state, or a way to deal with it constructively, if it's a trait.

****

matte was describing his wife today. it almost made me cry, and selfishly i wondered if would ever describe my mate like that or would be described similarly. the thing that's most poignant is that matte is not one of those people who thinks that getting married it a requirement to having a commitment. i agree with him. people can be commited to one another, even if the ceremony and document are absent. but today, he explained how he understood why he married ande and that she was more amazing than he had ever known. i know i'm not describing this well. it's like, you marry someone because you love them, because you know that they're great. but often, perhaps fortunately, this isn't really tested in really difficult cases. when it is, and when that other person meets the difficulty and supercedes it, you know how important and amazing he/she is. this is what matte expressed today, and this is what touched me.

****

tomorrow, my manager wants to talk about the email i sent him last week, which basically demanded that i be able to take time off between thanksgiving and the new year. i'm not sure what i'm going to say to him tomorrow. the deadlines are getting pushed out and the projects i'm working on seem to be prolonged. i had thought that thanksgiving was going to be the right time to take a break. i'm not so sure now. in a meeting i had today, i found out that several engineers i work with had planned to take vacations during december. this, in theory, may be more conducive to my taking time off at the same time. i'm not sure, though. i would like to have a coherent plan in mind before talking to my manager. i'm just not sure that i will have one by tomorrow afternoon.

part of me also fears that if i took the time off and didn't do something really satisfying during the time, i would feel like it was wasted. also, i'm now thinking that 6 weeks just won't be enough. it will take me a week or so to release myself from work and the remaining time doesn't seem to be enough to allow me to do what i want. some of me feels like i'd like to take a year. a year really isn't that long.

although i've been really fortunate with the jobs i've had as an adult, i also worry that i won't be able to find something when i return to work, especially after a year. ugh. i'm so wound up about this; it's not like me. and i'm feeling like a brat cuz i'm complaining about having a job when a few people i know just got laid off.

****

i still don't know what i'm doing for my birthday.

****

mom wants to visit me soon so that she can deliver the next set of meds. it's actually the second set of the same meds, cuz it seems like i haven't progressed enough to get to the next phase. this weekend is hectic. i'd basically have to bail on the plans i had to go to a couple bbqs, birthday dinner, and yoga. i guess in the grand scheme of things it's not a big deal. i'd probably have to use my frequent flier miles to get her here, which, again, is not a huge deal. i know i'd like to see my mom. she's great, but i worry that i would lose it while she was here, which would make her worry even more about me after she left.

my car won't start. it ticks when i try to open the doors with my remote. the lights are dim when i turn the key. the usually annoying indicator to tell me that i have the door open while the engine is running is faint. ugh.

so i have to call AAA in the morning to try to help me jump the thing. i have a feeling that i need a new battery; i took a peek and it looks sick.

****

mike reminded me of something basic, but important tonight: sometimes you have to do things that you don't want to do. yeah, i know this. i used to be able to suck it up more. i just don't know why lately i'm not able to withstand the bullshit of work. i know i should be careful of what i wish for.

****

i bought one of those *personal* watermelons last week. it's small... the size of a bowling ball ... and it's supposed to be seedless. i finally cracked it open tonight. it was good, but not seedless. i feel a little jipped.

saturday night/sunday morning i went to my first strip club. it was pretty much as i would have expected it. many neon lights. many breasts. many gstrings.

the women were actually better looking than i thought they would be. i kept thinking of an hbo *documentary* i saw pieces of several years ago (when i still had cable and watched it).

we ordered the requisite table dances, which were more like gymnastics floor exercise meets contortion, and slipped the folded dollar bills between her body and the thong. they seemed to be somewhat friendlier around the female patrons, but who knows. i don't know what's standard behavior in that environment.

it didn't seem weird or dirty to me. it just seemed like entertainment. it was actually more interesting to watch the patrons, kind of like a baseball game. i don't really watch much of the game. it's more about the weather, the fans, and the food.