i went to pacifica today. i hadn't been in the water since santa cruz. i got the first wave i paddled for. unfortunately, it was my only wave. it's ok, though. at least i got a good ride; any others would have been icing on the cake.

the water was beautiful today. glassy. maybe i'll go out again tomorrow. i have to get some gloves, though, as my hands are particularly sensitive to the cold water. i would have stayed out longer to try to get more waves, but my arms were achy from boxing and yoga and my fingers could no longer stay together to make paddling efficient.

there was a guy in the water with us who had a big yellow board. as we were both finishing up, i realized his board split in two. he has a pope bisect. it's easier to travel with as it comes apart into two main pieces and a shaft that attaches the two halves. very cool. apparently, it's the same company that made the suitcase surfboard for the original endless summer movie.

i'm not sure what i'm doing tonight. maybe dinner with sunhee and maria at maya. maybe home. i'll decide after my shower.

i just got out of the shower. i've been loving the shower a lot more than usual. i think it's cuz it's been so damn cold outside and in my apartment i should add. maybe it reminds me of the water at the spa in desert hot springs. maybe it reminds me of the waters in costa rica. maybe it's just that i like feeling the water on me.

i worked until a little after 7 and then hit the gym. it was pretty empty, to be expected. i was surprised at how tight my hamstrings were after my run. maybe i di one too many downward dogs yesterday.

hopefully i won't be sore tomorrow. i want to get into the water. it's supposed to rain on sunday, but the weather is always so unpredictable. melissa and i talked about going tomorrow. it will be nice to see her. i can't remember the last time we hung out. she recently got a car rack for her surfboard. mel started surfing before i did. she and tina went to a camp in sayulita last february, i think.

****

last night i was having a conversation with a friend from work. he asked me if i thought that it was important to have a little struggle in your life. i told him that it was important to have experienced it and to remember what it felt like, so that you could empathize with others who are going through it as well as appreciate your life when it was free of struggle. i felt pretty good about my answer. i realized later that night, that life to a certain degree always has a bit of struggle.

sex, in some ways, is like a struggle. the guy is generally struggling not to come. the girl is generally struggling to come. interesting. i had never thought about it like that before, but i guess it is just that. a balance, a give and take, a yin and yang. i can't believe i just wrote that, but it seems appropriate in this context. anyway, just my little epiphany for the night.

****

in a different conversation last night, i was faced with a new question. i wasn't asked by the other person. it was more that i asked myself, can i be attracted to someone with such an intensity that i think that there's more, when it's just physical?

i don't think i've experienced that kind of chemistry with someone until now. it's kind of frightening, cuz i know that i have certain tendencies. i can lose myself pretty easily. i can make it all about the other person. i've done that before, and although i haven't done it in a long time, and i think i've changed since that experience, part of me wonders if it's in me. if in the right circumstances, with the right person, it will surface, and that scares me somewhat.

when it happened years ago, i thought i loved that person. i'm pretty sure i did, if love means that you put that person first and are willing to do pretty much anything for that person. or maybe that's just stupidity. this is different, cuz i don't know the person well enough to say that i *love* him. at best, i like what i know about him so far, and want to get to know him better.

luckily, i'm not bitter about relationships or unwilling to have them. it's been quite the contrary. i've been as willing to meet new people and have relationships as i ever have. i have had several since then, and they have been varied. i think the difference is that i'm more aware of myself, and i preserve time for myself now. i've come to understand that it's essential for a healthy relationship.

****

next week i have two medical appointments. the first is a follow up from something that i became aware of last year at about this time. i was in kauai, and i had just gotten to the beach. it took me all of 40 min to get off the plane, drop my stuff off in kapa'a, and hit the beach. about 10 minutes into my worship of the sun, i got a call. it was kaiser. i had an irregular pap smear. yikes. what does that mean? what's irregular? how serious is that?

luckily, i had gone to visit rick, who is an orthopedic surgeon and was helping one of his former residents while one of the regular surgeons was out for his own surgery. the former resident, david, was married to another doctor, an ob/gyn, so over dinner that evening with david, rick, and david's son, sasha, we discussed my irregular pap smear. quite the conversation to have with someone i had just met.

anyway, i went in to see someone later that week, and he allayed my fears. i was glad that i did, but it still sucked that it happened during a holiday. anyway, since then, i've been asked to return every 6 mo to check that my pap smears are regular. the last one was fine, so i'm not worried about it. i had actually forgotten that it was even something that i had to do. luckily, kaiser didn't.

the second appointment is probably just as heavy if not heavier than the first. i'm going to have an hiv test. it's the second one i've had in my life. as i was making the appointment, the girl on the phone, who was clearly younger than me as she used "like" a lot as a segue between thoughts and tone of voice that connoted youth, asked me some questions to get information for funding purposes.

g: was this my first test?
me: no.

g: when was my last test.
me: uhm... last july? no, it had to be july of 2002.

this brought back a lot of memories. i didn't realize it had been that long. i had taken it right before i started dating nate, and i had forgotten that i was in 2002. wow. it seems like forever ago now.

g: how many people have you slept with since your last test?
me: uhm ... three? yes, three.

at this point i thought that maybe i would be considered promiscuous. it struck me that the thought entered my mind. i was a little embarrassed by it, actually, in spite of the fact that each of the people i had slept with were monogamous relationships.

of course, i realized later that evening that i was wrong. it was four. as i'm writing this, i'm considering that maybe this is too much information to put on a public journal. if i was a guy would i feel the same?

g: all male?
me: since the last test?

g: yes, since the last test.
me: yes.

i'm not worried about taking the test. i'm not afraid of the results, and i didn't worry about it the first time i took it. i knew that there was nothing i could do about it then, just as is the case now. if i'm meant to have hiv, in spite of taking precautions, then i accept that.

i got this email from souris today:

friends and family,

i have been selected to compete in 'The Shortest Race'.
an honest magazine / nike production.
i would appreciate your supporting me in this event.
signs and yelling will help me out.
ex-cheerleader friends, please get your outfits dusted cause i need you on the sideline!

a+
souris/lanha

917.XXX.XXXX cell

HONEST is shooting a short film documenting a competition of 20 people as they try to win a race that is, from start to finish, 39.9 inches = the Shortest Race. The concept is the best part of a race is the beginning and end, so we took out the middle (boring part). By doing this we've eliminated most of the athletic aspect of a race. We hope to document through interviews and footage, peoples strategy - flopping over the line, falling, hopping, lunge,....

==============================

Friday, January 16th, 2004
9:00 PM - 1:00 AM (estimated)

The Armory Foundation
216 Fort Washington Avenue
New York, NY 10032
(212) 923-1803 | Fax (212) 923-1645

DIRECTIONS BY SUBWAY

A,1or 9trains to 168th Street , then walk
one block west to Fort Washington Ave.



==============================

As you see above, we are shooting this race at night, so make sure that you get a little nap before hand (kind of kidding, kind of not). We wouldn't want anyone to be too exhausted to race. Hopefully we will finish before 3:00am, but that will be the latest that we will go. We will be shooting this indoors, so weather will not be a factor.

Please bring as many friends / supporters / cheerleaders as you can. These people will be in the movie as fans in the bleachers. They do not have to
sign the attached documents. If they want to bring signs with your name on it, or any other type of 'cheering paraphernalia', that would be welcomed.
And if they can only come for a few hours that is fine too.

Bring your own food / drink.

A competitor finishes the race when the chest of the runner breaks the plane
of the finish line. No other body part will be considered, when determining results

// posted by jee @ 4:54:00 PM

i have felt really out of whack this week. today's friday, but it doesn't really feel like the weekend is upon me. maybe it's cuz i will probably have to do some catch up work over the weekend. i've been trying hard not to do work on the weekend, as it seems to make monday more tolerable. however, with my headaches and low productivity, it might be unavoidable.

last night, i got into bed at 10. i finished the song reader. i liked it, but i needed more from the ending. i started "living by zen", which was probably not a good thing to do. i was already tired by the time i opened it, and it is a book that requires all of my attention. i only read a few pages, and i kept thinking that i was reading the sentences incorrectly. my brain is too tired to think of a good example of this right now, but some of the sentences seem to be contradictory. they're really not, but when you're tired, they don't make any sense at all. i'll really start reading it this weekend.

i'm planning to be at work pretty late today, and if i have the energy, i'll go to the gym. i'll go home. i'll shower. get into bed. read. quite the exciting friday night i have planned, but it sounds perfect to me.

this month is going to be crazy from a social perspective starting next week, so i have to appreciate this slow weekend.

i left work early today. traci and i went to yoga at lunch, which had temporary good effects. i think sitting in a building with no circulation does not help my situation. i thought i would get a sweat in tonight to see if that helped. i'm not sure if it did.

i'm going to try to do some work tonight. it is piling up, although i bought myself some time today.

i am not going to see the almera or bozic shows tonight. i will have to make an effort to see them another time.

at least tomorrow is friday and i don't have any plans this weekend except on sunday night. matte, ande, todd, and i are going to have dinner together. dine about town is upon sf again, and we did one last year. it should be fun.

i got one of the books i ordered today. it's called living by zen. it sounds hokey, but we'll see if it helps me gain some enlightenment. everyone could use a bit, or a lot of that.

i wish i could have stayed in bed today.
i wish i did not still feel like crap.
i wish that i did not have so much work to do.
i wish i had remembered to play the lottery yesterday.
i wish the gallery openings weren't tonight.

my head has been cloudy all day. in a brief im conversation, my sister suggested that maybe i'm dehydrated or temporarily iron deficient. could be.

i've been able to do just a little bit of work. it's been stressing me out to consider the amount of work i have to do. i'm not totally stressed, but just enough. i don't want to work over the weekend, but i have a feeling that i will.

being cloudy also makes me feel guilty for not being productive. i guess people are right about me; i need to be doing something. maybe it's just today. since i couldn't do any work that required thought, i decided to do my laundry. it's been piling up in my room. generally, i've been annoyed with the state of my room. sometimes i think that i'll never learn to be a more tidy person. i know i like things when they are put away, in the proper place, but i can't seem to keep things there.

in spite of being cloudy, my mind is all over the place, or maybe that's what it means to be cloudy: unfocussed. i have been thinking a lot about this buying a house thing and wondering why it is that i've become fixated on it.

certainly, there are benefits to owning property, but is that really it? i have a feeling that it has more to do with my desire to take the next step. since i am obviously only in control of myself, i can't really do anything about the fact that i'm not in a long term relationship with a life partner. i know i wouldn't have kids without a partner. i don't even know if i want kids at all. i need to think more about my motivations, or to think less, and just let it happen as it will.

i'm sick at home today. i'm going to try to do some work from my bed. i don't feel that crummy, but just not quite right.

courtesy of roq la rue gallery

this from robin, via justin.

i laid down around 7 with the intention of sleeping for a couple of hours. i couldn't do it. around 7.30, i got a call on my cell phone. wrong number.

my mind was cluttered. designs for two different projects at work. goals to save money this year towards a down payment on a place of my own. ideas for jane's birthday party/karaoke fest. my unsettled stomach.

i just got up.

i'm making some food now, in spite of not really being that hungry. i'm sipping a small glass of wine, hoping that will settle my mind and my stomach.

my chest aches from the 3 sets of 15 pushups that i did yesterday after my lame run at the gym.

maybe i'll become a firefighter. i actually did some investigation last weekend. one of patrick's friends is a firefighter at the station right by my house. she's also a mother of two. i think she and i have the same salary. she works 2 or 3 24-hr shifts. of course she risks her life everyday, but i guess, so do i on my commute.

the last couple days have been particularly rough on the 101s. monday, a guy swerved into me, avoiding a woman who swerved into his lane. yesterday, something similar happened, but not quite as dramatic. i need to reconsider my commute.

last night was the beginning of a new ceramics session. i picked up this piece that i made for my mom.



more pics of this piece

originally, it was supposed to be for christmas, but it wasn't ready in time. i'm really happy with it, in spite of the fact that it is smaller than i expected. i thought she might be able to use it on the stove, but i don't think it will be very useful to her in this way.

i'm looking forward to seeing how the other pieces i glazed last night turn out. i was also able to throw a couple of pieces.

i don't normally get them, but i've had one, off and on, for the past couple of days. i think i need to sleep more, although i've slept quite a bit since last week.

it feels cold enough that it could snow.

i have a lot of work to do this week. i hope i'm not coming down with something.

i woke up this morning to my alarm and then fell right back asleep. i got up about an hour later. i didn't want to. i don't feel 100% this morning. i wish i didn't have to go to work, but i guess i have to go, as i have a meeting and ceramics later. ugh.

i had dinner with patrick and dave last night. it was delicious and fun. hopefully i'll see them more this year.

at least the sun is shining.

i just got in from a dinner at patrick's. dave, patrick, and i had a delicious meal. i ate way too much. patrick is one of those people who can convince you of anything, and tonight, he convinced me that i was not too full to have that third cookie for dessert.

he made a delicious garlic crab dish, with noodles and bok choy. dessert was fresh cookies and ice cream. he somehow thought that we needed some godiva chocolates and port, too. i ate it all. now i feel like i am going to explode.

it was great to catch up with him and dave, as we didn't really get the chance during his holiday dinner. we exchanged nye stories and resolutions. his is to "enjoy life more and work less." amen.

i got up with my alarm today in spite of wanting to stay in bed. i was planning to surf today before matte and ande's brunch, but nature is against me today. i just opened the window and it's cold outside. no surpise.

i've been researching the surf in australia. apparently byron bay is good for longboarding. i also took a look at fiji. there's a 2 week trip, which includes airfare for about $3400 a person. it sounds like it's a honeymoon package, though. i guess i have some time to think about it. i had forgotten that i used a lot of my miles to go to costa rica, so i'll have to see if american flies to sydney.

it would be great to take three weeks there: 10 days of surf in australia and 10 days in nz. i think this will impact my ability to take a short trip each quarter to warm waters, but i think it will be worth it. i really hope i can make this happen.

i just checked to see which day of the week xmas falls on in 2004. it's a saturday. i wonder if we'll get the 23rd off instead. hmmm.....

****

i stayed in last night. i made dinner and then watched american beauty for probably the 7th time. it's one of the few movies i have on dvd. it's one of my favorite films. after the movie, i continued reading the song reader. i fell asleep around midnight. it was a perfect night.