i'm going to see this show on saturday. janice introduced me to his stuff. it's great. i forgot to mention that he had a couple of photos at the sj art museum, too.

two friends just sent me this story. yipes.

last night before i went to bed, i set my alarm for 7.45am, knowing that this was unrealistic. i figured that i would see how i felt at that time and take it from there. expectedly, i was still in a haze and laying in bed sounded much more appealing than getting up to go to the gym.

around 10.15, i finally rose. i called nancy to see if she was boxing. this was a plan b option for exercise today. she wasn't. ok. motivation reduced again. i got dressed for the gym anyway, thinking that i could still make it there and that i really didn't need that coffee before the workout.

during the first few minutes of my drive, i started thinking about why i haul my ass up to polk street on saturdays to go to the gym, if i had a better use for that $54 a month i give to gorrilla sports for a membership i rarely use. i thought about the 3rd street boxing gym, which i have been meaning to check out since september.

around folsom street, when the traffic was crazy for some reason, i decided to bail and headed for 3rd street. when i walked in the door, i saw what i'd expected, a bare bones boxing gym. it had promise. heavy bags, a couple of rings, and a class was in session that i would watch for a few minutes. there was a guy at the counter, a counter that was too high really for anything except making me, and probably the others who had stood on the same side, feel out of place and unwanted. there was a guy standing on the other side. i didn't recognize him from the site, but i think that he's one of the owners.

he had a smirk on his face. it probably didn't help that i was wearing my everlast sweatshirt and work out clothes. he probably thought i was some overzealous chick who thought that by wearing the clothes it made her a boxer.

i saw a schedule on the counter, and he told me that i could have it. i asked him a bit about the rates. he asked me if i had boxed before. yes, but not very much sparring and i don't really have any desire to do that. i asked if i could watch the class for a while. it was the beginners boxing class. still smirking, he said yes.

i sat on the benches near the rings which were adjacent to the area where the class was taking place. there were 6 people in the class, all of different ages, ethnicities, and what appeared to be varied fitness levels. they did a lot of plyometric, cardiovascular, and general fitness activities for the next few minutes. i don't know how long i watched, but it wasn't anything new to me. i thought about how i had done that sort of stuff before, which is fine, but i wondered if there was more.

i walked back to the counter and asked the guy about the other classes on the schedule which were simply labeled "boxing class". so, what exactly are in these boxing classes? whatever i asked him must have suggested that the beginners class wasn't appropriate for me.

"so, you're an advanced fighter?" he asked me
"uh, no, i wouldn't consider myself a fighter, but i know the punches," i replied.

he asked me which of the classes i could attend during the week and said that i came on monday, he'd be teaching and that the first class was on him. he guaranteed a good class. then he FINALLY introduced himself. paul. geez. quite the salesman.

ugh. so, now, i have to make this class, and i have to make sure that i'm not going to look like a total idiot. i guess i could have approached this better.

however, considering that the membership dues are at minimum $85/mo, i figured that i should take the right free class. i guess we'll just see what happens.

****

i decided to go down to san jose to see the surf exhibit. i'm really glad i did. they had loads of cool surf boards, surf-inspired art, art by surfers, and even a little one-person sand buggy that held a surfboard on its side.

there were a few notable pieces. one was a finless surfboard by jeff lausch. it's actually got a fin, but it's interesting cuz it's all one piece - the fin is shaped from the board.

kevin ancell's piece aloha oe was striking for several reasons. there must have been 15 or 20 life sized hula dancer mannequins, hips swaying, holding various weapons of destruction: syringes, guns, and the like. they were all in different states of abuse, as well. his message was clear. hawaii has had some bad influence from the mainland.

several of the surfboards on display were also works of art. there was one that was inlaid with abalone shell and mother of pearl. some were airbrushed with cool designs and one had an image of ziggy startdust.

they had the original suitcase surfboard that was made by hobie. they didn't have a way to put a 10ft surfboard on a plane, so this one assembled in three pieces. pretty cool.

there was so much great stuff there that i was tempted to get the book about the exhibit. unfortunately, it had sold out yesterday.

the message that comes through each time i see something surf-related is that it's really a lifestyle. a few quotes:

"surfing is good for you in four ways: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually." -- johnny rice

"ignore it all and go bodysurfing." -- tom blake to craig stecyk

"both [art and surfboards] were built to engender an experience that allow a transcendence of self, a release from the moment, a push to a new paradigm, and remarkable echo of the changes surfacing in american culture." - bolton colburn, director of laguna art museum, the original museum for this exhibit

i wish i could have taken pictures.

****

i went to ceramics open studio for a couple of hours today. i threw two pieces. i was pretty happy about them, as the second one looked like it was near disaster. i was going to make a bottle shape -- kind of i dream of jeanie style. however, it started to sag, but i was able to save it and turn it into a pitcher. we'll see what it looks like on thursday. the first piece i threw is probably the largest one i've ever done. i think i'm going to keep it for myself.

the bowl i made for mom and dad was ready, too, and it came out pretty well. i was a little worried that the green on the inside wouldn't come out as evenly as it did. i know mom will be happy about it. i'll post some pics later.

****

i had a lesson today, which was good, cuz i'll be gone in three weeks for three weeks, and i should make some progress before i take off for such a long time.

we went through some of the second movement of the bruch, as he had recommended. i had practiced it a bit, so he was actually kind of surprised that it sounded as in tune as it did.

****

now i'm home, and i'm trying to figure out what it is that i'm really in the mood to do.

i just read my horoscope.

You and a romantic partner could spend much of the day running errands, Jee. The errands themselves lend an aura of excitement and enthusiasm to the day. You and your friend are probably both feeling happy and exhilarated, and this in itself is a powerful omen. Extend your time together into the evening. You may both realize that you're so happy together that you're ready to take your relationship to a new level. Enjoy this very special energy together!

i spent the day, happily, alone. maybe i should spend tonight alone, too.

in my endeavor to start my own surfing site, i looked around for the existing ones. i found nasty girlie. i may even submit my own surfing pic.

****
i had a good work out after work. i ran and practiced jumping to my feet from a laying on my stomach. i haven't practiced this in a while and it's helpful for surfing, but i probably looked like a dork. who cares. there were only three other people at the gym. we're all dorks for being there on a friday night and on halloween no less.

i'm staying in tonight. it's too cold to go out. i had to turn on heat in my apartment. it was so cold that i couldn't move my fingers very well when i was trying to practice. i have a lesson tomorrow.

i'm trying to decide if i should go to ceramics tomorrow, or if i should just go to the sj museum. it looks like i won't be able to do both, unless i go to the gym really early. maybe that's the best option. forgo boxing on saturday, as it will probably make my shoulder blades sore for sunday, and go to the museum and ceramics. hmmm...

****

i listened to an old police tape on the way home tonight. it almost made me cry.

it's almost 6 and i'm at still at work. i think i'm going to go to the gym soon, as i'm starting to lose focus.

today they gave out these huge caramel and chocolate covered apples in the cafeteria. it reminded me of the apples they have at marshall fields, a chicago department store. they are always beautifully decorated and you don't really want to eat them cuz they're so pretty.

the apple i had today was pretty but not that pretty. matte and i talked about how the enjoyment really depends on the quality of the apple, though, and how you can never tell what it's going to be like.

unfortunately, today's apple was not very tasty. it had gotten to that state when the flesh becomes sort of sandy and more mushy than crunchy. luckily or maybe unluckily, the outter layer of caramel, chocolate, and nuts were delicious. hence, i have to go to the gym.

there are a multitude of party options tonight. it's nice to have options, especially the one to opt out.

****

at lunch today, matte and i were talking about weekend plans. i told him that i was going to have a mellow one; i currently have no plans for sat or sun nights, but my days are relatively full with activities that i consider low key. i proceeded to tell him about my plans and he commented about how my mellow weekend was pretty much his standard weekend and also implied that my mellow weekend was busier than his busy weekend.

i said something like "yeah, next year is going to be about simplifying my life." as the words came out of my mouth, i half thought that it wasn't going to happen.

there are already things i want to do next year; i want to go back to playing tennis. i want to get back to rock climbing and maybe start climbing outdoors. i want to make a bigger commitment to surfing. i'm excited about all of these things. however, they don't seem to help me with the simplifying my life endeavor.

i know that by doing a lot of different things, it makes it more difficult to excel at any one of those things. maybe i just need to streamline my life. i did that a few years back with respect to material objects. maybe it's time to consider doing that with my activities.

right now i feel like i don't really *excel* at anything. i feel pretty competant at most things i do, but i want to be really GREAT at something or things. i'm just not sure what they are yet.

in a convo i had with lanha today, she was mentioning how jane focusses her life on two main things: games and music. a lot of her time and energy are spent studying, playing, writing about, thinking about, and consulting about games. she's considered kind of the *expert* in the realm of girls and games. i'll have to ask her what she thinks about that.

this made me think about what i was going to do with my life. i don't need or want the notoriety. i think the question is around what i really feel passionately about that i would want to spend my energy to study, play, write about, think about, and consult on?

i've always thought that people who know this -- their true passion -- are lucky. if they can make a living of it, they are even luckier. i think that i am interested in too many different things and i'm often not able to choose one or three of them. maybe the people who know their true passion don't get distracted by other things. maybe they are actually not as lucky as i thought cuz it may be an indication of singlemindedness, which can be a hinderance at times. who knows. it doesn't really matter actually. what does is that they're happy and excited about doing whatever it is that i do.

maybe this is what i'll think about when i'm in chicago and costa rica....and probably before then, too.

it's almost 11 and i'm still at home. i still have to take a shower. i still have to finish up some work before i head in. i'm actually ok with going in today. there will be kids, young and old, dressed up today.

i'm going to have a mellow night. i've decided. i'm going to the gym, cleaning up my ridiculously messy apartment, maybe playing my violin, and going to bed early. i want to be fresh for the weekend, which is also looking to be mellow. i need one of those after ny.

****

last night i saw there are a few bands playing at bruno's this week that i want to see. one of them is realistic. i've seen them at bruno's before. they're pretty good and have an interesting sound... kind of jazz meets drum and bass. the other is mingus amungus. i've never seen them, but have been meaning to.

i must be one of the few people left who only has a tapedeck in my car. i used to think how ironic it was that a guy i knew who drove a car 20 yrs older than me had a cd player. anyway, as a result, i'm usually listening to the radio during my long commute.

today, i heard several songs, which could be the soundtrack to my life lately. i don't know all uthe names of the songs or the bands who perform them, but some of the lyrics from various ones made me smile. some made me sad. here are some samples.

"i hate everything about you. why do i love you." - three days grace

"it's my life. don't you forget it." - no doubt does talk talk

"i used to love her, but i had to kill her." - gnr

"i'm so dumb, i thought you were on my side." - this one was actually from a dealership song last night.

****

tonight, i went to ceramics. i threw three pots, trimmed one, and glazed two. at least i was productive at something tonight. one of the pots i threw tonight will go to heg. i'm not sure which one, but she wants one to mix her tea. another one was a mistake. it might turn out well, so i might give that one to patrick. i haven't made a good mistake like that one for a while. the other is homeless as of yet.

the pot i trimmed was my first attempt at *closing* out the top. essentially, the opening is significantly smaller than the rest of the shape. i made that one for mom. i could see her cooking soup on the stove with it.

the two i glazed are for friends. on one of them, i tried double dipping; i layered two different glazes. i hope it turns out, as i really like the shape of it. the second one, i did a more standard glaze, which i have done a couple of other times with pretty good success.

i think i'm going to go there on saturday after i box. i only have a couple of sessions left and i want to finish up the three pieces i did today and make use of the rest of my clay.

****

so tomorrow is halloween. george reminded me of my costume idea from last year. i told him that i could dress up as a gangster, 40's style. i have a grey pinstriped suit with cuffed trousers that i used to wear in my high fashion teaching days. it's amazing to me that i used to care about designer clothing when i lived in nj. i was definitely impeccably dressed and the envy of my high school students. what an honor.

****

last night, souris mentioned a guy that is a good friend of her sister's, who she thought might be a good match for me. admittedly, on paper, he seems great. however, i don't know. i've dated that kind before, albeit not a korean version, but i'm still wary. who knows. if i meet him sometime, great. if not, i'm not going to make it happen.

souris said something that made me think, too, as she frequently does.
jee: however i have met those before
souris: yeah. def. you gotta keep trying them all out.
souris: i have to say in the last 10 years, i haven't seen ONE guy repeated.

yeah, i guess so. it's kind of weird, actually.

yesterday, as rebecca and i were driving back from the balboa theatre, we were going through one particular neighborhood which she calls "the little marina". it made me think of the time in my life when i spent a lot of time, although reluctantly, in the marina. i used to go to a gym there. i used to box there, and i had not been able to find a replacement gym with commensurate classes, so i was stuck going to the marina.

during part of that same time, i used date a guy who had a place in pac heights. we used to lots of yuppie-like activities: wine tastings, dinners at nice restaurants, dressy nights out, brunch on union street, giants games. it was a comfortable relationship, but not that exciting. it's easy to have a life like that, and i'm not complaining at all. he was/is a wonderful man, and i'm sure he'll make a great partner and father. just not mine.

on the other end of the spectrum, i used to date a guy who basically claimed to not like people, nor the society in which he lived. he had strong views about the government, and how the way his life should be: uncomplicated. going to the same places every day, sometimes reading the same books over and over again, seeking space and time away from people. i think he really believed that he could live on a desert island, alone, and be happy.

maybe all this says is that i am flexible, a social chameleon of sorts.

****

my violin teacher changed jobs. i don't know that i could deal with as much as he's gone through since i've known him: a divorce, moving three times, and now a new job. yikes.

i woke up late this morning. i stayed up too late again last night.

i went to see dealership play last night and they were good. the band before them were also pretty good. they were called the like young. they're a husband and wife duo from chicago. they looked like they were 15, but they rocked out hard. the wife played the drums and her husband was on the guitar. they both had tons of energy and it was cool to see people having so much fun on stage.

i saw jane briefly before the show. she was feeling a little under the weather. poor jane. too much fun in ny, perhaps.

i just finished my morning coffee and some emails for work and i should be off now. i'm still trying to wake up a bit and i'm not looking forward to the parking mess i'm sure i'll face when i get into the office.

tonight, i have ceramics and i'm looking forward to that. there are only 3 classes left, i believe, but the last one is not much of a working class, so i'll have to crank tonight on the things i want to make for people. i'm going to try to make some time for it this weekend, but i'm not sure when that will be. i still have to make it to the san jose museum for the surf exhibit and i'd like to get a lesson in, too.

*****

i wonder sometimes why i write this. it's not as if i write anything all that interesting.

i told sue the other day that my brain feels full. it seems like i forget things now that i didn't used to forget. i need to offload some of those thoughts somewhere. maybe that's here. or maybe i just want to remember these times, however insignificant they may seem to be now, at some later point.

rebecca and i just back from watching singlefin: yellow, a surf film. it started out with the story of the board being made by a guy named tyler, who lives down in el segundo. he has his own surfboard company. he created the board to be shared and enjoyed among his friends. the first recipient was a surfer in australia named beau young. the board gets handed around, all over the world -- from el segundo, to australia, to japan, to malibu, to mexico, to hawaii, and then back to el segundo.

it was well done and i was particularly inspired since it was a longboard (9'6"). everyone made it seem so easy. there was one female surfer, too, and she was in amazing shape. i gotta get stronger and leaner. ugh. i was on such a roll before i went to ny, but i all that eating and drinking combined with no real exercise has put me back a bit. i guess i still have a few weeks before costa rica to get it together.

i have to mention, too, that in spite of the fact that we were running late, we got rock star parking right in front of the theatre. that made my night. i'm pretty simple sometimes.

i'm waiting to go out to the bottom of the hill now. i am getting tired, but i want to make it to jane p's show. i haven't seen dealership before, but jane w says i'll love them.

the weather has turned and it's now cold and windy. it makes me even less motivated to go.

****

friday is halloween. i'm not sure what i'm going to do. i've never done halloween in the castro. i am not inclined to do it this year. last year, i was at a dinner party with a few friends of my boyfriend at the time. that was perfect. good food. good wine. good conversation. it seems that a life with people i care about has become what i seek these days, especially.

****

i'm glad that the evening redeemed the day. i was having a rough one today. sometimes i get down about my life, myself. i have to remind myself of the good stuff that's in the air and to come. seeing the movie tonight and getting excited about surfing this weekend and in costa rica was good for me. there's not enough time to be bothered by the small stuff, to wonder why people behave as they do or say things that are just the slighest bit hurtful, but not so blatently hurtful that you can call them on it.

nonetheless, i'm not immune to it.

****

there's something that men will never completely understand about women. i hate to generalize, but i think it's true. there are sayings, probably in every language, to describe older single women. i don't think this is the case for men.

the definition of older is certainly changing, and by my writing this i don't want to imply that i feel old. i really don't. in a lot of ways i feel younger and more alive than i have in years. i feel more aware of myself and my desires than when i was in my 20s. during the smart girls dinner, we all relished in the fact that everyone there was in their 30s. it's comfortable to be in my 30s. but i'm not complacent, and i know there's more to come and more i want to do. it's ok that i don't know now what those things are. i know i'll recognize them when i see them.

my head hurts today like i have a hang over. it's cruel to feel like you have a hang over when you haven't had the pleasure from the night before that makes it seem worth it the day after.

it's pounding right now. it feels like it's overheating like an old, uncared for engine. i can't believe i just used a car analogy, but i guess that's the influence of the oil change from this morning. i'm not sure how to make it better.

i got an unexpected im from jane today. pleasant surprise. it was nice to chat with her for a bit, and i'm looking forward to seeing her tonight. i hope i have the energy to stay awake for a 10.30 show. i'll make it.

still have a lot on my mind, but i'm more peaceful today, oddly. i've finally put some things to rest, but i'm not done thinking about them. that's not a contradiction.

things still feel a bit in limbo for me right now, but i'm trying to focus on the certain. my work. my impending vacation. my friends and family. my plans. the future. the now.

although i'm not sure i agree with it, it was worth a smile (or a laugh):

For all those men who believe that there's no reason to buy the cow when you can get the milk free, nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, as they have wised up to the fact that for 8 oz. of sausage it's not worth buying the entire pig!

i stayed up way too late last night. i'm not sure why. i'm tired today.

i just got home from the airport. patrick came back from tokyo today. he's leaving again on saturday morning to go to philly. he comes back a week later and then leaves for sydney until dec 3. wow. crazy.

i got my oil changed and they told me that my tires were very low. yes, indeed.

i'm feeling sluggish today. i am just having my coffee. i hope i got into the window. i need to be productive today.

****

no word from robyn in san diego. i hope she and steve are alright.

when sunhee and i were in the car looking for parking in the castro, todd called me. he was in the city and was going to attend a film screening but couldn't find parking in the mission. he wanted to see if i was free for dinner. i invited him to join us at cote sud. i'm glad i did.

i haven't talked to him in a long while, and it's probably been longer since we've gone out. i think we've both been busy, but he also has a girlfriend now. he seems happy, and i'm glad. he's such a nice guy.

the food was good. i had escargot to start, scallops as my entree, and a peach tart tatin for dessert.

sunhee started with the nicoise salad, had the cassoulet with seafood, and the napoleon for dessert.

todd's appetizer was the beef tartar, he had the pork as his entree, and ended with the strawberry soup. he told us a story about how he had 6 bowls of fruit soup on vacation with his family. i think he was trying to relive it tonight.

it was a prix fixe menu, and i would go back. it was a good value.

i think i'm working from home tomorrow, so that i can get my oil changed and pick up patrick from the airport. i'm looking forward to seeing him. he went to tokyo while i was in ny. he's going away again shortly after he returns and won't be back until i'm in costa rica. it's hard to keep track of him sometimes. i miss seeing him.u

there are two themes that seem to be prevailing lately: timing and distraction. timing struck again last night, sort of. something happened and i thought i was ready for it, but i wasn't. maybe that's the lesson, actually. i'll never be prepared for the timing.

today, someone i don't talk to anymore imed me. he was actually the first person i had the "you-don't-provide-value-to-my-life talk" with. i'm cordial to him when i see him, but i don't go out of my way to talk to him. i just don't feel one way or another about him. we just inhabit the same space sometimes. anyway, today, he wanted information. i had it. i gave it to him. i probably gave him more information than he needed or was required of me. i was fine with that. i was glad to be of help. it wasn't a big deal.

i've definitely been distracted lately. maybe it's my impending trip. for once, it seems to be at sort of the right time. it's right after a big deadline at work, so maybe my time away won't be as much of an impact as i thought. this would be a good thing.

i know that some of my distraction has been around this timing thing and the state of some of my relationships and non-relationships. who knows. i keep telling myself that i shouldn't think about it so much. i wouldn't say it's an obsession, but it's definitely a distraction.

even if i had someone who i was really thrilled about, i wonder how much time i would be able to dedicate to that person. my days and nights during the week are pretty full. my weekends are equally so. however, i guess if i had someone in my life who i was happy to see, i would make the time for them. i guess this is the case for the friends who i do see and make time to see.

i haven't seen some friends in a while, and i'm trying to figure out why that is. i guess things change, and friendships, like anything in life, ebb and flow.

tonight, i'll have dinner with sunhee and it should be good. i actually have to run out now, so i can drop something off at scott's before i head to dinner. yep, that's me being helpful again. weird. some things are so intrinsic and automatic that i can't control them. perhaps it's more that i just enjoy them so much that i don't consider it an option not to do them.

from the balboa theatre events page

SURF FILM NITE
Wednesday, October 29, 7:15 and 9:15

Here’s what the presenters have to say:

AQUA & WAVEFEST are together again to bring ya the best in Surfing Cinema!

We have been taking a li'l break with Surf Film Nite, but it is back and scarier than ever with this Halloween edition, Spooky!

With an Xcel Infinity wetsuit awarded to best Zombie costumed audience member at each showing. Bloody!- With a special locally made short Zombie film "SURF DEAD"! The hypothetical surf sequel to "Evil Dead", two SF surfers come across the Necronomicon, and wreak havoc on the coastline, yep- Zombies surfing out at Ocean Beach!

Then our feature presentation of Singlefin: Yellow! Which has a special appearance with SF Surf-shop's own Kyle Bernhardt fixing the board that takes beatings in all kinds of conditions! This beautifully shot film tells the story of one surfboard¹s life as it travels the globe shared by a group of friends. Filmmaker Jason Baffa ships the yellow singlefin (from retro surfboard shaper Tyler Hatzikian) to varied surfers around the globe, including legendary competitive and soul surfer Bonga Perkins, surf writer Devon Howard, Japan¹s 6¹7² rising son - David Kinoshita, the lovely and graceful Daize Shayne, among many others. The film also highlights significant surfing communities, creating a visual time capsule of various locations, including California, Hawaii, Australia, Mexico, and Japan.

Chronicle Books will also be proving some cool new Surfing books for prizes.

Commonly asked questions about Surf Film Nite-
Where? The Balboa-3630 Balboa Street at 38th in Sunny SF.
When? October 29th at 7:15 & 9:15
How? I dunno we just make it happen.
What do I wear? Zombie it up because best Surf Zombie wins an Xcel Infinity at each showing.
How much do I gotta pay to get in? $7.50 at da door.
Why should I care? Come on! Surfing on the big Screen, plenty of giveaways, a spirited audience! When else do you get to heckle so much in a movie theater.

i was particularly ADD today. i'm not really sure why. i think it's cuz there's some weirdness at work that i can sense and i'm not sure what the outcome will be. i'm not worried, but things are just a little tense.

i did very little at work today. it's too bad. i'm going to stay up for a bit to do some work. however, i did have a good day with respect to catching up with people at work. i guess that's work, too.

****

i had a good run after work. i ran a little further and a little faster than usual, and although i was yawning continuously for the 10 min before my run, i was surprisingly energetic.

****

i considered going to slims tonight to see the rogue wave with matt, jane, willo, hai, and rick. i don't know their music at all, so i wasn't totally motivated. i decided to practice my violin instead, and i'm glad i made that choice.

i haven't played in a while, and everytime i pick it up, i remember why i decided to play again. it's something that uses a different part of my brain and i can lose myself in it during a few magical moments. i played the bruch and some of the bach. i think they're both coming along. it's surprising how sometimes when you take a break from it, you actually sound better the next time around.

****

yesterday, i was reading the nytimes online and i saw an article that i knew an exboyfriend would find interesting. i forwarded it to him. i'm not sure why. i guess i was feeling particularly nice, or maybe i was just tired and didn't have a clear head. anyway, it was not an attempt to rekindle anything - a relationship, a friendship, communication. i guess there are just some things about me that i can't control. being helpful is one of these things. sometimes, i actually feel badly if i can't help someone.

he emailed me back today to thank me for forwarding it. he asked if i had time to catch up over dinner. i thought about it intermittenly during the day. i would be ok with that. i don't have any residual feelings about him. i don't want to be his girlfriend. i had told him when we broke up that i didn't want to be his friend. i didn't think he *made my life better with his presence* (actually i said that he added no value, but i'm trying this new phrase out). when i thought about that today, i realized that i had said that last year partly because i wasn't over him yet and it was best for me to not talk to him for a while. today, i still don't know that he adds any value. i mean, we definitely have things in common, and i enjoyed doing things like going to art openings with him, but when it's all said and done, i don't really need to know him.

if i agreed to meet him for dinner, i would probably do it during the week. that means, i'd have to leave work sort of early to make it back to the city and spend time with him. this is a night i could be spending with friends.

i don't have enough time to see the friends i already have. my life is already busy and i want to make sure to preserve some time alone and spend some time with friends and family. unfortunately, the rest is spent working or sleeping.

this makes me feel badly, too. it makes me feel mean and cold. however, i guess life is about choices, and people ultimately do what they want to do.

so, i wrote him back. i basically said you're welcome and be well. i didn't think i needed to go into any more detail.

****

tomorrow night i'm having dinner with sunhee. i haven't seen her for a couple of weeks. it will be nice to catch up with her.

a friend of mine from work is going through a surreal experience right now. her home is within miles of fires that are taking place near san diego. her home is in the direct path of the fires and she and her fiance are likely to be evacuated tomorrow morning. sadly, they just completed a serious home remodelling job recently.

it's bizarre. there's nothing you can do about it. you can try to fight it off and hope for minimal damage, but fire is insidious. luckily, they can stay with friends if things turn for the worse.

i'll definitely be thinking about her.

****

the other day, jane and i were talking about how after we've dated people, we sometimes don't stay friends with them. i told her that i needed a better way to tell someone that they *added no value* to my life. it sounds harsh and cold. some might even say it's mean. i think it's succinct and clear, but i also realize that it has a decidedly business tone to it.

she suggested that i might replace it with "your presence doesn't make my world a better place." i don't know if that's any better. i guess it sound more human and less corporate, but i actually think that it might be more harsh than the status quo. it's definitely longer.

hopefully, i won't have to verbalize these sentiments again.

****

so this weekend, i've been thinking a lot about karma. i generally believe in it. i think that i'm pretty good to people and that stuff comes back to you. matte puts it this way. everyone's got good and bad energy in them. if you give out the good energy, you make space to receive it. it works the same way for the bad. this makes sense to me.

this weekend i did something that i'm not too proud of. it's not a huge deal, but i'm none the less not that proud of it. in a drunken state, i flirted with someone who is already in a relationship, and that, is bad karma. although nothing happened and i'm probably over-reacting to it, i still feel badly. it was out of selfishness, too. i so rarely meet people i like that it is refreshing when it happens. at least i know it was wrong, and i won't let it happen again.

****

pics from saturday in petaluma with jane

pics from spencer and han's bday drinks

pics from scott's bday drinks

****

tonight i went over to jane's for a bit. she was having people over to carve pumpkins and enjoy a variety of grilled squash and pumpkins. it was a mellow evening.

willo and rick were there and i hadn't seen them in a while. i think we're going to the dealership show on wednesday at the bottom of the hill. i'm looking forward to seeing jane pinckard play.

scott, rebecca, and i went to bolinas today. we had a late start to the day due to the previous night's activities. more on this below.

the waves in bolinas were calm and the weather was gorgeous. i didn't catch any legitimate waves. i sort of stood up a couple of times, but it was relatively lame on my part. i got a little freaked out after seeing the head of a seal pop up a few times. i had all of these visions of sharks. when i was walking my board out, i could feel a weird current or something under the water, and i wasn't sure what was there. eventually, i got caught in a seaweed/kelp/fishing line mess and that was it. i was also getting hungry, so i got out of the water.

after i surfed, i went into the water part way without my wetsuit, and it was not too bad. it was nothing like the water down south, but it was nice to be there.

****

last night i went to dinner with jee. it was nice to catch up with her. we went to the last supper club and i had a delicious seafood pasta. after dinner, we went to the orbit room. it was crowded with han and spencer's crew. the bartender was in a pissy mood. i don't think he was prepared for the group. whatever.

jee was chatting with a friend of spencer's, so i left her there in capable hands. i headed over to sadie's for scott's birthday drinks. he had a crew of people there, too, who were fun. i hadn't seen jim for a while and we chatted about the pumpkins in petaluma.

somehow it was time for last call and we piled into a friend's jeep and headed to sparky's, which is one of the only 24 hr diners in the city. i had onion rings that i didn't really need to eat. isaac met up with us there and he eventually drove us home.

luckily, it was daylight savings time and we had an extra hour to sleep. i definitely needed it. i was a bit hung over.

i have lots of fun pics from sat night that i'll post later. i took a movie of scott dancing; now i have movies of him dancing on both coasts. funny.