i'm leaving my laptop and cell phone in chicago. it's going to be great.

strangely, i have been a little anxious about this trip. i'm not a pessimist and i'm not morbid, but i have a weird feeling about it. i hope it's just paranoia. i guess i'm just a little worried about it for some reason. i'm really not sure why. i've got a hotel for the first night. i've packed everything. i'm sure its just nerves, for whatever reason.

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jin and i ran some errands this morning and then they left to go ice skating. i hung out with mom and did a little primping. we did our toe nails and plucked our eyebrows. well, i did her toes and plucked for her, but it was all good.

we sometimes have trouble talking, and sometimes it doesn't seem like she knows who i am, but she's my mother. she knows me. she said i'm like an egg; i have a hard shell, but i'm soft on the inside. she said that she and i are similar in this way.

she worries about how i live my life, and i understand that. i told her about how i manage my money and how much money i'm able to save. i explained that i sometimes spend entire weekends alone and other times go out every day. i told her that i appreciate what my body can do now and that i have to do the activities when i can and am still able to. i think she's a peace now.

OMG. i ate too much. after turkey and an assortment of other heavy food including two french cakes (one for each grandfather) and two different pumpkin pies, i was ready to lay of my stomach.


my dad's on the right.

that's just what i did while we played yut (pronounced "yoot"). it's a traditional korean game that is usually played at holidays like new years and christmas. my sister thought it would be fun to play it tonight and prepared a bunch of prizes, too. i had to wrap them up, identically, earlier today. all of the boxes, except for one, had a gift that had a $10 value. the one oddball had a single dollar bill.



mom, jin, jim, and i were all on the same team. (mom's turn below)



we came in second place. mom got the boobie prize. it was funny to see all the men, including helen's two boys get all huffy and competitive about the game. (jim manning the board)



more pics

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my flight doesn't leave until about 5pm tomorrow, so i'll have the morning to run any last minute errands and have lunch with mom before i go. i haven't packed yet, but i'm actually thinking that maybe i won't bring everything i had planned. sarah might be onto something ... i really just need a pair of shorts and my bikinis, right?

yesterday we stopped by my sister's new home. they're not done yet, but they hope to move in by march. the last time i saw it, they hadn't completed the brick.



it's a nice house. we walked through and she explained the layout. it'll be a good home for them. i don't know that i could live there, but mostly cuz it's in the middle of nowhere. they have a *view* from the balcony of the master bedroom. i'm not quite sure what it's a view of, but it made me appreciate the one from my apartment in sf.

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we had a drink in the bar adjacent to the restaurant before dinner. i had forgotten that smoking is still permitted in bars in chicago. weird. i had a kettle one up with olives, and it actually tasted a little watered down.

we had brought a wine for dinner, the pride cab i had gotten them for some occasion ... maybe an anniversary. after a glass of that, the martini kicked in, and i was feeling pretty good.

i'm a chatty drunk. i wasn't really drunk, but i was definitely buzzed. anyway, last night i told them about the three dates i had in the same week, but that the week was atypical. they're sure that i need a *bad boy* type. i disagree.

i told them how i'm hoping to find some clarity during my trip and how i'm not sure what's going on with my professional life. it was good to talk to jim and to hear that his world is similar to mine in that respect. it seems like all corporations are cutting back and trying to squeeze as much out of people as possible. i guess that's just the way it is, and i either need to accept that or leave.

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i talked to boy #3 the other day as he was coming out of a massage and on his way to get lunch before going to work. rough life. he said that he knew he was lucky to be able to do what he loves every day. it made me think about what that would be for me. if someone told me that i could do what i loved for the rest of my life and all i had to do was figure out what that was, i'm not sure what i would say.

in talking to jane about this, she said she has too many things that she loves to do. i realized that i am similar. there are lots of things that i really like to do, and maybe i even love some of those things. i don't think i could just choose one.

part of me really wants to do something physical for a while. it's like i've already proved to myself that i can stretch my mind in intellectual ways, and i'm getting better at the creative ways, too. i'd like to continue with ceramics and music, as i know there's still a lot to be learned and improved. i feel this way about the physical activities that i do, too. i guess the appeal of doing something physical everyday is just that i've never really thought of myself as athletic (i got C's in PE as a kid and avoided regular exercise until about 10 yrs ago) and in having a job that requires athleticism and physical prowess, it would show me that i'm really able to do anything. i feel this way about most things, but they generally have to do with thinking more than physical activity.

who knows. i'm not convinced that i have do so something for money in order to know that i am capable. it's interesting though, how this whole getting paid thing makes you think about your worth and validates that you are good enough at something to earn money for doing it. maybe that's it. right now, everything i do outside of work is for fun, enjoyment, and my own personal growth. i've been fine with seeing improvement on my own. it hasn't been important that someone else recognizes it. i'm not sure, even now, that it is important. however, i'm not sure why lately i think so much about making exercise and activity a larger part of my daily routine.

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today is thanksgiving and it is also my dad's birthday. i haven't spent much time with him unfortunately. he and i are similar in that we are often busy doing something. i'm trying to talk him into getting dsl. apparently the burbs have just gotten connected.

i ran errands this morning for my sister and then helped cook a bit. they have a 17lb turkey and assorted fixings. i'm making brussel sprouts. zoe says she likes them.

she danced around the living room this morning. i think it was the routine from her ballet recital. she's a funny kid. her lips are blue from a popcicle.

last night, i watched a couple more dvds. my father's collection is vast, but strange. i watched legally blonde and 3 kings. i actually hadn't seen them before; they were entertaining.

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it was hard to get out of bed this morning. i had to get up to go to zoe's school for grandparents day. it was incredibly cute. the lower school is composed of a series of little rooms that look like houses.



there was a teepee in the back, as well as this:

unfortunately, i didn't get to take a picture of the mini-door that the kids walk through to enter the building. however, i did take a few of zoe working on numbers and counting in her classroom.



being a former math teacher, it was cool to see that she was learning to represent 1000 as a cube. i don't remember ever learning it like that.

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i went to a gym near my parents house. i told them i was on a project here for a few months and wanted to check it out. 110k sq feet. 6 indoor tennis courts. full basketball court. indoor lap pool, outdoor pool. steam rooms. saunas. it was insane. i guess there's that kind of space in the burbs.

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i'm heading out to dinner with jin and jim shortly. we usually do a night out without the parents. i sometimes think it's more like a recon mission that jin does for mom. i guess i should tell mom more, but ....

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2 more days....

it seems that sarah and i are both in desperate need of this vacation. we both have a lot of thinking to do, or at least i do, and costa rica seems to be the perfect place to reach this state of nirvana.

this is actually right on schedule for me in lots of ways. actually, i guess, its a bit early. i usually get into this introspective funk at the end of the year; it's not even december yet.

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i spoke with boy #3 today. it was nice to hear his voice. i had forgotten how it was to be in that *getting to know each other phase*. that time is so awkward.... when you're trying to figure out what you can and can't say, so that you don't freak the other person out, cuz you're not sure how they're feeling about you quite yet.

so, needless to say, i simply said "it's nice to hear from you" instead of "i've been thinking about you and i'm happy to hear your voice." i guess that would have been a little over the top.

****

just as i suspected, you can't get a rash guard or board shorts in chicago in november.

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tonight, i spoke with wayne online. i hadn't talked to him for a while. we made a tentative date for the middle of february. symphony rehearsal.

this is my first real day of vacation. i haven't (yet) checked my work email. i haven't really thought about work related stuff.

i woke up around 9, had some coffee, and then went out to run errands with mom. walmart, barnes and noble, costco, and the like. at least i got another compact flash card for my camera and balance bars for my trip.

i went out for a bit on my own ... i've missed the alone time i usually enjoy in sf ... to do a little shopping. i got a few things for myself and some bunny slippers and dr. seuss classics for my neice.

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tonight, was the first night my mom, sister, and i drank together. it was bound to happen, and when it does, the stories flow. tonight we talked about how ridiculously flirty my 5 year old niece is. she's all about talking to cute boys. "what's your name? how old are you? do you have kids?" it's hilarious. i have yet to see her in action.

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i can't believe it's already tuesday. there are just a couple more days until i leave. i just got an email regarding the camp. apparently, there are just three of us there this week. i'm hoping for a lot of attention. maybe sarah and i will make it into blue crush 4 instead of 8.

my father is a technophile. he got a cd player when it first came out, around 1984i. he got a laser disc player. he has cd burner, dvd player, and assorted other console items.

he has a huge library of vhs tapes and is growing his dvd collection. i knew that i would be able to catch up with the movies i missed in the theatre when i got home.

i just watch blue crush and charlie's angels 2: full throttle.

i'm ready for my trip now.

today i worked, and it tested my patience.

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i've been thinking about something robin said yesterday. i was telling her how i didn't know if my work impacted society enough or at all, and she said that she thought her parents felt that way about what she studies. they don't understand the value of studying video games. i told her that fun and entertainment were extremely important and had huge value to society.

everyone needs fun. gotta remember that.

i had promised myself not to plan the last three days of my trip in costa rica. this isn't such a big deal to most people, i imagine, but i have a serious propensity to plan.

my dad's the planner in my family. he's the guy who figures out the day by day itinerary, the places he'd like to stop and take pictures of, the high points he wants to video. i'm like him, but probably not quite to the same degree. i don't bid on golf tee times.

anyway, last night, i was trying to figure out what i should do when i first arrived in cr. my flight gets in at 1am and i had considered waiting at the airport from 1-10am, which is when sarah gets in. the camp advised that i stay at a hotel and i hadn't heard back from them. after a lot of deliberation, i made a reservation last night. this morning, i got an email from the camp indicating that they too had made a reservation for me. crikey.

well, i'm sure it'll all work out. if not, it's a $100 i didn't expect to spend, but i'm ok with that. live and learn i suppose.

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my neice woke me up today. she was going to school and waiting for my mom to drive her. as i peered out the window, i noticed something different from yesterday. snow. sheesh. i guess it's really november in chicago.

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my sister is getting me bug spray and a first aid kit today. i guess this is one of the perks of having a sister who is a part time pharmacist at wallgreens.

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i'm working from chicago today, on 28.8 dialup.

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T - 4 days until fun in the sun, a lot of thinking about nothing, warm water, and tropical drinks. hopefully sarah wasn't serious about quitting drinking.

do romantic relationships always have to go *somewhere* or can i just have one for fun? this is a question i have asked myself during different points in my life. i've had various answers at each of those times.

i'm asking myself this question again.

when i got to college, i was so enthralled with the idea of dating and boys that i was all for having relationships for fun. (this is what happens when your parents don't let you date when you're in high school.) i got tired of this after a semester or so and fell in love with a boy before the end of the academic year. we were together for a little over a year, and the relationship was always about going *somewhere*. there were talks of the *future* and being *together*.

by the middle of my junior year, i was back to feeling like i wanted to have relationships for fun. i had had enough of serious talk, and i wanted to be free to date whomever i wanted. after a few shorter relationships here and there, with no one i would consider a *life partner*, i was back to being single and wanting to have a relationship of substance. i think i was 22 at this time.

that's when i met a guy with whom i would spend the next 6+ years. there were moments when i thought that this was IT. obviously, i was wrong.

after that relationship ended, i had a few more relationships -- probably not the best thing to do -- i think in part to sort of make up for lost time. i always thought seriously about these relationships ... considering their likelihood for success in the longterm. however, i stayed in some probably longer than i should have, in spite of knowing that they weren't going to work, cuz i was having fun.

a few weeks ago, i ran into a boy who i hadn't seen in a while. he and i had always had bad timing. he was either with someone or i was with someone. this last time, we were both free, and hung out all night. we had fun, and i even got his number, but i never followed up with him. in spite of not really knowing him that well, i could just see that it wasn't going to go anywhere. he would be a fun person to party with, but i didn't think there was going to be much more. i justified not calling him with this rationale. i was probably just chicken, too.

i think part of me was also considering that time is precious and why spend it with someone who you're not totally excited about seeing? i mean, this guy would have been fun, but is that enough?

i guess i've flip-flopped a lot with this question. now, i'm thinking about it again.

it's not a pressing question, though, as i know that i'll have time to think about it, as well as nothing, while i'm in costa rica. i'm planning to do a lot of that ... thinking about questions as well as thinking about nothing. i'm not sure which will be better for me, but i'm not worried.

i know things will happen as they will and as they're supposed to.

a friend of mine just asked me if boy #3 will get a third date. i told him i'd just have to see how i felt after i got back from my trip. i'm hoping for some clarity in a big way.

i spent most of the afternoon with robin. she's a friend i met during smart girls' night at souris and silvio's in nyc this past october. she and i hadn't really talked much since ny and i had felt badly that i didn't contact her until yesterday.

it all worked out fine though, as we had a great time. we met at her apartment, which is super cute. she lives with paul, another ai phd student. he just got back from edinborough and hadn't planned to go to northwestern. however, i think it's working out well.

robin and i went downtown and did a little shopping. we talked for the first time, over coffee and a pecan bar, in the 900 north michigan mall. i hope we get to do it again.

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being at home is always somewhat of a strange trip for me. today, i drove down to the city in my dad's mercedes. there wasn't another car to drive. it was sort of strange for me to drive it, cuz cars and other status symbols have meant little to me during the last few years.

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my mom showed me some of the pieces she's made in her ceramics class. they're beautiful and it thrills me that she's doing it. she currently builds by hand, but is looking forward to finding a studio in which she can learn to throw pots on a wheel. i hope she does.

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yesterday, my niece saw my tattoo again and said, "how come it's still there?" when i told her it was permanent, she gave me a puzzled look and repeated "permanent?" that made me smile. i'm sure my sister was thrilled.

zoe is also learning to read. tonight, she went through a bunch of flashcards with me and i was amazed at the kinds of words she's able to sound out.... words like "eleven" and "umbrella". she discarded the *easy* ones like "chair". she starts first grade next year. i can still remember when she was born.

she's also fascinated with my hair. it's longer than anyone else's in my family. she's been wanting to braid it for a while. tonight she did. i wish i had taken a picture.

tonight she told me that i was her best friend. usually my mom is her best friend. i'll be her best friend until i leave. then, mom will reclaim that space.

i was asleep before the plane took off this morning at 6.36am. i was still sort of groggy as i waited for my luggage at baggage claim, but i tried to be as cheerful as possible, as i didn't want to get crap from my family for being in a bad mood.

after a trip to the grocery store and lunch, we were finally home. i unpacked the gifts i brought - the company golf shirts for my parents and a couple of pieces i made - changed my clothes, and dropped into bed.

it was just going to be a nap, but when i woke up it was 8 am. wow. 16 hrs.

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it's still sort of amazing to me that my parents are still on dialup. i'm connected at 28.8 right now. geez.

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i'm going to meet robin later today. i haven't seen her since ny. i'm looking forward to it.