i just got in from dinner with my sister and mom. we went to lovell's, a restaurant in lake forest, the town my sister will move to in february. the restaurant was modeled after a french estate, but, oddly, it displayed a lot of nasa related photographs and astronaut themed pieces. it turns out that lovell's is owned and run by the son of the astronaut of the same name who was on the apollo 13 mission, i believe.

we brought a fabulous bottle of wine with us: 1997 chateau st. jean cinq sepage. it was a bottle that mike, a guy who i had dated a couple of years ago, had brought to my parents house from japan upon my request. you couldn't find it in the states anymore, but i had found some on my trip to tokyo earlier that year.

dinner was great, and i picked up the tab. i often offer, but no one ever lets me pay at home. they did tonight, and i think it made my mom really happy. a couple of years ago, i wouldn't have been able to spend that kind of money on dinner.

after dinner, we had to hit the mall. i'm in the burbs after all, my sister's a shopper, and my mom is determined to buy me a purse. i'm not opposed to the idea, but i don't want to spend a lot of money on it. the one i have carried for the past 6 years was something like $40, and i've worn it to the ground. it's time to get a new one. unfortunately, the only one that i saw tonight that i liked was a *prada* and it was $300. it wasn't even leather. i cannot, upon principle, spend that kind or money or let my mother spend that kind of money on a purse.

i went home with a box of chocolates for my boss and one mac lipstick. my sister and mother went home with 18 huge woven baskets.

on the way home we commented on the quality of the christmas light decorations and how they changed from town to town.

****

yesterday i was playing with zoe in the kitchen. she was already in her pjs and robe (both pink). she was lying on the counter, and i looked at her closely for perhaps the first time.

she's got really long eyelashes and huge eyes. i wondered if eyeballs get larger as you get older. embarrassingly, i don't remember that from biology.

everyone's always said that she looks more like me than my sister. even my sister and mom say that. i never really saw it, but today, as i was brushing my teeth i looked at myself in the mirror, and i saw it. she does look like me.

****

i go back to sf tomorrow. i'm looking forward to seeing friends. i've missed them.

i just finished transcribing my journal from my trip. a lot of it is banal. but, as matte says, most of life is. i decided not to censor most of it, as long as it pertained to me. i'm glad i went transcribed it, cuz it reminded me that i did have some thoughts that i want to remember. i've sort of exerpted them here.

28 nov
... maybe next year i'll think about owning a home. it's strange that i even think about that stuff now. it wasn't that important to me before. it's been nearly 6.5 years since i've moved to sf. maybe this is where i'm supposed to be.

29 nov
... part of me wonders what i will feel like when i return. i have to be conscious to think about the now and enjoy the present. to be present here, to enjoy the current state.

... sarah asked me what i do best among all my activities, and i don't know what that is. i'd like to get better at surfing; to have that be my best activity.

30 nov
... i ask gustavo today where the ticos vacation. he says that they don't. money isn't as disposable. they don't vacation like americans do. i start to feel badly. then i suggest that perhaps if you have a *job* that you love, like he does (he gets to surf and makes his living on it) then maybe you don't really need vacations like we do. sarah interjects that when she was teaching windsurfing, she rarely wanted to spend her off days at the beach. i don't know how i'd feel about that.

is everything or anything when done for money become base? does it lose its enjoyment when it becomes a necessity to sustain life or lifestyle? or is it simply that sarah didn't like windsurfing enough? would i feel that same way? not sure....

1 dec
... the part of being a higher kind of selfish resonates with me [ from bobos in paradise]. its interesting to me that it's not uncommon to feel this way, but its unlikely to find a way to sate it. that should be my quest. how and where will i find a place where i'm learning, emotionally charged, socially aware? maybe i'm already there. sometimes i wonder if i can find it or is it really inside. is work always just going to be a means to an end or is what i do really helpful to people? is it possible?

there is something about being here that kind of makes me feel badly. having gustavo talk about how the ticos don't vacation and then being in the water today with alvaro was both beautiful and sad.

4 dec
... this morning, we headed to the ocean a little later than usual. we stopped by the bakery cuz alvaro said we were going to stay out a little later than normal. i got a couple of good rides in with alvaro's help, but i also got worked a couple of times. the waves were definitely a little bigger today. there was one wave that i tried to get and alvaro said it was great that i tried to get it. it showed that i had balls. maybe more that i was stupid. in any case, i didn't catch it, but that was ok. some days area going to be better than others. i accept that. my arms are definitely more achy today. however, i think i'm going to stay and surf for the days after camp. i came here to surf and to improve, and that's what i'm going to do. i need to get a little stronger and become a better swimmer.

6 dec
... it's definitely interesting to travel alone. eating alone. walking around alone. it's all very different. although i wish i was here with someone, it's ok to be without.

... alvaro has an interesting life. he surfs in the morning and then gives surf lessons for a couple of hours. eats and then goes out to ride his dirt bike or mountain bike. it's not a bad life. he doesn't drink, smoke, or consume coffee. he goes to bed early and wakes up with the sun. that is pura vida. pura vida is the way to go. this week has been uneventful and i think if my life was like this every day, it would be hard. however, i don't know how much i really miss sf. it's more the people i miss.

... what am i going to do next year. so much to think about.

it's been 2.5 yrs since i started at yahoo. i need to start thinking about everything else i want to do with my life.

7 dec
... today i got up and had breakfast under the shade. the gallo pinto here is not as good as joice's, but they had some maduros and yucca. i sat with two women from seattle. they were filipinas. they were friends from college and make a yearly trip together somewhere. that was very cool to me. they were probably in their 50's.

... i don't know if i could live here. some of me thinks that it's feasible. i could do web design and then surf. that wouldn't be such a bad life.

8 dec
... sometimes i wonder if this is it. is it about working so that you can vacation? maybe i need to find work that is like a vacation? i don't know that it's possible.

i haven't had any epiphanies, per say, like i had hoped during this trip. i guess if anything, it's just put things into perspective for me. maybe i don't need the nightlife of the city. maybe it's more about reading, enjoying the beach, and surfing. maybe it's about being alone. maybe it's about the conversations and the people you meet. everyone's got a story and i learned a bit about marc and sarah during this trip. i also learned about myself. i'm glad that sarah left me those two books. i especially liked the memoir. the line me = a normal girl + X resonates with me. although i think his point was that there wasn't an "x", i think for me, there is. i am a normal girl, but i guess i'm not sure what that means.

sometimes i feel old, like i can't believe that i'm 32. it's strange to think that, to write it. 1971 doesn't seem to mean the same thing. i know i've always purported that it's just a number, and i still believe this. however, my window of opportunities for some things are probably closing. i guess the trick is to know what those opportunities are. maybe i do need to commit first and figure it out later. in a lot of ways i think that's what i've been doing.

i don't really care about knowing what's in the future. i know it will be revealed and that the people in my life all have a reason for/to me. maybe i just think too much. i need to start meditating when i get back to sf. i think it will help me gain some balance. there's a lot to be done when i return and there's not a lot of time before the new year.

... i just got in from surfing for the last time in costa rica ... at least this trip. i couldn't have asked for a better day. the waves were weird at the spot we've gone to before, and we ended up going to the place we went on the first day with gustavo. it was a nice closure to the trip. the waves seemed small at first, which made it easy to get out into the deeper water. i actually caught some waves on my own after i stopped thinking so much about it.

9 dec
... this morning i woke up for the first time before 6. maybe it's the anxiety or anticipation of leaving. i will admit that i have thought a bit about work, but i'm ok with it. i haven't gotten consumed by the thoughts and i haven't been angry about it. it's kind of funny that talk about work ceased to be a top of conversation after the first day.

... i have done none of the touristy things here. i have done none of the canopy tours, volcano, kayaking, nothing. i've tried to be as inconspicuous as i could.

this has been a good time for me. although i didn't do much except surf, read, and write, i think it's exactly what i needed.

10 dec
... this has been a good trip for me as it's shown me that even in a really boring locale ... boring's not the right word. more like limited, i'm ok being alone. i enjoy it even. good to know for sure.

full transcription

in reading my post from yesterday, i realized that i wasn't very coherent. i can't promise that i'm going to be any more coherent today, but i have a few thoughts.

i had hoped to find some clarity during this trip and myabe experience an epiphany or two. i'm not sure that i did. the truth is, that i'm not really sure how i feel about being back.

maybe part of it is cuz i'm not really *back*. i'm in chicago. i'm not in sf until saturday night. i sort of wish that i was back home already, but i know that i should enjoy the time here, as i won't see my parents for a few months.

i read a few books while i was gone. the first was bobos in paradise. a bobo is short for "bourgeois bohemian". it was more of a social history than i expected, but i enjoyed it. it resonated with me. i, too, am trying to reconcile. i have a desire to be financially stable, yet i don't want to sell out to the *establishment*.

i, too, am selfish, but in a good way. i want to work at a job that is enjoyable, socially responsible, emotionally rewarding, and intellectually challenging. i'm willing to leave a job if it falls short, cuz i think i deserve to be in a job that doesn't.

so i ask myself, what is it? what job will have all of these characteristics? more importantly, if your job is doing something that you love, does it eventually become base?

i asked gustavo, alvaro's best friend who gave us our first lesson in cr, where the ticos vacation. he said they didn't. a lot of ticos don't really have disposable income. when he told me this, i felt bad and i thought that maybe i was taking advantage of him and the country. i sort of rationalized it by saying something to the effect of "well, i guess if you do something you love for work, then you don't really have to take vacations." gustavo just sort of smiled.

gustavo surfs for a living and he loves to surf. however, does the fact that he gets money for surfing and teaching surfing diminish the fun? does anything, if you get paid for it, lose its emotional value?

does anything that you love to do eventually feel like work if you have to do it?

marc is a former bellman in aspen, co. he used to play college hockey. he loved it, but found that he loved to write even more. he would love to work as a writer, but doesn't think he'll be able to sustain himself. i asked him if writing ever felt like work. "YES".

*****

sarah left me with two books before she left. the first one i read was called "my little blue dress". ironically (you'll know if you have read this book), i identified with this, too. there is one line in particular that struck me: "Me = normal girl + X". this is always how i have felt. i never knew what the *X* was. i'm still not sure what it is, but i have a hunch X = 0. it's the *normal girl* part of the equation that was the real variable.

the other book was called "84, charing cross road". it was a set of letters between a bookseller in england and an american writer. they corresponded for 20 years and never met. not to ruin the read, but the message for me was *life is short*.

it seems so basic and so cliche: life is short. but maybe the answers are always this simple. X=0.

*****

i'm still transcribing my journal. i'm waivering between transcription and censorship. ultimately, i write this for my own record. i have too much in my head to remember it all. i don't want that kind of burden. but, i also know someone else may read it, so do i dare? i'll put it up later.

pictures coming shortly as well.

i arrived in chicago this afternoon to rain. by the time we reached the surface roads by my parents' house, it had turned to rain. how much do i wish i was in costa rica.

i had a GREAT trip. it wasn't incredibly eventful, but it was just what i needed.

i'm not really sure where to start. i wrote a lot during my trip in a little black journal i got a couple years ago in nyc. i'm probably going to transcribe it, and i'll put that somewhere else. not here. i'm too tired to do it tonight, but i will. soon.

i didn't take that many pictures, and i'll probably upload them when i get back to sf. i cannot bear to deal with uploading 50+ jpgs over dialup.

i had to get up really early this morning to catch my flight and had trouble falling asleep last night. i think i was anxious about my return. i'm pretty tired right now, but here's a start ....

i surfed seven days out of ten. of the three days i didn't surf, one day was spent moving from camp to the hotel, another was apparently unsurfable/bad surf according to alvaro, and the last day, i didn't have time to surf before my shuttle to sj.

i slept a lot.

i read a lot.

i took off my watch when i arrived, and i didn't put it back on until the day before i left for sj.

i thought about my life. i thought about nothing.

i had dreams about people i haven't seen in a long time.

i woke up with the sun almost every day.

i was reminded again that life is too short to sweat the small stuff.



more soon ...