fuck yoga

i just got home from sunhee's. we didn't go to a movie. we had dinner at fresca in west portal. while we were waiting for our table, i got my hair cut. that's probably a good thing. it was feeling long and was probably longer than it's been in a while.

the food at fresca was good. it wasn't fantastic, but very good. the sangria was also tasty. since it was that in between time for a movie, we decided to go back to her apartment and watch television.

she is in the process of looking for a dog ... a maltese, actually. i know of one maltese. he's cute and all, but i have also stepped on him inadvertently since he's small and kind of a spaz. i feel badly, but often when i see those little lap dogs i want to kick them. this is the same way i feel about pigeons.

anyway, she had been talking to a woman about a maltese, but i guess she gave it to another home. sunhee was bummed, but i guess it wasn't the right dog for her. she hadn't even met the dog, and i told her that it was important that their personalities matched.

she made me and andrew, who came over shortly after we arrived, watch an hbo show called "autopsy" or something to that effect. basically, they do autopsies, real ones. yeah.... didn't really need to see that after dinner.

andrew lives with three guys. all of them surf and one of them puts on a movie night that shows old surf films. i'll have to check it out.

****

i have a limited tape collection. unfortunately, my car stereo only plays cassettes. lately, i've been listening to morrissey. i used to love morrissey. i used to listen to him with my exboyfriend from college. we even went to see morrissey at the hollywood bowl. funny. probably the last time i listened to morrissey was on the way home from picking up an exboyfriend from the airport. funny. now i sort of associate morrissey with his guy, instead of the first. strange how music can bring you back to a place in time you've not thought about in a long while.

****

tomorrow, scott, rebecca, and i are going surfing in pacifica. sarah and her friend are also going. i'm hoping to meet up with them. i haven't surfed with sarah before, and it'll be cool to do that before costa rica.

rebecca and i may hit brendan's bbq after that. i should really do my laundry and prepare for my trip a bit, but i'm not sure that's going to happen.

i'm heading over to alameda to have dinner at ashley's with jane and hillary. it will be good to see ashley and the others.

she and kevin decided to get their own place together. it's cool and i think they're happy about it. i'm glad for them. it's interesting, though, cuz they were doing a long distance thing for a while. he was on the east coast and recently moved out here to be with her. he has been living with her since he moved. the initial plan was to have him get his own apartment so that they could spend some time *dating* in the same city. they both seemed to be in agreement about this. however, recently the changed their minds.

****

my arms are sore from boxing today. i hope i can paddle tomorrow.

****

while i'm in new york, lanha has a couple of other friends who will be in town. i'm excited to meet them. we've been sending email back and forth about it. one of them, jane, i should have met by now. our circles are similar, yet we seem to keep missing each other by a few minutes. it's funny that we'll actually meet in nyc in spite of the fact that both of us are based in sf.

i'm excited to see the ryan mcguinness show. i just read souris's review. it looks great.

****

andrew and sunhee have an interesting relationship. they dated for a while and now they're broken up for the second time. it seems that they are both at peace about it. it's all about timing. they're in different places. however, they've been able to maintain a friendship throughout it all. she told me tonight that he's the only guy she's dated who she's actually wanted to stay in touch with. i'm glad it's working out for them. they get along swimmingly, and he is a great guy. so is she. they're just in different places.

i think this i the year of bad timing for me and my friends.

it's sunny today. it was sunny from the moment i opened my eyes, actually. i may have to investigate that alarm clock that jane got; it wakes you up with a light.

i'm waiting for nancy to call. we're going to do a little shopping today, as she's going to dc in about a month and wants to get some things for her trip. i'd also like to get another little dress or two for mine in november.

it still seems unreal that i'm going to costa rica.

this time next week, i'll be in nyc. i'm excited to go, too, but i think the week leading up to it will be rough. lots of things to do. i'm glad i can make up my ceramics class on monday night. i'm eager to see how the pieces turned out with glaze. last week, i made two largish pieces. hopefully they will not shrink very much.

i called nobu to see if they had a table while i am going to be in town. it took me a good 15 tries to even get through, and they are totally booked. lanha and silvio haven't been yet. i went years ago right after it opened. it was delish. i also enjoyed matsuhisa in la, but my memory of nobu is better, in spite of the company.

we're going to try a new place - fresh restaurant. should be cool.

****

i just got off the phone with rebecca. she told me that wes called her this morning, but it's still status quo. i'm proud of her. i think the hardest thing to recognize is that it's just not going to work with someone. it often feels like a failure, but it's great that she understands that in this case, it's completely out of her control.

he recognizes that there's just some stuff he's got to work through and no one can do that work except him.

she can either go along for the rocky ride, which she has for a while, or let him figure it out. in either case, they both seem to recognize that it's not working.

****

i just got in from doing a little shopping with nancy. i got a great pair of jeans and a couple of belts. very exciting. i don't know why i've been in a shopping mood lately. maybe it's cuz i feel better about my appearance lately.

nan and i stopped by chez maman for a snack. i think sunhee and i are going to la fresca for dinner and then going to see intolerable cruelty. i'm not that stoked about the movie, but i'm sure it'll be fun. cohn brothers after all.

****

more stuff about den....

last night, there were a few cool pieces at den. one of the artists, john baden, does pretty large scale things. on one of the walls, he had painted a huge pacman ... probably 8' at least ... with pellets and ghosts. then there were these panels that assembled into milton bradley games - operation was the most notable. it had the red lighted nose, too. they had some of the board games there, as well.

there was also a giant rubix cube, which was not all that impressive, but interesting none the less.

the people at den were also interesting to look at. there were two guys there that come to mind. they were like the short and the tall version of the same guy. they both had long-ish leather jackets, one black and one brown. they both had kind of wavy below the ear length hair, slicked back somewhat. they both had a decidedly guido look to them. it's funny cuz you usually see this phenomenon among women -- the cookie cutter clones. refreshing and hilarious that they were two guys.

the only thing i'm sure of today is going to boxing in a few minutes. since nancy just called, i'm definitely going.

there are lots of things i *should* do today. i'm just not sure what i feel like doing today. i'll have to see how it goes post boxing.

i was supposed to have dinner with jee tonight, but rebecca called me earlier today and told me that she and her boyfriend broke up last night. i went out with her instead. it was good.

she seems ok with it all, and i think it's for the best. again, you can't control timing. people need different things. this is something i know too well, personally.

we went to an art opening at den, which was good. lots of good people watching. some familliar faces, some totally new. i haven't done that in a while, so it was good.

we got some food next door, at the new osha thai noodle house. i'm glad that they've opening in the mission. their place on geary and leavenworth is good, but a little out of the way.

we were going to head over to the argus afterwards, but we got tired. it's probably good we didn't go out. it's already almost midnight, and i have to get to bed.

****

i'm glad i made it to the gym today. i had a good run, and did some weights. i've been simulating paddling with some weights, on a bench. i'm sure i look like a freakshow.

for the last couple of days i have been trying to get to bed around 11. it has done me well. i have had 8-9 hrs of sleep and i've felt refreshed. last night, i got 8+ hrs of sleep, but i went to bed just after midnight. i think there's something about going to be the night before you wake up.

my alarm went off at 8. i couldn't get up. i finally sprung out (sort of) of bed at 9. i had a weird dream during that hour, i think. i was going to the airport on my way to nyc. i am taking the red eye, and i think i was in a rush. i had driven myself to the airport, but when i got there, i had no plan for my car. so, i was trying to figure out what to do ... where to park it ... how to get there and then back to the terminal. i think i hahd a few hours before my flight, but it wasn't enough for me to deal with my car, so i decided to miss my flight. since i am using miles for the trip, i was trying to get on the phone with the airline so i could rebook my flight. i couldn't remember the number, couldn't dial the number properly (a common theme in my dreams), or couldn't get through. then i woke up. strange.

i have meetings for the next three hours. ugh. i am trying to stay motivated to go to the gym after work, but i'm not sure how that's going to go.

i forgot that this morning, one of my 41 emails was from a girl i knew in college. she was a couple years younger than me, i think, and didn't go to mit, but we got to know each other cuz we hung out at the same fraternity house. as i write that, it sounds weird to me that that's what i used to do, but it was one of the primary social venues at school.

anyway, last april, when i was in ny, i had a total small world moment. lanha, silvio, rick, and i were at a bar in les, and this girl looked at me while i was at the bar. she looked familiar to me, too, cuz i have a scary memory for faces. i even knew her name. what's weirder is that she knew mine, too. anyway, we chatted for a bit, and then i gave her my card.

five and a half months later, an email shows up in my inbox. strange. must be the impending full moon tomorrow.

it was actually a good day all in all. in spite of not making it to the gym, i am feeling alright. ceramics was good. i threw two pots and then glazed one. the one that i had finished up last week for my sister and her family came out pretty well. i glazed it tonight. i hope it fires well. next week, i'll go on monday, since i'll have to miss class to get on a plane to ny. that should be a good trip. i haven't yet talked to scott about details. hopefully the keys will arrive soon.

****

today i got an email from an ex-boyfriend's mom. it wasn't particularly notable, except it definitely had an impact. it made me realize that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree ... something i knew already, but i guess wasn't completely convinced of. i mean, i am definitely like my parents. in some ways i'm a perfect mix of them. i'm lucky.

****

sue took off to ireland today, so i'm pretty certain my life at work is going to be hectic while she's gone. it's ok, though, as i'm sure she'll be the one covering me when i take my break at thanksgiving. god bless her.

****

today i got an email via friendster from someone who was 5 degrees of separation away from me. its interesting that this is the sort of thing that happens with the internet. it facilitates communication, provides introductions to people whom you may not normally meet. yesterday's email was from a different person who was a three or four degrees away from me. strange. i wonder what motivates people to write. i've never done that.

yesterday, i sent an email to a friend of mine which simply said, "i am thinking of going back to match.com."

i'm not sure that i am ... i'm just considering it.

here's what i got in response, sort of ...

I've been exploring this dating thing ... I'm rather happy with myself, and don't really care to date Just Anybody. I'm just happy meeting new people (which I don't do enough of, and am trying to change), and, mostly, I think this Dating For Sport thing is a waste of time. "But it's not Dating For Sport, it's Dating For Experience." I don't need experience. I'm a good boyfriend. I'm a good lover. I don't need practice at it. I just need a partner, and refuse to compromise. I think people who date a lot are doing a lot of compromising.

So, I went beyond my friends (who are hypocrites, anyway- they don't date) and read this dating book. Though some of the advice is pretty good, it's pretty superficial. It pretty much turns any errand, any task at all, into a pick up chicks event. That's not what I want- it suggests that you
have to be on all the time, and I spent the first 25 years of my life doing that, and I don't want to do it anymore. And then, it assumes that I'm so interested in finding someone that I'll try anyone, anywhere. No thanks.

And don't even get me started on the suggestions of permasmile. Fake Fake Fake. I can understand that it makes you more approachable/attractive, but I'm not faking it if I'm not feeling it.

this made me think. dating for sport. i'm not sure that i agree with that, but i understand it.

i'm not big on *dating* either. i've been a serial monogamist for years, up until recently. maybe that's why my life feels a little unlike my life lately. i don't particularly like all of the get-to-know-each-other-in-the-first-three-dates sorts of questions. i do, however, like meeting new people. maybe i'm looking for something a little more organic.

the realist in me thinks that from a pure numbers perspective, the more people you meet, the more likely you are to meet someone you'll connect with.

the romantic in me thinks that it doesn't matter how many people you meet, cuz meeting someone you connect with is just serendipity and dumb luck.

of course, you're never going to meet someone if you stay in your house or hang out with the same circle of friends.

however, it's also about opportunities, and those can sometimes be created. going out, whether that's with friends, with someone you've never met, or someone you've only talked with online or on the phone creates a potential opportunity for success.

i know that the majority of my dates aren't going to end up in relationships. that's ok. i think my problem is that it takes a lot for me to be interested. and, i know i'm certainly at the point where i want to be *crazy* about someone.

i've also known people who have sort of the opposite problem. they're crazy about everyone they meet, cuz they're just great people and think positively. i think both of these are problems, and neither one's really that good.

10/09/2003
NEWS FROM THE FU!

Scott Hill: we will be releasing a few new songs by the end of the year.
2 song 7" - "so far behind" / "something beyond"
3 song cd - "so far behind" / "something beyond" / "six pack" (black flag)
both versions will be limited. we will hopefully have a new full length record out by summer 2004. we will be setting up some small tours in the meantime. the vinyl version of "go for it..live" will be out soon. hopefully.

**arnold in japan

**i must usually dress like a slob at work. i decided to wear a dress i've had for years, and boots. both brown. maybe it's just that i'm wearing brown instead of my usual black. who knows.

**the stock is doing really well today. maybe i should sell some. mike just passed along an article, though, that says it's predicted to hit $50. wow.

**i got a thought provoking email from a friend of mine today regarding relationships, dating, and the like. i've got to write him back.

**ceramics tonight.

**i'm going to try to run.

**back to taking meds. i think i just needed sleep.

**drove to work listening to the police this morning. my stereo's finally back in commission. while listening to 'tea in the sahara' it made me think of hillary and jane. we may all do a desert trip.

last night's conversation:

F: so do you know what you would "go crazy" over in a man right now? or are you in that state of knowing what you don't want more than what you want?
jee: i am pretty low maintenace generally speaking
jee: however
jee: i think this makes it harder and by default almost more high maintenance
jee: cuz i want things like
jee: 1. ability to roll with changes
jee: 2. flexibilty in trying new things
jee: 3. partnership -- us vs me
jee: so maybe that's high maintenance
F: i don't think so
F: expand on # 3
F: that one is intriguing since it's a common theme I've heard, and I've never had anyone explain it
F: what their idea of partnership is
jee: it's something about being empathetic, sympathetic. thinking of us as a unit, but also appreciating independence and time away; separate stuff. it's almost like a dna strand. like you have separate time and yet intersect often, frequently, predictably
F: see I get all that but the "us as a unit" thing
jee: it's about being being thoughtful, and about making decisions for both people; thinking about how decisions may affect the other person as well as himself
jee: about being selfless sometimes
F: that makes sense
jee: and compromising and communicating and saying things in ways that you'll understand instead of pushing someone's buttons, cuz you know them well enough to do that

****

it's hard to believe that arnold won. i saw a map of the counties of california and their stance on the recall. it seemed that most of the coast, until you hit san diego, was opposed to the recall. interesting.

****

i had intended to make myself a tiny martini. it wasn't so tiny.

i just practiced my violin for a bit. i hadn't touched it in a whie. it was out of tune, but i'm actually ok with tuning it. i played a little mozart i haven't touched in a while. my fingers feel old.

i was going to watch office space today, but i didn't.

tomorrow will be a busy day. meetings and then ceramics. i'm looking forward to seeing my pieces. i hope they fired well.

personal essay

although i worked from home today, i feel spent. i really didn't it easy today, in spite of my needing to. jane wanted to go to osento. no energy.

i think i'm going to watch a movie and then go to sleep.

however, i'm distracted. maybe a glass of wine will help.... or maybe a martini.

****

i missed the all hands meeting today, which is always octoberfest themed at this point in the year. no bavarian nuts and bratwurst for me today.

i guess the company did alright. i didn't watch the webcast. the stock only went down a few cents. it's to be expected. i have to start thinking about my taxes.

****

today mom told me that i shouldn't work at home anymore; she meant at night, after i get home from work. geez. if she only knew. interesting coming from a person who used to work 7 days a week, 12 hrs a day for 7 yrs. this is not to say that i want to repeat her history.

costa rica should give me some perspective. like sarah said, this is the first time in a long while when a vacation is really a *vacation*, not time away from sf spent for an occasion that involves family and/or running around. this is just down time, plain and simple.

****

i've got to be fully rested for next week, while sue is gone. i'm probably going to have a lot on my plate until i go to ny.

i went to bed early last night ... around 11. at 3 am, i got up. i never do that. i was not feeling well. i fell back asleep and my alarm rang at 8am. i turned both off and fell asleep again. at 9am, i realized that i had a 10am meeting. yikes. luckily, it was postponed to tomorrow.

i decided to wfh today since i'm not really coherent today. my stomach was bothering me. it had been ok for a few weeks ... dunno what's wrong with me now.

i didn't take any meds last night.

mom called me this morning to ask for a sleep report. she told me that she had been thinking about me and said that i should go back to the meds. ok. so, at 12 i took more meds. i feel alright, i guess. i mean, no worse than before. i still feel out of it, but i think i just need more sleep. maybe it was that whack on the head on sunday. who knows.

i've been working and trying to stay focussed.

****

my horoscope was funny today... funny, like kind of right on.

Your home environment is very much highlighted today, Jee. It could be that the house has suffered a bit of wear and tear lately. As you look around with fresh eyes, you see several decorating projects that really should be tackled at once. Other family members may not agree that this is the best way to spend money, but hold your ground and make your case. You are happiest when your home is looking its best, so it's in everyone's best interest to keep things in tip-top shape!

(i have actually been thinking of doing some stuff in my kitchen, with respect to space-saving enhancements.)

Your words are apt to be quite poetic today, and they are coming from a deeper source than usual. There is a great planetary shift that is happening today in which Mercury, ruler of communication and short-range travel, moves forward through the zodiac. During the next three weeks, you will find that a greater emphasis is put on values, money, resources and transformations of the mind.

(i think this would probably be accurate on most days.)

You are entering a period in which your affective life won't be very important to you, Jee. On the other hand, the vibrations will be very favorable to you in your material life. You are thinking about jumping into a real estate investment that could be very fruitful. It's true that you will have to have a lot of energy to wrap up your projects. In terms of your health, you will have some digestive problems that are due in great part to stress related to recent investments that you have made...

(since my dinner on friday night with wendy and the girls i have been thinking about tic's, real estate, etc. weird. i also mentioned to lanha that i wanted to check out some apartments in nyc. last night rebecca and i talked about living in la. i'm all over the place.)

****

i need to rest.

my mother just called me. it's 11.30 in chicago, and she just wanted to tell me that i should be in bed. geez.

earlier today i called her to say that i didn't think that the meds were working. i was more irritable, tired, and thirsty than usual. i think i alarmed her. a few hours later, the herbalist called and asked me some questions. at the end, he told me to stop taking the meds and said that after a couple of days i would feel back to normal again. i hope i do. i hate sweating the small stuff.

he said he was going to have some new meds for me soon. great. i don't want to take these to costa rica with me. i have a feeling that i will.

i dragged myself out of bed just before 7.30. i had about 20 min to get ready to go, and i was glad that i had prepared the night before.

i had a long day. i felt like i was in a haze. i knew yoga nor the gym were not in my future.

at 5pm, i left for home, ready to make dinner for me and rebecca. i was glad to see her when she arrived. i had missed her party on saturday, and we hadn't talked for a while. rebecca's been a great friend to me in the last few years.

i made crab and artichoke raviolis in a tomato sauce and a salad with a mustard dressing. we had wine and talked for a while. life is hard.

we talked about how difficult and rare relationships can be, how there are so many moving parts to them, and how they can be hard to manage, work through, and find. ugh. i dunno if the conversation was good for me tonight. all it did was make me a sad.

i know i just have to be patient. i know i just have to get through this rough time when i miss him, when i wish it was all different. cuz i know that wishing is just that ...

****

i have to stop listening to radiohead.

****

i'm listening to bowie now, and i'm not sure that it's any better.

you promised me that the ending would be clear
you'd let me know when the time was now
don't let me know when you're opening the door
stab me in the dark, let me disappear

memories that flitter like bats out of hell
stab you from the city spires
life wasn't worth the balance
nor the crumpled paper it was written on

don't let me know we're invisible
don't let me know we're invisible

hot cash days that you trailed around
cold cold nights under chrome and glass
led me down rivers of perfumed limbs
sent me to the streets with the good time girls

don't let me know we're invisible
don't let me know we're invisible
we could dance, dance, dance thru the fire
dance, dance, dance thru the fire

feed me no lies
i don't know about you, i don't know about you
breathe thru the years
i don't know about you. i don't know about you
bring me the disco king
i don't know about you. i don't know about you.
dead or alive, bring me the disco king
bring me the disco king, bring me the disco king

spin-offs with those who slept like corpses
damp morning rays in the stiff bad clubs
killing time in the '70s
smelling of love thru the moist wind
don't let me know when you're opening the door
close me in the dark, let me disappear
soon there'll be nothing left of me
nothing left to release

dance, dance, dance thru the fire
dance, dance, dance thru the fire

****

my radio finally got unlocked. i now have tunes on the way home. i popped in the let's dance cassette. i subjected mike to it on the way home.

****

i got this funny site about gender and writing from daily candy today.

i ended the day grumpy. i'm not sure why i'm sweating the small stuff today. maybe it's cuz i looked at my schedule and it looks like i have meetings from 10-4. i got a 9am meeting added at the last minute, which is really what sparked my grumpiness. even after i went to the gym, i still felt icky. ugh. maybe the meds aren't working.

today definitely whizzed by and in my last meeting, i was tasked with a bunch of things to do by the end of the week. i think it's going to be a rough one.

i really wanted to go to yoga tomorrow night, but a 8.30-10pm class is not looking good for me, if i'm getting up in 6 hrs and working a full day.

i just looked in my fridge and realized that i have some ravioli's i must eat, so maybe i'll just cook dinner tomorrow instead of working out.

tonight i went to a class at the gym, and my ass is killing me. it was still sore from saturday and yesterday in the water probably didn't help my body much.

in the shower as i was shampooing my hair, i hit a sore spot. then, i remembered that i got clocked with the board yesterday. maybe that's the reason for my funk.

****

i'll be leaving for new york in ten days. i'm glad to get away, but i have a bad feeling that i'll be working for more than one day.

****

i don't know why i still have that damn radiohead song in my head. it feels like it's been a week. maybe i should stop listening to it.

****

i feel like i don't have enough time to do anything anymore. i want to do so much more than i already am.

****

i was just remembering a conversation that i had a while back with a friend regarding a guy i had just stopped dating. he wanted to be my friend, and after i did a little thinking, i realized that he didn't really add that much value to my life. he tried really hard to be my friend so much, and eventually i had to have a very explicit conversation with him in which i told him that i didn't want to be his friend cuz he didn't add any value to my life and that i didn't see my other friends enough as it was. god that sounds harsh.

when i asked my friend why she thought he was trying hard to be my friend, she thought it was cuz he was trying to feel better about being a jerk during the relationship. it was as if my allowing us to be friends would absolve him from any guilt or bad feelings he might have had about our past. strange, but i think it's true for some people. i know i've done that before. if the other person decides to be your friend, then it's like there was no harm done.

i don't think this is an indication that i hold grudges. i think it's more that i'm a realist. there's only a finite amount of time, and i have to make choices on how and with whom i spend it. maybe that's too honest for some people.

i had this weird dream i last night/this morning.

one of my friends told us she was pregnant, and she was going to have the baby really soon. this was strange in and of itself cuz no one had noticed the change in her body.

when she came by to see us, she didn't look any different; she was her usual thin self. i patted her stomach and felt the baby's heart beating rapidly. then, i saw what looked like little arms and hands stretching out from below her shirt.

when she lifted her shirt there was an infant, like a 6 mo baby. he had blonde hair and a big smile.

she explained that it wasn't a *normal* pregnancy. it wasn't like artificial insemination. i got the feeling that it was more like she had this new kid attached to her after he had already been *born*. just as she said this, she removed him from where ever he was attached to her, and he proceeded to do his business right in front of her. it was all fine, as babies will do that and no one was hit with the result.

anyway, i'm not sure why i dreamt that. this particular friend of mine has told me that she'd like to have kids; maybe it was that in combination with my experience with david and karl's boys last night.

that's what i get for snoozing past my alarm. ugh.

i woke up late today. i think my body needs more rest. i've got a slew of meetings that i have to attend, so i'll definitely have to go in, no question. i'm ok with that. i just wish my head felt better.

tonight i cooked dinner for david, karl, and the boys. karl was supposed to be on rounds, but luckily he was able to join us for dinner. david told me that the boys generally like bland, pale colored food, so i brought some halibut and salmon (for the adults), bok choy and shitake mushrooms (which i didn't expect the boys to eat), three different kinds of bread, goat cheese, and garlic. i still had a lot of fruit left over from mom's visit, and i brought that as well.

karl played with the boys and david and i talked while i cooked. i hadn't seen them since the middle of august at jim's party at filoli. they all seem very well. the boys are adorable and fun. they were shy at first, but by the end of the night they wanted me to read a bedtime story and gave me hugs and kisses before going to bed. times like that make me want to have kids, but the night in general reminded me of how difficult and rewarding it can be to parent.

kids are amazing because their moods can change quickly, for good and bad. they are incredibly resilient. at one point, david had to take nathan for a timeout in his bedroom, and a few minutes later, nathan was fine.

the boys actually at bread with goat cheese. apparently, they won't eat yellow/orange cheese, but they won't have white mac and cheese. interesting...

for dessert, i brought some asian pears that everyone enjoyed, especially cole. he must have eaten half of an entire one himself. they also liked the muscat and concord grapes i brought. the concords reminded karl of home. the white peach was also a big hit. generally, i thought the dinner was pretty successful with respect to the kids.

david and i talked a bit after they went to bed and he asked me about blogging. he doesn't know anyone who does this so he was fascinated. the question that i found most interesting was why i decided to make it public. i'm actually not sure why i did. i guess i just figured that no one would really read it, so why not. i'll have to think some more about it.

david and i talked about the goings on in my life ... how i was going to costa rica to surf, trying to get back into climbing by buying shoes yesterday, working, being the single girl. we talked about relationships and they three key things that contribute to the initital decision to begin one. chemistry, connection, and timing. interestingly, i'm not sure what's more difficult. they're all hard.

i was telling him how when you find someone with whom you have a connection, and it's reciprocated, you hold on to them, cuz you know that it's rare. hopefully there's chemistry, too, but you sometimes can't control that. sometimes you can convince yourself that there is chemistry, but it's often not very successful. the one thing, however, that you can't control is the timing.

i told him that i thought that in two years, the guy i had been dating for a while recently, would be great for the me of today. however, i'm not sure if the me in two years would be right for that person at that point in time. complicated. always complicated, i guess, unless it works and it's right. then it's simple, or so i would like to think.

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i somehow managed to miss my turn onto powell street and nearly wound up in alameda. after i found my way back over the bridge, i went to the grocery store. i have been needing to do that for a while.

the guy who was bagging my stuff was an african american kid who was probably in his early 20s at best. he somehow saw the boxing glove keychain i had and asked me, "did someone use to box?" i told him that i do, and he said "me, too!" excitedly, bearing a big gold-rimmed toothy smile.

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at nor cal today, i saw a poster for the cold water classic in santa cruz. i think i'm going to go.

tomorrow's monday already. wow.

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cold water classic

i got home from linda mar not long ago and i'm tired. it was good to get into the ocean today, although i had a little problem with my main fin. i'm not sure if the screw was never there or if it fell out, but at one point, it was no long there and i had to walk over to nor cal to get a replacement.

rick was super nice and put some base wax on my board. i didn't have any, but he did. after waxing it up, we were ready to go.

he had a good day, which i'm glad. i didn't have as much luck with the waves, and i definitely had a few moments of disorientation under water. however, i'm patient. i know this is going to be a life-long endeavor for me.

i had some trouble figuring out my positioning on the board. i perled a lot, which is ok. i mean, i'm not as bold to think that i'd get up on my first time out with a new and slightly shorter board. it's only a couple inches, but it definitely makes a big difference.

the waves were also closing out pretty quickly and i think i was not paddling enough. after being worked one last time, i went onto the beach. i was tired, and i realized that all i had had today was my soy capp this morning before heading out. i'll have to figure out the eating before i surf thing.

rick and i talked about travelling, and i told him how i was itching to work abroad. however, in telling him this, i realized that it would probably be harder than i thought to leave san francisco and the life i've made here. i'd definitely have to consider it carefully. i know that this is really the best time of my life to do something like that, though. i don't have anything holding me back right now.

it's finally a sunny morning, and i'm excited to get out into the water. i'm having my coffee and then getting my gear ready to head out to linda mar with rick.

i had heard that the surf was best at high tide. he had heard it was best at low. i think it's kind of a crap shoot either way, and i'm happy to get out there for the first time on my new board either way.

after surfing, i'm going to do a little work and maybe practice my violin a bit before going to the store and heading over to david and karl's in the east bay. that will be fun. i'm excited to cook for them and to see the boys. i'll have to remember to get enough for karl, as he won't be at dinner with us.

ugh. it's already 10. i should get my ass in gear.

tonight i listened to stories at fray day sf. although it ran a lot longer than expected and i didn't go to rebecca and robert's party, i'm glad i went. it was entertaining and interesting to hear people's stories. it made me want to write more about my own stories.

i've always believed that everyone's got a story. i know i have lots to tell and don't always tell them. this blog is a way i've found recently to tell my stories, and i want to continue to do this. most of the time i just write what i've been thinking about, but it's sometimes non-descript and lacks detail. i should change this.

i have been meaning to record my stories about being on match last year. those were funny and interesting times. i learned a lot about people and myself during that time.

there were a slew of interesting stories and i wish i had enough energy to write about some right now. i know i would process them more, if i could write them down here.

before we went to fray, we had dinner at willo's. tsia, jane, willo, kat and i all brought something to share. i made salmon and toasted some bread with a yummy garlic spread. it was fun to cook and eat with these girls.

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it's almost 1am and i want to get up tomorrow to surf. i'm going to take rick, willo's friend, who i met tonight. he doesn't have a car, lives up in russian hill, but i'll take him. i empathize with his situation.

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i've had a radiohead song stuck in my head all day. where i end and you begin. the lyrics have been particularly poignant to me lately.

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this morning, i worked out early with nancy. we didn't box, but that's ok. i don't know if my body could have handled two work outs. we walked around russian hill. i got some rock climbing shoes and a chalk bag. it was impulsive, but i guess it's good that i got the equipment. i'll have to go back to it soon.

we stopped in a few places after lunch to do a little shopping. i didn't find anything.

when i got home, i showered and headed over to jane's. she needed to get a dress for a wedding, and i tagged along for support and to find some of my own little dresses for my trip to costa rica. i found one. it's fun and summery. i hope the weather at that time of the year agrees with it.

i'm not usually a shopper, but i guess this weekend, i'm feeling more inclined to do it for some reason.

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jane wants to go to bowie. i'm psyched.

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today is my sister's birthday. i called her this morning and she sounded well. zoe had picked out her birthday cake. it was barbie themed. cute. jin said that she and her friends were jealous that i was going to costa rica to surf. she commented on how nice it must be to be single. i guess i should appreciate this time. i do, but conversations like this make me think again ... is the grass always greener.

is it inherently human nature to want what you don't have? i'm not usually like this. i'm generally pretty content with my life. i can't complain much about it. i mean, right now, there's not much else i could do or have that would make it much better.

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tonight, kat reminded me of a conversation we had together earlier this year about being friends with exboyfriends. i wish i had remembered it a few weeks ago, but i'm glad she reminded me. lately i feel like i've been on an emotional rollercoaster. maybe it's the herbal meds.

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fray day sf