after 10 hrs of sleep, i arose at 2. i stayed out a lot longer and later than i expected to last night. it was fun, but i think i was still a little drunk when i woke up today. i'm not hung over, but just a little blurry.

that's the theme for the day ....

it was grey when i woke up and looked like it was going to rain. in my blur, i left the umbrella in the car as i rushed over to see wayne levin. i thought it was more of a presentation or at least a structured event, but it was in the bookstore next to the cartoon museum on mission street.

when i walked into the bookstore i asked an older man who was standing there where the event was happening and pointed to the flier. he said, "that's me." i was surprised but also thrilled that i had met him.

i was the only person there for his *event*. wayne is a friend of jun's (they were at the sf art institute at the same time, but didn't know it until they met years later), who runs the bookstore, i guess. i picked out a bunch of books, and wayne signed a couple for me and my friend, janice, who introduced me to his work. jun asked me if i surfed; he recognized me from pacifica. he boogieboards there. he gave me a discount, which was cool.

it's shocking to me that wayne doesn't have his own site, so of course i mentioned that could help him with this. maybe he'll contact me.

monday night, he's doing a slide show presentation with a couple of other photographers. it looks really cool and i'm going to try to hit that after boxing.

****

i was going to go to the gym this afternoon, but it was so rainy and cold that i went to get some soup instead.

tonight is the full moon girls evening. we were going to head down to thirsty bear - it would have been two nights in a row for me - but the plans have changed. it's going to be esperpento and latin american club. this is much more my speed.

rebecca and i just got in from having dinner at chez mama, one of my favorite restaurants in potrero, and a trip to ross to get presents for tonight's party. it's a fundraiser for an east bay families organization. they're donating toys and money (if you don't bring a toy, there's an entrance fee).

we have about an hour to kill before genghis picks us up. he had pity upon me when i told him i was going solo and agreed to pick me up on his way there. it's his party.

now, he's picking up me and rebecca. she's just shut her eyes for a few minutes, but i have a feeling that my typing is disturbing her, so i'll have to finish up and then drink the rest of the small cocktail i've just made.

i think that's just what i needed. a cocktail.

****

recent ceramics pieces

****

this one's from kat.

it's the official end of the work week, but i'll be working a bit more. i think i am going to head out to that birthday party tonight. i have been a little antisocial lately and i should go. birthdays are important.

in three weeks, i'll be on a plane to costa rica. i so need that now. although i'm sad to miss the flaming lips, i don't really know their music anyway, so i'm not that bummed.

maybe i should try to auction off my spot + 1 to the party to a jee look a like. actually, probably any asian woman would do.

the flaming lips are playing our year end party.

last night i talked with jane and she mentioned that my symptom could be due to lots of different things and not to worry. i wasn't really worrying, but i got an appointment with a doctor today at 4.

i don't know why i've been going to sleep so late during this week.

there was very little work in my day. i met with a friend of a friend who wanted to know what i did at work. she and i talked for an hour. i had a meeting. i went to lunch with sue and then to the offsite.

city beach didn't really have a climbing facility. luckily, there was a planet granite next door, so sue, chris, and i climbed for about an hour. i'm going to update my "what" section with some pics soon ... not tonight.

we went back to the official offsite for an hour and i got to listen to this guy talk about how he's going to propose to his girlfriend, but didn't know what kind of diamond to get her.

****

i went to ceramics tonight and finished trimming everything i had thrown. every piece, except one, will be a gift. i'm going to keep the largest piece i've thrown to date. i engraved it; it says "to be shared with friends and family".

****

i called my mom on the way to ceramics. something's going on with my body, i think. when i described it to mom, she didn't sound alarmed. however, my sister called me back a minute later and said that i should see a doctor tomorrow. it could be nothing, or it could be serious. i guess that's the case for anything. however, it's been on my mind since she called me.

i'm going to try to get an appointment tomorrow.

i got to bed around 1am last night. unfortunately, i seem to be returning to late nights. maybe this is due to being off the meds.

i had trouble sleeping, again. my mind was active, as it has been on previous nights. unlike most nights, though, i burst into tears.

i don't consider myself an unhappy person, and i don't think that what happened last night implies that i am. part of me feels like a brat for even feeling sad. i know i am fortunate in lots of ways.

i was just sad. overwhelmingly sad. i hadn't really connected with the loss. i guess i needed to.

i'm ok now.

i just got home from dinner out with hill and jane. we went to home on market street. they have cocktail specials every night and a slew of martinis that are always $5. i'll have to remember that. appropriately, tonight's drink special was the $3 cosmo. they were yummy. in spite of the lacking service, we had a long, leisurely dinner and caught up on each other's lives. it has been ages since i've seen hillary and it was nice to hear about the events in her life.

the discussion about buying a house came up and i thought that this might be something i'd like to investigate more seriously. although there's a lot emotion that's tied to buying property, it is definitely more practical than renting.

i feel, though, that my life is too up in the air right now to make that kind of commitment. if i really loved my job, really loved san francisco, really wanted to move somewhere or do something else, it would make this decision clearer for me. right now, i feel like everything's going pretty well. i'm not complacent, but i'm not sure that i'd want to disrupt the balance as severely as buying property would.

there are times when i think that i'd like to live the *real* california experience. that is, live on the beach, wear a skirt or shorts every day, go surfing regularly. the turn in the weather lately has made me realize that the winter is going to be rough as far as surfing goes, and it's making me look forward to my costa rica trip even more.

jane and i also talked about possibly bailing on the desert and going to mexico instead. both of us would be into being in hot weather at christmas, since we both come from cold winter locales. we'll have to investigate this possibility further.

of course the topic of boys and past relationships emerged during the evening, and hillary said something that reminded me of something important. she was talking about a conversation she had with her sister regarding her brother in law. hill's sister said something to the effect of, "i knew he was right for me because we could solve problems together." it reminded me how important it was to be able to resolve conflicts with the person you're with, and how in my last relationship this was very difficult. conflicts are, of course, always going to arise, and when they did in the recent past, i remember feeling really frustrated and exhausted. we didn't know how to resolve them quickly or easily. i often felt steamrollered into silence, and this was not good. i'm not blaming him for that, as i know that i was in control of how i responded to his behavior. however, it just reminds me of the fact that it wasn't going to work, as i didn't think his behavior was going to change, and my reaction to it probably wasn't either.

i'm glad i decided to go out tonight. i had thought it would be a quiet night for me, and i was sort of looking forward to that, but tonight reminded me of how much i enjoy people, especially jane and hill. i'm glad i met them this year.

****
on the way to work this morning, i heard a new song by simply red. it samples hall and oats's "i can't go for that". it made me smile.

i woke up today, cold. it's grey outside. i'm trying to not let that affect me. i'm still at home. no meetings this morning, so i'll go in after lunch.

i recently reconnected with a friend from high school. it's funny how small the world is. he went to school with a woman i now work with and saw me in an advertisement i did for work.

****

i stayed home last night. no pussy for me. maybe next time.

i just got home from work and working out and i'm now debating on whether i should go see nashville pussy at the bottom of the hill. last night, willo reminded me that they were going to be here. i had planned to see them a while back, but things were different then.

today, i got a magnet and a hula girl holding a ukulele - with full swinging hips - branded with my company's name and promoting our year end party. it's sitting on my desk. luckily it doesn't have a big footprint; not much open desk space.

i'll be in costa rica during this year's party, which is just as well. last year's was a ... blur.

thursday, i'm going to citybeach for a work offsite. there are 55 of us so far. it'll be an afternoon of rock climbing, eating, and *bonding*.

i laid in bed longer than i should have. i think i was resisting the potential shock my body would be in considering last night's work out. as expected, it was hard to get out of bed. i'm going to have to reconsider the run after work. i hate squats. that's what did it last night.

in spite of being a little sleepy when the alarm went off, i'm feeling pretty good today. it's sunny, although not warm. it feels like new england today.

so i just got home from the boxing class. yes, it was good. it was 75 min long and it might have been the longest 75 min of my life. good thing i hadn't worked out all weekend, or i would have definitely quit midway through it.

the first 30 min or so we did all of these general fitness exercises (squats, etc.) and then most of the rest of the class we paired up for mit drills in the ring. i had never been in a ring before, so that was pretty cool. the last 15 min or so we did work on the heavy bags. it was definitely fun and i remembered why i used to enjoy it so much.

as i was hitting the heavy bag, paul came by and said "so i guess you weren't lying when you said you could punch a little." that made it all worthwhile.

paul is a good teacher, encouraging and tough. there was another guy there, simon, who snapped pictures most of the time. towards the end of the class, he asked if he could take a few of me to put into the brochure they're putting together for their grand opening on the 15th. i said sure, but that the irony of the situation was that this was my first class there and i had not signed up for a membership. i'll have to look for the brochure or stop by the grand opening.

as i was leaving, i thanked paul for the class and he asked if i had a schedule. yes. then i told him that my current membership was about half the cost of theirs. i told him i'd probably come by on a drop in basis, since i'll be out of town in a few weeks.

it was cool cuz there were a couple of girls there, one of whom had trained with paul privately for the past two years. she was good! she really moved like a fighter and that was very inspiring to see. she said that he was actually very funny, but had a serious demeanor and to not take him too personallly.

i'm glad i went cuz it's a good option for me. it's close to home and a good workout. we'll have to see how my body feels tomorrow.

****

last night, jane and i talked about our desert adventure. we made reservations at the desert hot springs spa for christmas eve and the next couple of days. we're still debating between driving or flying, but we'll probably drive, so that we can do a night in la, as well. i'm excited for our trip! i haven't done a road trip in a really long time. i actually can't even remember the last one. it's high time.

****

i had a really horrible time falling asleep last night. i'm not sure if it was the loud rain, the fact that i had slept for 11 hours the night before, or if i was just anxious about it being monday and having to go to this class tonight. oddly, i also could not get the mozart 5 out of my head. i had played it yesterday and i remembered how much i had liked it. i couldn't stop thinking about it. strange.

at midnight, i got up to go to the bathroom and i realized that i had been trying to sleep for about an hour without success. i have never had trouble sleeping. i'm not sure why it's starting now.

it made me really anxious.

when i got up this morning, an hour after i had wanted to, i actually dressed up a bit for work and i didn't wear a stitch of black. in a weird way, wearing a skirt and boots made me feel a little more awake, a little more prepared for my monday.

today is the end of my first day without the herbal meds i've been drinking basically since the end of july.

it just occurred to me. maybe that's why i've been in a bit of a sad funk today.

after talking to a couple of my friends, it's clear that it's going around and has nothing to do with the meds. maybe it's the weather. maybe it's the end of the year. who knows.

i just hope that when i wake up tomorrow, it's gone.

hipster quiz. according to this, i'm 37% hipster.

new toilet paper

last night, i was going to make myself some tea. i totally forgot that i had the saucepan on the stove. this is the second small saucepan i've burned through.

upon jane's recommendation, i went to ross to get a teakettle. i'll try it out tonight.

i got some other stuff at ross, and then went to safeway. i'm out of qtips. then, i went to the mission, hoping to get to the fishmarket before it closed. no parking.

i'm eating a basic korean dish for dinner. it's actually perfect right now. spicy, warm, vegetarian. it's exactly what i need. it's also solo food, cuz it makes your breath stink.

i never exercised today. i did, however, play my violin and clean my room. i guess that counts for something.

now, i'm going to sit down to do some work. eek.

today is one of those days when all i feel like doing is curling up in my bed with someone i love.

it is the one thing i can't do.

****

i just really heard this song for the first time.

you're dangerous 'cos you're honest
you're dangerous 'cos you don't know what you want
well you left my heart
empty as a vacant lot
for any spirit to haunt

...

you're an accident
waiting to happen
you're a piece of glass
left there on the beach
well you tell me things
i know you're not supposed to
then you leave me
just out of reach

...

well you stole it
'cos i needed the cash
and you killed it
'cos i needed revenge
well you lied to me
'cos i asked you to
baby ... can we still be friends?

...

the depper i spin
the hunter will sin ... for your ivory skin ...
took a drive in the dirty rain
to a place where the wind calls your name
under the trees the river laughing
at you and me ...
halluijah, heaves white rose
the doors you open
i just can't close

don't turn around
don't turn around
don't turn around
your gypsy heart
don't turn around
don't turn around again
don't turn around
and don't look back
come on new love
don't turn around

who's gonna ride your wild horses?
who's gonna drown in your blue sea?
who's gonna taste your salt water kisses?
who's gonna take the place of me?
who's gonna ride your wild horses?
who could tame the heart of thee?

so i thought i would be out by now, but i've spent the last few hours in front of my computer, updating other parts of my site.

new updates to:
what i do
what i do - create
what i do - move
where i go - trips

i don't know why it's been important to me to make these updates. maybe i just wanted the time alone to reflect on what i've been doing lately.

however, i know that i'll have to do something else today. maybe it's time for laundry.

surfline says pacifica is unsurfable today. rebecca can't take the time to go to bolinas. scott's up for anything cuz he doesn't have a car. so, what should i do?

i slept for 11 hrs last night. unbelievable that i still feel a little out of it. i'm still having my coffee; maybe that's it.

i think i should probably just do my laundry and go to yoga today. i think that would be the best use of my day.

****

last night i realized that i like making part of ceramics more than the keeping.