tonight i met up with rock, jean, alf, and noriko. i hadn't seen rock in at least three or four years, i had never met jean or noriko, and it was probably 1991 when i last saw alfred. weird.

so, rock, was the second boyfriend i had in college. he was the first guy i fell in love with, and he was the first guy i ever slept with. he and i don't talk very much anymore, since we're both busy, but we still have a good rapport with each other, and in spite of some drama that ensued in past years, it's all fine between us. i like having him in my life, albeit limited capacity. i guess that's what happens when you get married.

i didn't know much about jean, except that her parents had a restaurant biz that she and rock were now involved with. she seemed nice, upbeat. i didn't get to talk to her very much, but got the impression that their life was consumed with work. ugh. i know what that can be like.

i'm not playing the what if game. i'm not entertaining any ideas about what life would be like if i was still dating him.

i guess what all of the recent events have been posing to me is what do i need? the last guy i was trying to date said something to the effect of: "i (he) need more horsepower. you (me) need more mileage." i think he was wrong. i think that i need both. i need horsepower and mileage. yeah ... esoteric analogy ... but i understood what he meant, but didn't agree. i think i need someone who has the energy to be as active as i am; someone who doesn't get tired thinking about the activities that i like to do -- surfing, ceramics, music, rock climbing, boxing, yoga, art gallery openings, etc. -- and will be there when those interests change, when life changes. i need someone who will roll with those changes and adjust accordingly, instead of freaking, freezing, or otherwise acting negatively.

it's interesting, cuz i don't know that i could have articulated this before now. i used to be in this reactionary mode, just responding to what other people needed instead of identifying what i needed as well.

this whole single life is still difficult for me. i've been a serial monogamist for most of my life, and my not being in a relationship right now is a new and uncomfortable place for me. but i guess discomfort leads to growth.

after i picked up mom, we had lunch at aperto. we then went to the chagall exhibit at the moma. there was a crazy line, but since i have a corporate membership, we walked right in. the exhibit was crowded. this was actually my second time there, but i wanted mom to see it.

i noticed a few things that i didn't see the first time around. one of the first paintings you see is the red jew. one of his eyes is closed. one of his hands is green and the other is white. his shoes appear to be mismatched. i didn't see these details before. i don't know what they mean, if anything at all.

there is a painting called the birthday. in it, chagall shows his wife, bella, facing left, and he is sort of levitating above her and his neck is impossibly turned to face her. this painting was sweet and romantic, like most of the ones that he had done which include himself and bella. i didn't completely notice it before; the art is sweet, sentimental, romantic, and passionate. the first time, i saw the his humor and playfulness in these particular paintings.

they were married for about 30 years before bella died. she was his muse. they must have had a fun life together. i wonder what she did.

****

mom says that she can tell that i'm getting better. she says that my face looks better, particularly my eyes. she brought another series of meds with her. they are *stronger* than the others. yikes. apparently the third time's the charm, too.

it just occurred to me why she wanted to stay for 5 days. it's sort of a reconnaissance mission for her with respect to the herbs. she wants to see what the effects are and i guess i have to have taken them for 5 days.

she told me that my brother in law's sister just lost a lot of weight. apparently, her husband dished out $6k for 30 sessions of some sort of gem/stone massage treatment. she didn't exercise. she could eat anything. of course this seemed strange to me. so, i asked mom if she did anything else. yep - no eating after 7pm. well, DUH. if you don't eat, you lose weight. not rocket science here. mom still thinks it was the gem/stones.

****

i'm making crab tonight for mom.

****

i'm actually considering going to denver to see bowie's show at the fillmore there. it's a small venue, and i've never been to denver. maybe it'll be fun. i just don't know what would be cheaper, actually -- a weekend in denver and seeing bowie in a small venue or closer seats to the sj show.

****

i told mom about my costa rica trip. she thinks it's a great idea and is excited for me to surf for a week. she didn't freak out about the 3 days alone, either. good sign.

robert palmer died. i wasn't a huge fan, but wow. seems like musicians are dying left and right.

i'm having my coffee, i've read my email and now i'm trying to wake up. i went to bed around 3 this morning. at a little after 6, my sister called me to tell me that mom had gotten on the plane and had to check luggage - add a few minutes before leaving to get her. i just checked her flight and it seems to be running late. she probably won't arrive until about noon.

i'm actually working a bit, but i'm alright with that, considering i have a little more time than i anticipated.

it's cold today. maybe the chagall is a good call.

i just finished up some work that i had to do for tomorrow (i guess today). mom is coming in 8 hrs. i'm not sure if i should sleep now and clean my room in the morning or if i should do this now. it won't take very long.

****

more thoughts on radiohead

i was iming with lanha tonight, briefly, and i mentioned that i really enjoyed the concert. she said that she had read my post about it and that i hadn't really said much. i guess that's true.

i felt sort of lame cuz i didn't know many, if any at all, of the song titles. i definitely recognized some. i was suprised at how danceable some of the songs were. i usually listen to amnesiac when i'm at work. i have a lot of their albums in mp3 format, but i just listen to that one. it's by far the most somber of their catalogue.

the lead singer of the band reminded me of bjork. he was energetic and cute; he played to the crowd and really seemed to enjoy himself.

some of the songs seemed faster than i remembered, and i think i preferred that they were a little up tempo. they seemed to be a different band. i had heard that their latest stuff was pretty up beat. i'm eager to listen to my cd when it arrives. hopefully, it will be soon.

my prior experience with radiohead's music has reminded me of bands like sigur ros and portishead, which are generally slow and sedated. however, it seems that they are more diverse.

****

i haven't been doing my morning writing as per the artist's way. i should probably do that. jane said that when she was doing them, it made her days more productive cuz all of the little things that were bugging her were released from her head. i should do it tomorrow. however, something tells me that i probably won't.

****

i was talking to doug online tonight and he mentioned that he had an epiphany while talking to a friend. he realized that she was sort of self-centered and inconsiderate. i'm paraphrasing, but the point is that a thought passed through his mind -- what's this person's value add to my life. i had a similar experience today.

every person with whom i have a friendship has to have a value add. i don't think there's anything wrong with this. i think that i bring a lot to my relationships, and i appreciate reciprocity. friendships without this balance become tiresome and difficult for me. when i feel like i'm giving a lot and receiving little or nothing in return, it's hard for me to motivate to do anything with or for that friend. it's not the way friendships work, in my mind.

i'm lucky to have friendships that have this balance, but there are some that i question. i'm not someone who has to have a lot of friends. i'm lucky, though, that i do. i think that i'm pretty good at maintaining my friendships, even with people i don't see very much. sometimes, it doesn't matter if i only talk to or see someone once in a while. this is the case with my friend, heg. i've known heg for over 10 yrs. i don't see her very much, as we live on different coasts, but there was a time when we laid the foundation necessary to allow us to maintain a friendship at a distance and for that friendship to remain close. i think i have a pretty good sense of who she is, even though i haven't seen her in months. i don't think this would have been possible had we not spent the intitial time to establish that rapport.

the new friendships that i've forged in the last few years have been the same way. i have a group of girlfriends who i met in the last year. i see them a few times a month and talk to them more regularly. i'm not super close with them yet, but i am building the foundation towards that end. we share similar interests and care for each other. these are balanced relationships. i don't feel like i'm giving more or less than they are, and i appreciate them. i don't take them for granted, and i hope that they feel the same way. it's interesting, cuz the original person who introduced me to one of the girls is not longer in my life. he passed through my life, and although our paths cross once in a while, i don't consider him a friend. he didn't add much value to my life, unfortunately.

i wonder if that's cruel -- to say that someone doesn't add value to my life. i've actually had that conversation a few times in my life. i didn't feel badly about it. i don't need to fill my life with people who are just there to be there. i want to fill my life with people who inspire me, teach me, and share with me. i want to do the same for them, if they want.

i know i can't control what people think or feel, nor do i want to. i suppose people enter your life for a reason, they stay for others, and leave when they want. i guess it's all supposed to happen like that for some reason or another. sometimes these things are easier to deal with than other times.

i went to ceramics tonight. i actually had a pretty good night. thank god. it is class #3 of 10 and i was starting to think i had made a mistake by taking this session again. tonight i trimmed two pieces and threw one. one of the two i trimmed is for my friend's wedding present. i hope nothing happens to it when it's fired. next week i'll glaze it. the piece i threw tonight was larger than most of the pieces i've done in the past. mom has asked me to make a larger piece, and i'll give this one to her, as long as it turns out alright.

i almost thought about skipping the class tonight, since i probably have about 2 hours worth of work to do before tomorrow. i also wanted to clean my apartment a bit so that mom wouldn't think that i was a complete slob. however, she is my mother, and she knows me well enough to know that i'm generally not the tidiest person.

i was getting kind of stressed about work today, but i think it's hormones.

****

every month, our design group has a *birthday party*. we have cake, ice cream, beer, and the like. i had to go this time, cuz it was in part, in celebration of my birthday. i'm glad i did. i got to catch up with sue. she gave me the story about how she and her boyfriend got back together recently. i thought we had parallel lives for a while. however, it seems like her situation is slightly different. it was still good to talk to her today, as it always is.

****

i still haven't decided if i'm going to wfh tomorrow or if i should just take the day off, as i had planned. of the three possible days to take off, tomorrow is the best. i'll probably just do it.

****

i'm going to meet up with an exboyfriend and his wife. this was the guy i first *loved* and the first guy i ever slept with. he's been married for a couple years, and i have not met his wife. it'll be good to meet her, to put a face to the name and to get to know her a bit. he's a good guy, and i hope he's happy.

towards the end of the time that we dated, it was clearly a case of bad timing. i think our personalities are actually pretty compatible, and i think our goals are also pretty similar. however, he was 4 yrs older than me and at 19 that makes a huge difference. i was still interested in parties, whereas he was already in the real world. we had a huge bit of drama between us, post-breakup, that he definitely caused. however, it's nothing that i hold against him now and it gave me some insight into his persona. i guess difficult situations will do that.

****

i haven't touched my violin since sunday. i miss it. i haven't been home early enough to practice.

****

the last few days i have forgotten a few key things about people.
1. people will always think what they want to think.
2. sometimes, regardless of how much you explain, provide examples, and try, people won't understand what you're saying.
3. people can be mean.

more from daily candy...

Intro to Intermediate Dating: A Midterm

1. "I love you" is a sentiment best expressed:
a) on a mix tape.
b) when drunk.
c) with the words I love you.
d) after the other person says it.

2. Commitment-phobic male : grown woman ::
a) catnip : cat (irresistible mood-altering drug)
b) kryptonite : Superman (ultimate weakening agent)
c) politically connected corporate defrauder : lame duck president (wrongdoer most likely to be pardoned)
d) all of the above

3. The preferred way to refer to an ex is:
a) not to refer to him/her at all.
b) by his/her first name.
c) by the phrase "that %#&^%."
d) by the name of a film starring the unattractive actor he/she resembles most. (Example: "I can't believe I used to date Moscow on the Hudson. What was I thinking?")

4. Complete the following statement: Thank heaven for little boys ...
a) ... they grow up in the most delightful way.
b) ... they look so jazzy in those Gap Kids ads.
c) ... without them, where would Little League be?
d) ... they grow up just enough to torture us with their indecision.

i've realized recently that change is not an easy thing to deal with for everyone. i used to think that since i went through a lot of positive, yet difficult changes in the past three years, that everyone was like me. this is not the case. this is also not to say that i'm any better than anyone else. i think that i've just learned how to deal with changes, cuz i've been through a lot of them throughout my life.

i've lived in a variety of places, which i think has helped me understand myself and people better than i probably would have had i stayed in my little suburb in illinois. i've been lucky i guess. i wonder if this is the only way to learn how to deal with change, though. i don't think it is.

i've made choices to be in places, situations, and some of them make me happy and some of them don't. i don't know why i stayed in the ones that didn't for as long as i did. maybe i'm stupid, or maybe i'm a masochist, or maybe i'm a sucker ... that's probably the same as being stupid.

who knows. there's still so much that i don't know. i'm ok with that, but sometimes i just wish the time for it to be revealed to me would hurry up and get here.

****

my radiohead and fu manchu cds are on their way.

just got back from the gym. ran, did some weights. i feel better, but i don't know that my head is clearer. i do feel a little more settled, and i'm going to do a bit more work before i head home.

just feeling a little out of it today. probably just hormones.

that's the way it feels today, anyway.

woke up late this morning, after a tiring, yet fun show last night. started my computer (probably a mistake) and there were a flood of emails and all the things i had to do today rushed into my head.

after a longer than expected conference call, i hauled ass to work. i was actually looking forward to getting to my desk so that i could address some of the issues that had come up in the meeting. yeah, they were going to be hairy and probably annoying, but it was good that they were finally going to be addressed.

lots of meetings today, interspersed with the occasional down time. it's after 6 now, and my brain's a little fried. i have more to do and i want to get to the gym, since i know that will give me some perspective. maybe i should do that now and come back and work later. i don't think i can focus much right now.

was how radiohead ended their show tonight. they had this huge background made up of vertical electric rods that created designs as well as this word.

it was an AMAZING show. they played for about an hour and 20 min and then came back for two long encores. i have new appreciation for the band; i just ordered their latest cd, hail to the thief. although i'm tired, i'm really glad i went.

this was my first time at shoreline, and although it's a big venue, it's actually not so bad. our seats were in the upper area, before the lawn, but i could still see pretty well.

ugh. i'm tired. tomorrow's going to be a long day. i'm going to have to see if martin sexton is going to happen for me tomorrow night.

off to sushi and radiohead in a few minutes ... it's been a good day.

sarah's not the only one that educates me. i have a couple of other sources. i thank daily candy for the following:

spenny:
Pricey; short for "expensive." (Sure I like that place, but it's kinda spenny.)

NUMP/NUWT:
Obnoxious party-invite acronyms, as in No Ugly Men, Please/No Ugly Women, Thanks.

e-mauling:
Stalking someone via e-mail.

guyatus:
A hiatus from guys. (Thanks, but no thanks. I'm kind of on guyatus.)

scum:
Self-Centered Urban Male. Know any?

fifty-footer:
Someone who looks really attractive from 50 feet away. Closer examination reveals ...

KISS:
Keep It Simple, Stupid.

on a more traditionally academic note, the word of the day from dictionary.com is:

supernumerary \soo-puhr-NOO-muh-rair-ee; -NYOO-\, adjective:
1. Exceeding the stated, standard, or prescribed number.
2. Exceeding what is necessary or desired; superfluous.

i thought my phone was ringing this morning, but i was still too much in a haze to recognize it. then, my cell phone rang, and it was my herbalist. more last minute questions while concocting my meds, i guess.

****

just finished my morning coffee, read my personal email, checked the stock -- yes, it is up, and now i have to go into work. my usual 10am meeting has been rescheduled for tomorrow considering that most of those guys were there past midnight. good thing ... i was up until after 1.

****

my life is becoming more social again. i'm already booked next weekend. i might try to hit the world vegetarian day fest, too, but i think it might be too much for me .... in many ways.

the project i've been working on and grumpy about a lot, although not recently, launched early this morning. officially, it is being announced later today.

a lot of the product guys are still at the office right now. it actually didn't even occur to me to be there tonight. i guess i was too preoccupied with the board. it's kind of anticlimactic, actually. i thought it would mean more to me, but i guess, since i'm working on another project right now, tonight even, it's not that big of a deal. projects will come and go. i just hope the stock goes up.

****

my sister re-sent the cards that she and my mom sent to my old address. my board is paid for now. i'll go to wise to check out the board bags.

****

as i was driving from sj to sf with the board on my roof, i kept hearing it rattle around. i was really nervous about it falling off. i mean, i have an engineering degree so i should be able to assemble and properly use a soft rack. however, i still only drove at most 70 mph on the way home. it was really windy to boot.

****

tomorrow i'm going to see radiohead at the shoreline. that should be a good show. i was listening to amnesiac today and i was reminded of how much i like them.

it'll be a leave at 5 day for me. matt wants to see the opening band, supergrass. i guess they're britpop.

****

i didn't do my morning writing today. no wonder i was so add.

****

i got a lot of mosquito/bug bites last night. it was really warm last night. early this morning, i could hear one buzz around my face. i had to sleep with the sheet over my head. sometime between 7 and 8 i woke up momentarily and poked my head out from beneath the sheet. the sun was out, and i thought about what jane had said the other day regarding the light releasing seratonin, which helps you wake up. she's ordered an alarm clock that gradually shines a light in order to wake you up. it's supposed to be a non-jarring way of getting up. if it works for her, i might investigate getting one of my own.

****

when i got out of the gym tonight, i noticed that i had two missed calls. i think it was mr. herbalist.

i unexpectedly talked to mom this morning on the way in. i thought she and dad were away for the weekend playing golf. their plans changed. they're going tomorrow and coming back on wednesday. i still haven't decided what to do on saturday. i don't want her to clean my house. maybe we'll go to north beach for some pasta. i don't think she has it much, except with me, since dad's such a food nazi. i thought about sushi, too, cuz i really like ozumo, and it has a nice view to boot. however, i think she and dad have sushi together, so maybe ideale is the way to go.

****

i still can't believe i own a surfboard.

****

i'm not sure what i'm going to do about this financial planning stuff. jin and jim suggested that i find someone else, since it seems like i shouldn't have to pay for a plan and that the fees should be associated with the things i purchase through the planner and not the plan itself. i guess i'll have to think more about this.

****

i can't believe it's nearly october. jin's birthday is in two weeks. i haven't gotten her anything yet, and i often have trouble finding a gift for her.

****

i guess i should go back to work now.

yep, i got it. my world is going to change.

it's not perfect, but it's pretty close, and i think i'll be able to ride it soon. i'm hoping this weekend is possible, so that my mom can see me.

i don't know what more i can say in this entry that would be better than this.

this monday has actually gone surprisingly fast. maybe it's cuz i'm a little ADD today. maybe it's cuz i've been at work since 10, but took at 2 hr lunch with my group to celebrate a colleague's birthday and had an hour and a half of meetings.

i am not feeling very productive today. it could have been the ice cream cake.

i'm going to have to work tonight, so i guess no martinis are in my near future.

****

i have to meet asanta at 6 for my last training session. she's going to do my measurements again. yikes.

after that, it's off to look at the board. i put the softrack on my car, just in case. although i have an engineering degree and should be able to do this alone, i asked chris, a fellow surfer and colleague, to help me with it. he had never put one on either, but i figured a second set of eyes was probably good.

****

i think i'm going to be exhausted by the time mom gets here on friday morning. thank god i'm taking the day off.

i just got in from resfest with pedro and i'm really glad i went. pedro was super sweet and got dinner and my res ticket for my bday.

we went to see the spike jonze rarities, which was the closing night show. parts were seriously BRILLIANT. there were five pieces.

the first was a mike watt video, which was a funny mix of model trains hitting pedestrians. this was funny, but not entirely that brilliant.

the second was a flaming lips video, which was basically slowed down news footage of the attempted assassination of ronald regan. this was interesting, but kind of slow.

the third was the oasis video that never happened. in 1995, jonze was supposed to make a video for the band, and his idea was to go around great brittain with a recording of the song and headphones so that different people could listen to it and then describe what they thought the video should be. the people were told that they would also be in the video with oasis. it was pretty hilarious.

next was a documentary called "torrance rises", which was about the dance troupe that was in fat boy slim's "praise you" video. think waiting for guffman, but more hilarious cuz all the people are real.

the finale was the fat boy slim video that he recently did for "weapon of choice". christopher walken is dancing throughout the video in an empty la hotel lobby and mezzanine. he also talks about the making of the video. it was great. peter just sent me this link with the flash version of the video.

we hung out a bit as a couple of the members from meat beat manifesto spun and bombay gin flowed freely.

i ran into nate, an ex-boyfriend of mine, who i had actually been to resfest with last year. not surprising to see him.

****

earlier today, i went to the picnic in palo alto, which was fun. however, i realized that life really does change when you have kids.

my lesson was pretty good, although he wanted to go over something i hadn't really practiced. it went alright, though, and i'm glad that i went, since next weekend i'll be busy with mom.

i picked up my ricecooker from kat's tonight. it's always nice to see ms. hunter. mom will be glad that i have it back.

****

tomorrow's monday ... all day.

i just broke a serious sweat practicing my violin. i don't feel comfortable keeping my windows open the whole way while i practice. as jane put it yesterday, practicing is really only beneficial and enjoyable for the person doing it. my neighbors don't need to hear me struggle to get those damn octaves in tune.

i'm going to shower and then head out to the picnic in palo alto and then go to my lesson. i'll pick peter up when i get to the city and we'll grab some food before resfest. i'd like it to be a mellow night, so if i have time to make it to jane's, i will, but i'm not going to rush around. i need to slow down.

****

i did finish up some work today, but i have a bit more to do. i'll do that tonight or tomorrow morning before i head down to sv.

****

i learned a couple of new acronyms this weekend .... not that i needed any more, but they're funny.

EUI - email under the influence. i think this is self-explanatory. jane taught me this one yesterday.
LMAO - laughing my ass off. willo gave me this one today, as she was reading the craigslist posting from raaf that i put up in a recent entry.

****

i saw a few ants in my apartment today. i'm not sure where they came from and they seem to be isolated in my kitchen. i'll have to deal with that soon. i should really clean my house before mom arrives on friday. i just don't know when it'll happen. maybe monday night.

i think i'm going to see martin sexton with kat on wednesday. i think it'll be a good show.

valerie just sent me this about a new food magazine. they're still getting their site up, but they have a page of interesting links. i'm going to look at this one about slow food more carefully, when i have time.

i woke up late today... after 10. i have a lot of stuff scheduled for my day, and i'm sure if i'm going to be able to do it all. i'm not feeling 100%.

willo and i were going to go to crush at 11 or so, but she's not feeling great, so now i'm not sure if i will go.

the picnic in palo alto might be weird, so i'm not sure if i will go to that. i still have to go to my lesson at 5 in belmont, though, so maybe i'll go to the picnic for a bit.

i haven't heard from peter re: resfest, so i should call him. otherwise, i'll go to jane's bbq. i'd like to go to the bbq, actually.

i have to do work, too. *sigh*

i'm home earlier than i anticipated tonight, but i'm tired and my stomach is bothering me. i'm not sure what's going on with my tummy, but i can't imagine that the deep fried crab cakes today helped my situation.

sherrett and i went to universal cafe for dinner and then headed over to sadies for a drink. i guess the sun must have really drained me as i was yawning a lot. i felt badly. not a great impression to make after 10 yrs. ah well. sometimes i get tired.

****

jane and i had a fun day together. it was hot and sunny, and i was excited to be outside. we started off at the wharf with crab cakes. yes, they were yummy in spite of the grease. we walked through the musee mechanique, which as recently moved to one of the piers. i tried the love-o-meter. my score: adventurous.

after a few games of skeeball (jane kicked my ass), we went on to ms. pacman. they had a table top version, so we had to play. this is my game of choice, and they must have reset the high score recently -- i got it. unfortunately, again, no glory, since it doesn't allow you to put your initials in or anything.

i needed a sorbet, so we stopped by the walgreens. they had mini brussels and mint milanos. they were even on sale and we couldn't resist. i had never seen them before. they were so cute! the best part about them is that you can eat like 8 or 9 of them and still just 7 grams of fat (one serving).

since we were already at the top of the city, we decided to go to stinson beach. i hadn't been there before. it was actually reasonably crowded there. jane and i plopped down in a wide open space, but of course a three some sat down near us and they talked loudly. they also had this ugly dog named courduroy with them. apparently, the owner thought his dog was a *chick magnet*. uh ...

some people were boogie boarding and even body surfing in the ocean today sans wetsuits. the water was still too cold for me.

we saw some guys behind us playing a game that was a mix of soccer and volleyball. they kicked the ball over the net and then used everything except their hands to keep it in play. interesting ....

****

i didn't get to practice my violin today. i'll have to do it tomorrow before i head to the crush.

****

kat posted her pics from burning man this year. there's a series of a wedding. she just told me that the couple met and got married in the same week. wow.