upon spencer's recommendation, i did a trail run near land's end. i knew that i had to do something outside, and the tides weren't accomodating. he said that it was one of his favorite trails in the city. it was the trail that made him really love the bay area. he said that the views were spectacular.

getting there was a pain in the ass, as it's 8 miles from my house and the most expedient way is via geary, which is a nightmare on saturdays. however, it was worth it.

i cannot express how glad i am that i did the run today. i ran to china beach, which is down a bit of a hill. luckily there was a bathroom there, as i often find myself in need of one, just as i start exercising. on my way back up the hill, i stopped to look at the ocean. the water was beautiful. the sky was a clear blue. the air was crisp. it was really perfect. i looked up, to my left, and saw a house. it had a dark cedar exterior and a flat roof. it was on the edge of the cliff, and it had a glass enclosed deck. i could see the floor to ceiling windows at the back of the house. it was a house i could imagine myself in.

all of it - the air, the sun, the ocean, the house - brought me to tears. i don't think they were tears of sadness. they weren't tears of happiness, either. i think it was more of a moment of realization that i could really be here, in san francisco. this could be it for me. or maybe it's pms.

this morning, i woke up to full, unabashed sun. i had left the blinds open in my living room, and when i entered, it was the warmest it had felt in days. my thermostat was at it's peak, but it's never accurate anyway.

i'm trying to decide what i want to do with this gift of a day. should i take a hike? maybe a run outside? maybe a drive to the ocean and a walk along the beach? right now i'm still to tired to consider seriously anything really active. i had called rebecca when i got up and she was excited to surf, but the tides were such that we would have had to leave at that very moment, while i was still groggy, before i had my coffee, and completed all of the necessary morning tasks. i suggested dawn patrole tomorrow.

****

dinner with joanne last night was great. she told me about her trip to australia and new zealand. she could not speak highly enough about nz. she only had a chance to go to the south island (i didn't even know that there were two islands), but hopes to return some day so that she can visit the north. like the two coasts of costa rica, the two islands of nz are supposed to be very different.

she talked about the amazingly blue waters and other striking natural beauty of the land, the people, all of whom were friendly and seemed to live a happy and contented life, and the surf. she and her friends tried it in australia and almost all of them rode. there were lots of other details about her trip, each of which made me want to go more and more.

in spite of the fact that jo had been away three weeks, she said that it took three days for the benefit of the vacation to wash away. i was sad to hear it. she came back later than i did, and my vacation has not washed away.

we had similar thoughts while we were away about life and work. joanne, unlike me, had a plan for herself when she was in her 20s. she told me that she thought she would be married and with children by this point. she always knew that she wanted kids. initially it was 5, now she says, ideally it would be 3. she had been dating a really nice guy before grad school and broke up with him about a year and a half after we finished. she had gotten to the point where she realized that she didn't want to marry him, although she seems to be entertaining this thought again.

her work sounds really hellish. she works long hours, and initially it was ok with her, cuz it was her way of dealing with the loss of the relationship. lately, however, she's wanted to reform her social life. hopefully this year will be good for that.

during her trip she thought long and hard about her work, whether it was worth it. i had thought the same things. i told her that i had considered what it would be like to do my hobby for work. what if i was able to surf for a living? would it eventually become work like anything else? she asked me, "if your hobby is work, then what would you do as your hobby?" fortunately for me, i think i'd be able to find something else. i have lots of hobbies.

yesterday, i was talking to another friend of mine with whom i haven't talked to in months. she told me that she has always felt that she needed an identity around a career. i don't know that i agree with her, but it was interesting to hear.

my lifestyle should not be dictated by my work. it should be the opposite, i think. i am fortunate that lately i've been able to live by these words.

on a related note, i've had conversations lately with people who have had pretty solid thoughts about what they'd like their futures to be. i thought, initially, these were gender biased. maybe it's just men who have a clear view of what they want in their futures. however, i realized that gender wasn't a factor. i have a couple of girl friends who know, too. then it made me think, maybe it's just me.

i don't have a clear view of what i want my future to be. i don't think i have, since probably college. growing up, i knew that there were certain goals that i needed to attain - finish high school, finish college, get a job. after i achieved those things, the future became blurry with regard to goals.

i never had a burning desire to have a family. i never had thoughts, until recently, about owning a home. i did know, however, that i wanted to find someone with whom to share my life. however, i am still not sure if that means marriage. sometimes i wonder if people are really meant to be with just one other person for the rest of their lives.

much to the chagrin of my family, i've challenged the *normal* ideas about life, which usually include the aforementioned. maybe it's cuz my sister already has that life, and it's a good one for her. i just don't know if that's something for me.

part of me thinks that the absence of a clear view of the future is an indication of my exceedingly, and perhaps, unheathly ability to accomodate. in as much as i am a planner, an organizer of events for others, i am also an opportunist, in the best way. i know opportunist is sometimes a pejorative term. however, in my situation, i think it means that i just take opportunities as they arise. i gather information, i listen to people, i observe. then i decide what it is that i want to do. this week, i heard about one guy's ultimate goal to return to vermont to live with a wife and family. i heard another guy's hope to live somewhere in the country, maybe petaluma or somewhere with similar access to the city and nature. i found myself thinking, "do i want to do that?" it was almost as if i was hearing them as offers to me. "hey, do you want to have this sort of life with me, cuz that's what i'm thinking of doing?" was what i thought they were saying.

maybe it's more that i know that i can be happy in lots of different situations. i've always considered myself a social chameleon, able to mix with different groups of people and be comfortable within each. however, i've never lived in any truly rural areas. my life has been filled with suburbs and cities, and i have always considered myself *urban*. my time in costa rica challenged this idea. when i was away from the distractions of the city, i did things that i didn't normally choose to do. (i would have said *had time to do*, but as jane reminded me last week, people always have time to do things; it's a matter of setting priorities.) it made me wonder about the other things i would choose to do without the energy of the city calling to me.

i guess i should get outside. i've been sitting here for about 40 minutes now, and it's nearly 12.30. i have probably 4 hours left of good sun time, and i want to take advantage of it.

i'm working from home today. i'm feeling a little guilty about it, but not enough to make me take the drive into work. it's cold and wet out. it's not raining right now, but it feels like the sky could break open at any moment and release a flood.

i'm listening to the cult right now, and it's reminding me of the fu. i just checked their site. they have a couple shows down south, but nothing up here yet. in vain, i checked all of the local venues' sites and they're not listed on any of their calendars yet. i wonder if i'll ever get to see them live up here.

i'm having dinner with joanne tonight. she's going to come over to my place, which will be nice. i haven't seen her in months, and i can't wait to hear about her trip to new zealand and australia. she had considered going to costa rica last year, too. maybe i'll get to australia this year.

****

a friend of mine imed me this morning. i haven't heard from him in a while and i haven't seen him in probably a year. i thought of him last week, as jane and i were driving down to palm springs. he used to be, or still is, a dj, and he had made me a mix tape years ago. i found it last year and it's still great. i think i'm forever stuck in the 80's. actually, i think some of these songs might be from the 90's.

a couple of weeks ago, i had received a christmas card from a mutual friend of ours. i haven't seen her in years. it was nice to hear from her, and i hope to see her soon. i met both of these people years ago, before i moved to sf.

****

last night i was talking to a friend online and he asked me when i was going to compile my blog into a book. i told him that i still have to write about my life pre-blog, pre-4 years ago. i was a very different person back then, before 2000.

he asked me if anything was the same. i replied, "some clothes, some friends, my car." in a lot of ways i've transformed myself. i'm a simplier, more true to myself person than i used to be. some things have remained the same, i'm sure. i'm still as active as i was before, but in a different way. i'm still a helpful person and loyal friend, although i think i'm probably a better friend now than i have been in years. before, my first priority in life was the man in my life. now, it's not. i've found a balance, and in subsequent relationships, i've been careful to retain time and space for myself, as i've found that this is actually better for both people when i'm in a relationship.

in some ways i'm a little afraid to go there ... to revisit and record my life pre-2000. i know i'll do it, sometime. i'm not so much about avoidance anymore. i've already started this a bit, but i need to revisit the writing.

****

a boy i met before i left for costa rica has given me insight into a boy i dated for a while last year and the previous year. although i don't put a lot of stock into astrology, both of these boys are aries, and it seems that they have similar traits. the recent boy has helped me understand things about the previous boy.

i tried to fall asleep this afternoon without success. i had just finished my coffee, and my mind was too active to let my tired body rest. i got up to take a shower so that i could go out for a couple of hours before having dinner with nancy. the shower made me tired, and i considered trying to sleep again. i headed out.

i went to the san francisco shopping centre to return a gift from my sister at jcrew and to spend my nordstrom gift card. i got it for xmas from jim's parents. jin had sent a grey, wool, anorak like jacket that was a little too pocahontos for me. after browsing the jcrew store for a while, i found a hat and got a credit for the remainder of the jacket's value. she had also sent me a great, maroon, longsleeved shirt, which i have worn a couple of times. i would have gotten these shirts in different colors to make up the difference, but something inside won't let me spend $24 on a 100% cotton longsleeve tshirt.

i wandered through the mall like a zombie, looking for brown kneehigh boots and the elusive perfect replacement for my worn handbag. the nordstrom salespeople were so eager to please that it made me even more tired.

around 5, i called nancy and suggested we have dinner earlier than planned. i picked her up and then ate too much at a restaurant near japantown. however, i had my duk gook, and i'm feeling oddly safe.

****

i have heard that you should spend nye doing what you hope to be doing for the rest of the year.

the rain started last night and hasn't stopped. it seems to come down harder and harder. it crashed against the windows and walls of my apartment in the early hours of the morning, conspiring with a couple of what i think were gunshots to keep me from sleep.

i got up not long ago cuz i just couldn't take it anymore. the loud rain plus my rumbling stomach forced me to the kitchen to heat up leftovers from last night. i had indian food.

unlike what i imagined for last night, i actually went out, sort of. i had dinner at rasoi, then hopped down to luna park to say hi to nancy, a friend who i haven't seen in months. it was her birthday, and she was probably 5 drinks ahead of me when i got there. after a couple of bites of cake, i went to a small gathering back in potrero hill with a bunch of people i didn't really know. from there, i hit another party on beale street. monica, a girl i know from the gym, lives on the 16th floor of her building. we had a perfect view of the fireworks at midnight. after a minor, but intense exchange among a testosterone-laden, probably homophobic young man and a few gay men, i left.

needless to say, it was an interesting evening. the crowd was different from my usual one, more *street*. that's probably not an appropriate term for it, but it's the closest thing my tired brain can come up with now.

i talked to one girl for a while. she was the girlfriend of a guy there, and she didn't really know that many other people. she and her boyfriend have been dating for about 4 months. i'm not sure if they met through his cousin, but apparently this woman dated him. i guess the cousin was bad news. anyway, they seemed to be happy together. upon further conversation, she tells me that she's lived in sf for two years. she was in san diego before that, for high school. then she adds that she is 2.5 months pregnant, but that she's going to continue to go to school part time. she is considering education. she loves children and already works with them. i tell her that i used to teach. she seemed very sweet and determined. i hope that it works out for them.

when her boyfriend came around to talk to me, i congratulated him on his impending arrival. he seemed surprised and relieved when i mentioned it. when i saw his initial expression, i started to apologize for mentioning it, but he insisted that it was fine, and that his look was more about her uncertainties about his commitment to her. he left to find her.

it was cool to hang out with them, though, as it reminded me that everyone's got a story, and i learned about some last night.

****

the rain seems to have stopped. maybe it's time to take a nap before going to have duk gook.

i just got back from jane's. she let me borrow a few books, and i started reading the song reader by lisa tucker. i've been thinking about this paragraph since i read it.

Mary Beth told me once it takes guts to go nuts, and he [her father] must have had guts. "Most people," she said, "ignore the wound, put a Band-Aid on it, and forget it. Only the gutsy ones can look right at the blood, stare into the pain, and risk losing their minds to know what's what."

i just got in from a run. i can't remember the last time i've run outside. i used to do quite a bit of it when i lived in the inner sunset. the trail along golden gate park went to the ocean, and i would do that regularly. i didn't appreciate the ocean in the same way i do now. when my knees started to bother me a bit, i ran at kezar stadium. there's a great, bouncy track that i did not find quite as monotonous as some.

today i ran from 20th and 3rd down illinois street to pac bell park, around the stadium, and back to 20th and 3rd down 3rd street. i was optimistic and had thought that i would run back home, uphill, but that didn't happen. i still had a good run.

****

a couple of days ago, i was talking to a friend who said that he thought that people in this city wanted to get to know each other too quickly for his taste. today, i realized that this was probably true. in the conversation over dinner last night, i had learned about a new friend's past, his present, and his desires for the future, with some detail. that's a lot to absorb in an hour and a half.

i'm going to start lingering more, even more than i do now, in the present and slow down the learning process a bit.

in the past four years i've learned a lot, probably more than i have in the previous 8 or 10 years. i don't think it's bad. i'm not making a judgement at all. i just think it's probably worth exploring how it is to slow it down.

i can tell that i've already started to do this, and i've been happy with the results so far.

it's the last day of 2003, and expectedly, i'm reviewing, and have been reviewing in recent weeks, the year.

last night at dinner with william, he said that it sounded like 2003 was a year of firsts for me. he was right. things i tried for the first time, committed to, came back to:

1. surfing (committed)
2. skateboarding (tried)
3. snowboarding (tried)
4. violin (returned to)
5. rock climbing (tried and committed)
6. yoga (tried and committed)
7. boxing (returned to)
8. ceramics (committed)
9. blogging (tried and committed)

the last thing i hope to try before the end of 2003 is meditation.

****

my horoscope:
Do not concern yourself with absorbing more, simply concentrate on what you already have, Jee. Work with whatever resonates within you. You instinctively know what works and what does not. Don't waste your time with meaningless issues, and focus on priorities. The more balanced and stable you can be with your emotions today, the more prosperity will enter your life in the long run.

Focus on your finances today and keep tabs on your personal resources. The Moon's powerful alignment marks a Lunar event in which you have the opportunity to set a course of action, and to establish a new set of habits in the area of finances. Make a budget and stick to it. Make an honest assessment of your financial situation, and maintain a healthy balance of indulgence versus discipline.

although i don't believe in horoscopes, its striking when, coincidentally, it's spot on. i haven't really made any ny resolutions. i have, however, thought about what i could cut from my life. i don't think i have time to continue with the activites/hobbies i've had in the past year, as well as integrate more time to read, sleep, and be alone. the importance of the last three activities has become abundantly clear to me during the second half of the year.

during the last few months, i've also been thinking more about the possiblity of owning a place here. i haven't done much investigation of this, but i know that it will probably mean a change in lifestyle and spending. the good news is that i no longer consider homeowning an emotional issue related to a *commitment* to a location.

i'll do the work on this next year.

****

a friend of mine was telling me the other night about how she recently responded to an ad on craigslist. she's single and wants a relationship. she, like many of us, are tired of *dating* and would like to find someone who wants to be in a relationship.

on a slow friday afternoon, she responded, ironically, to an ad that said something to the effect of, "tired of looking for a relationship, now in search of lust." after a few email exchanges, it turns out they have a lot of similar interests, such as surfing, design, and mid-century furniture. they're planning to meet on friday. i can't wait to get the update.

stories like this make me happy. it reminds me that life is unpredictable. things aren't always as they appear. it encourages me to continue to take risks, to reach out and meet new people.

i took a little art break today with jane p. it was great to see her. i don't think i've seen her since jane's bday.

we wanted to see the degas exhibit at the legion of honor, and it's leaving in a few weeks. the added incentive to go today is that it's free on tuesdays. we spent $4 on the admission to the degas exhibit.

it was surprisingly clear in the richmond. after we looked at, walked around, and read about the 72 sculptures, we stood at the edge of the parking lot and looked at the water and what i think were the marin headlands. it was sunny and crisp, and i was glad that we had decided to meet.

jane's still a newish friend of mine, but i feel connected to her. i hope to see her with more frequency in years to come.

****

i called my mom today to tell her that i had received zoe's letter. the first thing my mom said was, "i didn't tell her to write that. i know you think i did, but i didn't. don't be mad."

where does my neice get this?

i actually think it's cuz she was a flower girl last year in the wedding of one of my sister's friends. zoe is a girly girl, and i think she was thrilled by the idea of dressing up, being watched as she walked down the aisle with her little bouquet. maybe she'll grow out of her pink phase, but for some reason i think it's unlikely. it's hard to believe that we're related.

****

if i was going to go to a big nye thing, it would be this one. i'm a sucker for 80's music.

the first time i looked at the clock this morning it was 6.44am. it was actually earlier, since my clock is fast. i went to bed after midnight and i knew that i would be tired if i got up at that point. i stayed in bed. i think the gardeners were in the back of my apartment, cuz around 7.30, i heard blazing saws.

i hadn't planned to stay up as long as i had the previous night. i got into a phone conversation, which was fraught with miscommunication and also plagued with inconsistent cell phone reception. mix a little pms and it's a ripe for disaster.

it all ended fine.

the person i was talking to reminded me of something important. i generally know it and practice it, but i guess i had been spacey lately. he said something to the effect of:

i don't control how you feel. if you're freaking out about something that's your choice to go there and behave/feel that way.

i don't always think this is true, but i agree with the general premise. for instance, if someone makes me sad, i can:
1. be passive aggressive about it and hint at my sadness without ever saying anything directly.

2. be open about the way i feel and explain it to the other person.

3. not say anything and let it pass.

clearly there are other ways to deal with this situation, and all of them will have slightly different effects on me and the other person involved. it's my choice to decide how i deal with the situation.

however, this is not to say that i'm not affected by other people. i definitely am.... probably too much.... but i'm getting better at this.

****

i subscribe to daily candy and today i got this. i'm not sure i'm girly enough for them, but i'm posting it for all my pink and pony loving readers.

****

i had really strange dreams last night.

my mom was taking me to the airport. i was going to go to nyc, but a series of events kept me from making my flight. i was rummaging through my wallet to find the eticket. ivan, a guy i met last week, and i think some other guys i knew from mit, showed up in the same parking lot. i guess his office was there. i asked him if there was a computer in the building cuz i had to print out another copy of the eticket. it was 7.20ish in my dream.

i went into the building with my mom, and in the office sat this woman who i haven't seen in probably 10 years. she was the owner/manager of the gym i used to go to when i lived in nj. there wasn't a computer, but there was a fish market.

this was handy cuz i had to get sashimi grade ahi tuna. i guess souris and silvio had requested it, and i got a huge chunk. while we were at the fish market, my mother decided that she wanted some, too, and wanted to get it sliced. i insisted that we didn't have time, so they hermetically sealed the ahi for us. it was 7.30ish.

we finally left, headed to what i thought was the airport. it looked more like a sanitorium or hospital. we looked for the gate, but it was no where to be found. the number of the flight was not the right one, or something, and we were running up and down the floors in search of the plane. when i looked at the clock, it said 7.51pm. my flight was scheduled for 7.47pm.

****

there's a lot of noise in my head today.

i got two unexpected pieces of mail today. the first was a christmas card from an exboyfriend and his wife, telling me to make sure to let them know if i was ever in their part of the country.

the second piece was from my neice. i knew something was coming, as she asked me yesterday if i had gotten her letter. when i opened it up, there was a big red star on it. i expected the holiday wishes that have been the usual topic of the seasonal mail i've received. however, in her 5 year old script, she wrote:

dear emo [korean word for aunt]
i want to be your flowergirl for your wedding
thank you

i'm going to have to talk to my sister.

****

rebecca and i had a relatively painless visit to ikea. $169 later, i have a bunch of stuff that i hope i will use. if not, i have 45 days to return or exchange.

****

my standing tuesday meetings have been cancelled. i'm wfh tomorrow.

my chest has been cracking for a while. i'll stretch it, and it cracks. i think it was the combination of boxing and surfing. since i've been back from the desert, it hasn't cracked.

i just got back from the gym. i had a good run, a good sweat. sweating always gives me perspective.

i'm going to pick up rebecca at the caltrain and then we're going to ikea. it seemed like a good idea earlier this afternoon. now it seems like a crack pot one. maybe it'll be fine.

****

i just realized that i probably cannot work from home tomorrow. i think i have meetings. maybe not. maybe i'll wfh and take and art break at the legion of honor.

someone once told me that as you get older, it gets harder to sleep late. i think this might be the case for me. this morning, like others recently, i woke up without the aid of an alarm clock or even the sun's rays. i tried to fall asleep again, but to no avail. i got up, made coffee, and turned on the computer.

last night, i had some trouble falling asleep. i finished reading the girls' guide to hunting and fishing before i went to bed. i liked it. i identified with some of the stories in it. there is a main character, of which the stories surround. her name is jane. the stories describe various relationships she has with men and the successes and failures of the same.

there were a few lines that i thought were particularly striking.

from page 75: the only way for a woman, as for a man, to know herself as a person, is by creative work of her own. - from the feminine mystique by betty friedan

from page 222: after a while, though, it occurs to you that even a perfect understanding of a failed love is the booby prize.

****

last night at dinner, we were talking about relationships, while watching a show that sunhee had tivo-ed on internet dating. amusing.

the one thing that sunhee and i did agree upon though is that it's important for the guy to think he won the lottery with you. of course, in the ideal world, the relationship would be balanced, but that's rarely the case.

****

my mom just called to see if i returned safely. she put my neice on the phone and we talked for a few min. she said she would come to california if her mommy and daddy did, and that maybe grandma and grandpa could come, too. she is getting so old now; i can actually have a conversation with her.

in the middle of it, i started to get teary and all of a sudden i missed my family intensely. mom asked me why my voice sounded different after zoe passed the phone back to her.

maybe it's' the rain.

i just got home from dinner at sunhee's. i knew cynthia would be there, but maria was, too. i had met maria before a couple of times, but tonight was the first time i really got to talk to her. she owns the red dot outlet, of which i am a big fan.

it was fun to have dinner with the girls tonight, a different group of girls with whom i have not spent enough time. i will have to see them again soon. i may have a dinner at my house with the three from tonight. maybe i'll make my crab dish. it's really the crustacean dish, but i modify it a bit to make it a little easier and less alcholic.

the chenin blanc - viognier was a big hit.

****

i have to work tomorrow. it should be quiet, though, since it's still the holidays. i do have a few things to do before wednesday, but it's ok.

the rain has started and they are predicting that it will last until tuesday morning. great.

sometimes i think i am seasonally depressed. i'm not depressed right now, but i know that the weather definitely affects me. i didn't mind the rain in the desert, though, so maybe i'm not.

i'm going over to sunhee's for dinner. it's a last minute thing, but i just bought a pine ridge chenin blanc-viognier that i got with her in mind. i'm bringing it to dinner. it will be nice to catch up with her and cynthia.

i got up early today with the intention of going to yoga, running, or doing some form of exercise. i haven't done any of those things yet. i ran some errands, but didn't do them all, did a little shopping, called rebecca, and had lunch with her and scott at taqueria can cun on mission.

i had considered surfing today, but it's cold. rebecca's going later this afternoon before it starts to rain. she's a braver soul than i.

i'm going to pick up kat from the airport shortly and then i'm not sure what i'll do this afternoon. i suppose i'll wait for my food to digest and then do something active. i think i get a little cranky when i don't get to sweat for a few days.

****

jane uploaded her pics from the trip. she took a lot more than i did and of different things. some of them are pretty funny.

****

i have been thinking about new years resolutions. i asked jane if she made any, and she said that she generally didn't cuz she doesn't have many vices. i told her that she's just very productive.

i guess i don't really make resolutions either. last year, there were a few things that i wanted to do this year, and i think i've done them all. i guess my resolutions are more about the process of thinking about what i'd like to do instead of the motivation needed to accomplish those things.

i haven't yet decided what those things will be yet.

****

i finished an underachiever's diary while i was away. it was entertaining, as expected, but it was also surprisingly insightful towards the end.

he exerpts from his theory about underachieving:

1. alone in an age of increasing competition and diminished possibilities, the underachiever, when faced with doing battle, will forfeit rather than draw blood in the modern arena. he is powerless, and deliberately weak.

2. the underachiever is misanthropic by default. he will use negativity as his greatest weapon, and reserves the right to criticize all that is exalted in both secular and religious society. he lives at a calculated distance from the mainstream, longing secretly to be included, while at the same time voicing his contempt for those who play by the rules, that is achievers of the garden variety, and especially his nemesis, the overachiever.

3. rather than saying "yes, yes" to life, the underachiever will say "no, thank you." if pressed, he will turn belligerant.

4. underachievers are not to be confused with younger, slower brothers of southern presidents, like billy carter, and roger clinton. these gentlemen do the best with whatever leftovers they've been given, while the underachiever is entrusted with a master key to opportunity's home office, and misplaces it.

5. if the underachiever were a mixed drink, he would be a dry martini, one part obscurity (vermouth), three parts unhappiness (gin).

clive, the underachiever in the book, actually has 107 items in his list.

time to get kat.