i think i'm done with my work. i basically worked for 12 hours today. yikes. i'm sure these documents are longer than they need to be, but oh well. i'll read them again tomorrow.

*****

so i am meditating tomorrow at 10am. i thought there was more i had to do to prepare for it, but apparently, all i'm supposed to do is think good thoughts before i go to bed, have an empty stomach, and hopefully an empty mind. we'll see what that gets me tomorrow.

on friday, some time around my hiv test, i had a kind of morbid thought. what if i was positive? i decided that if i was positive, i would exercise all of my options, sell all my stock, and take off for a while. there was no question.

then i started to think about it some more. why would something like this have to happen only if i was hiv positive? what's keeping me from doing this now? a sense of responsibilty? lack of desire? fear? what's to say that this isn't the right thing to do? is there really a *wrong* anyway?

got the link to this interview with mike mills from lanha.

i haven't dreamt in a while, but last night i had dreams about the telephone. i've had the same kind of dreams before, and they always involve not being able to make a call. this time, i was trying to get in touch with nancy, and it was impossible. i kept trying to call her number and either dialing the wrong one. it was incredibly frustrating. usually, the phones in past dreams have been rotary phones, but this time, they were cell or other digital phones. strange.

****

i stayed up later than expected last night. i got home early enough to get into bed at a reasonable hour, but then chatted online with willo. it was nice to catch up with her. we talked about how when i had my accident years ago, it was definitely a sign; life forcing me to slow down. it gave me time to think about my life and evaluate.

she's going to san diego in a few weeks with rick, and i told her i would send her some suggestions for the weekend. i scanned my past entries to find the ones related to my trips to san diego. after a while, i found them eventually. i read through them. i was happy that weekend. i had had a great time down there, and i'm glad that i documented it in such detail.

*****

i'm still waking up. drinking my coffee. clearing my head. listening to mozart. although i don't need the distraction, i just checked surfline. it looks like today could be a good surf day. i have to see how my work goes before i can take off to surf. i have so much work to do this weekend. it's a little intimidating. ugh.

my shoulders are achy, though, so maybe i should just run instead. it's from the yoga, i think. all of those downward dogs and vinyasas.

*****

last night before i went to bed, i read a few more pages of my living in zen book. i read some more about achieving satori, enlightenment. what a great word *satori*. the thing that i have to remember in all of this is that zen is based on contradictions and giving up concepts that i've created to understand things about this life, this reality, which is not real. sounds complicated. sounds difficult.

reading also made me think of my past relationships, and how some of the people i had been with were probably living with zen to a certain degree. at least they said things to me that i remembered last night, which suggested this to me. i guess it's not important, but it's interesting to me how at this point in my life, i'm more open to the thoughts than i have in the past. although i think, in my own way, i've already had this attitude.

*****

in yesterday's nytimes i read about people who are taking meditative vacations. it was interesting, cuz it seems that there are a growing number of people who are vacationing at ashrams and other spiritual locations instead of doing the usual trip to cabo or whereever. people are looking inward, being silent, freeing themselves from distractions, and challenging their minds, bodies, and spirits.

coincidentally, alan just told me the other night that he had been to palm springs for a detoxification at one of the spas mentioned in the article. it's called the we care spa. kat told me that they're somehow related to burning man.

i don't know that i have to do something as extreme as that. vacationing on my own might do the same thing. however, there may be something to being a part of a group that is all pursuing the same endeavor, even if you're not discussing it with anyone else. maybe there's an energy that is passed among people in that situation.

i guess i'll just have to see how the meditation goes for a while to see if i find it beneficial. it's supposed to take a few months to see the benefit, which is fine. anything that requires practice takes a while to bear fruit.

*****

i'm feeling kind of complicated about a couple of emails i've received lately. they haven't been preoccupying me. i believe that the sender had the best intentions, however, i'm not reacting to them well. i feel defensive, annoyed even, and i don't like feeling that way. i'm not sure why those are my reactions. the only thing i can think is that it's cuz they seems indicative of the way he was with me in person, in the past. i had felt that he thought he knew everything, and especially about me. i didn't agree. i didn't think he spent enough time to know me. there are a lot of things about me that are not revealed without a lot of time together.

i guess his emails just reinforced the arrogance i had felt before. maybe arrogance isn't the right word. i can't find an appropriate descriptor right now. maybe it's just another example of our inability to communicate effectively with each other.

i guess i don't understand why he emailed me. he said that he didn't need to be my friend. ok, i guess i understand why he emailed me. i've helped people even when i am not friends with them. usually this has been in response to a request, but there have been times that i've just offered my help, unsolicited. however, it's usually been with people who want to be my friend, and i'm the one who doesn't want that.

as i'm writing this, i just need to let it go. just take it for what it is, not any more, not any less.

it's just after 10, and i'm home for the night. matte, ande, and i had a fun, delicious dinner at roy's. rebecca didn't join us, but i'm glad she didn't. she had much better plans. she's headed to tahoe for the night with a couple of friends. tomorrow, they're going to the sundance film fest from reno for the weekend. maybe she'll meet up with her email correspondent from craigslist. i'm anxiously awaiting the update.

i love that she's doing this last minute trip, and i'm so glad that she sounds better than yesterday.

*****

on the way home, we talked about if we could *check out* from life. what if we exercised all our options, sold our stock, and quit? how would that be? what a fantasy. what courage that would take. i don't know that i have it. maybe it's just fallow.

it's amazing how open you can be with someone you've never met. i just got in from taking my rapid results hiv test. they take a blood sample from your finger and test it for the same antibodies that the other test does. i'm not sure how it works, but it does the same job, with the same accuracy level, but in a shorter period of time. you get results in 20 min vs. seven days.

my number was 8, which is coincidentally my lucky number. i was greeted by a young woman with multiple piercings (two in her nose, same nostril and one in her tongue), who i guessed is a lesbian. she gave me the 2 minute summary of the procedure and then took me to the lab. there was another guy in the lab taking the test, too, and he seemed a little surprised that we would be in the lab at the same time. i guess i was a little surprised, too. i mean, it's an anonymous test, but the city is small and maybe some people would feel uncomfortable even being there? who knows.

anyway, after the woman in the lab took my blood, i returned to the room with the younger woman and we talked. why was i taking the test? what was my sexual history? blah blah. i would guess that i was probably chattier than most. i don't know why i was so talkative. maybe it's cuz i have been working from home and haven't really talked to anyone verbally. maybe there's something about talking to someone about sex, an interesting topic in and of itself, when it's completely anonymous and non-judgemental.

she said that i didn't seem nervous and that my attitude seemed healthy. i mean, why worry about something you can't do anything about now.

needless to say, my test was negative.

on my way out, i saw a jar of condoms. there was a sign on it. "limit 3."

****

today's my mom's birthday. she really liked the piece i made for her. she and jin thought it was very *professional* looking. i'm glad she likes it. they're going to have dinner tonight and cake at home. i'm sure zoe will love that.

****

today is also the birthday of a girl i used to know years ago.... in my previous life. we don't talk anymore. we haven't talked for four years. i lost her in the divorce. i guess it was for the best, but i learned a lot from that relationship.

i got in from talking with rebecca a couple of hours ago, and i started in on my work. i'm glad i went out for a bit with her. it seemed like she needed to talk, and i was happy to be supportive.

it's amazing to me that i can be positive about something that also clearly concerns me. tonight's discussion, like many others in the recent past with a variety of participants, was around the question "when will i meet *him*." oh lordy. it's the question of the year it seems for me and my girlfriends.

in spite of having my moments of panic, i'm not fazed by it, and i was surprisingly optimistic tonight. (one of) my mantra(s) for the year: slow it down; it will happen in time.

i drove down my hill towards south park, and the city skyline made me smile. it made me feel lucky to live here, to have a car in which to drive down the hill, and to be able to see it.

as i drove rebecca home, i told her this. then, i talked about that amazing run i had on jan 2 to china beach. i told her to surf more. it makes both of us so happy to do it, even when the waves aren't very nice to us, or when our heads are somewhere else and it's hard to get up on even the most rideable waves.

it's the little things. it's all about the little things. she knows that. i know that. we just have to remember it.

*****

clearly, i'm not going to get the work done that is due tomorrow. i wrote the "i'm going to be late with this spec" email. i don't know that i've written one before. i feel badly about it, as i know that part of it was due to my lack of organization. although there were things that came up at the last minute this week, i probably had enough time to get it done. i just underestimated the time i would need. i've also been giving myself more time at the gym and more time in bed than usual. i guess something has to give, and in this case it's work.

i'm ok with working this weekend, though. i kind of feel like i deserve it. must be catholic guilt or unrealistic korean work ethics.

****

pictures from jane's party

well, it's almost 9 and there hasn't been much serendipity in my life today. it wasn't a bad day by any means. i worked for a bit at home and then headed in for yoga at lunch. yoga was good. i'm so glad that traci and i are doing that. the afternoon flew by and i still have a lot of work ahead of me, unfortunately.

i thought i was going to get up early tomorrow to begin my meditation practice, but this has been moved to sunday. i think this is for the best, as i'm not sure how much sleep i will get tonight.

i was going to go to the big foot lodge with rebecca tonight for an aiga networking thing. however, work and our states of mind got in the way. i guess there's always next month. i didn't really feel like hauling up to russian hill anyway.

tomorrow, i'm working from home so i can attend to my two medical appointments. i'm looking forward to dinner with ande and matte tomorrow night at roy's. the dine about town menu looks pretty good.

maybe i'll go to the zen center on saturday morning, as i had considered. it might be good to get a different perspective on it.

i know this weekend will be full of work, however. hopefully i will have time to surf, as well.

before i hit my work for the night, i'm going to have a drink with rebecca. it sounds like she needs one, not that i don't, but ...

serendipity \ser-uhn-DIP-uh-tee\, noun:
The faculty or phenomenon of making fortunate accidental
discoveries.

this is one of my favorite words. it's got to be a good day.

i just got in from the mint. i hit the second half of jane's birthday party. it was fun. although i didn't sing, i was an active audience participant.

kat brought the house down with her rendition of "can't we be friends." i also enjoyed jesse's "psychokiller" duet, and jonas's "take on me".

so much for coming home within an hour and getting work done. i guess there's always tomorrow, and i guess it's just work.

*****

i'm in REMARKABLY good spirits tonight. i had a great workout. i felt strong. on the drive home, i thought about how fortunate i am and how happy i was. goofy, but true, and i'm not going to question it. you have to appreciate days like this.

i just found out about the new book about muhammad ali, goat, greatest of all time. read more about it here.

i welcome contributions to the get-jee-a-goat-fund.

****

happy birthday to jane!

today, i received three things in the mail:
1. outkast's latest cd
2. an introduction to zen buddhism by suzuki
3. pair of brown knee high boots from nordstrom.

1. i think outkast is my new favorite group. i only got through most of the first cd, and i already love it. my geeky self loves the fact that they use the bach double for violins on track 11 -- i don't know what the name of the song is cuz i left the cd case at work. when it first came on, i thought, "OH MY GOD! i have played this!" even better is that the rest of the song is clever.

i didn't realize which piece it was until i got home just now. i had to play it. man, i love that piece. it was the piece that my teacher and i played together. he wanted us to play it in the bart stations together. that never happened.

2. related to the second item, i received an email from a guy i know but have not talked to for a while. coincidentally, he has been in my thoughts lately, and i'm not sure why. when things ended between us, i told him that i wasn't sure what value he added to my life, and then he decided on his own that he was tired of waiting to see if i could find value in a friendship with him. the email today basically contained a URL to a list of zen koans, riddles.

part of me actually thinks that i'm not smart enough to understand these. he had given me a small book of koans last year, and i tried to get into it, but i honestly got confused. maybe i wasn't in the mindset to understand. my mind may be more open to them now. we'll see.

3. i may return the boots.

****

so, tonight i went to box. i wasn't sure how i was going to feel about that. my rational, sophisticated self thought that i'd be fine with it. but the emotional side thought that i'd have issues seeing and interacting with the guy who teaches the class.

i must be the only one who reads the damn schedule, cuz i was the only one there for class. so, basically, i had a private training session with him. great. however, i was surprisingly fine.

i had to ask myself the "value add as a friend" question in regard to this guy, and i realized that i honestly don't know him well enough to have an answer to it yet.

he was friendly during class, and afterwards we chatted a bit and made plans to meditate later this week. yes, meditate. although i know that i don't NEED him in order to do this, it might be good as he suggested, to have a guide of sorts. who knows. i'm acquiescing. i'm letting it happen as it will.

during class, he said something ironic. of course it was in the context of boxing and moving in towards your opponent in order to avoid getting hit. sometimes if you move away, you get into better range for his punch. he said something to the effect of "you have to get closer in order to avoid getting hurt." man. that was RIPE for comment, but i resisted. maybe boxing is a metaphor for life.

*****

so, i am actually feeling pretty good. i'm tired from the workout, but energized, too. i've made some music. i'm going to take a shower and then sit down to do some work. a lot of work.

*****

i just got an email from another long-time-no-speak-guy with whom i actually DID have the *you add no value to my life and i don't need any more friends* talk. there must be something in the air. it's not irritating, ego-stroking, or anything. it's just funny.

"If there is to be any peace it will come through being, not having." - Henry Miller

monday is nearly over, and it has been a long one. the work day went quickly, but i didn't get as much done as i had hoped. i went to the gym, and although i did more push ups than usual, my run was difficult. maybe it was my new shoes. maybe i was tired. whatever the reason, it was rough. i took a quick shower before heading to ceramics.

i wear a princeton sweatshirt that i found in my closet, which i think might have actually belonged to the exgirlfriend of an exboyfriend. it's already covered in clay from last week. my jeans are old and full of holes, but they are perfect. i must look like a disaster walking out of the gym.

ceramics was not that great tonight. i took a long time trimming two pieces i had thrown last week. after i finished the first one, i turned it over to sign and date it. i paused. i hadn't made it with anyone in mind. in the center, i wrote "patience". with the zen theme in mind, on the second piece i wrote "inner peace". it looks like a beehive, the second piece. i'm not sure why i wrote that on the bottom.

****

so in spite of being lucid today, i have been thinking about that conversation i had yesterday. a couple of interesting things:
1. i have never had a man tell me that the sex was precluding him from getting to know me. after i thought about this, i appreciated the comment. i don't think he was feeding me a line.

2. i have never asked myself if i was in the right head space for a relationship. when i have met people in the past, i have either had relationships or passed on them because of how this person and i interact. i have never considered whether i was in the right mental or emotional state to have a relationship with anyone. maybe i should.

i got home from a nice dinner last night with matte, ande, todd, and june. we went to xyz, and although we went for the dine about town prix fixe, only june got the deal. i didn't mind, though, as i was happy with my meal.

i have to remember not to drink when i'm feeling a little blue.

when i got home, i was really really sad. it was initiated by a conversation i had earlier in the afternoon, but i realized, even in my haze last night, that it wasn't about the conversation. it was about the larger questions about life, the future, and relationships.

luckily, i took some ibuprofen and a multivitamin last night, and the only evidence of my rough night are bags under my eyes.

i woke up, before my alarm again, and i was ok. i was surprisingly peaceful. i'm not preoccupied. i'm actually pretty focussed. i'm reminded again that things will happen in time.

i've been reading that book before going to bed for the last couple of nights. i'm not sure if it's helping or hurting my sleep patterns. a few things i've learned...
there is something called "ji" in japanese, i believe, and it means individual.
on a related note, there is another word, "jin", which i also believe is japanese, and it means "mind". jin is my sister's name.

it made me think about names, and if they directly or indirectly affect the way a person is. i know i've asked my mother if my name had meaning, and i think she told me something relating to a flower, but i can't remember. obviously, it was not that compelling. i will always remember that "ji" in the context of this book means individual.

i was talking to matte today about how i have been reading about zen, and he said that religious people have a saying. "if you want to make God laugh, make plans." i understand. everything comes in time, in its own time. i do understand this, in spite of being a planner. i definitely make plans to do things, but they are generally short term things. i have no idea what my future will be and i'm ok with that. there are things that i hope it to be, but i know that things will happen, as they are supposed to. i have faith in that, and i am humble enough to know that some things are out of my control.

the message/lesson for me during 2003 was all about timing. the importance of timing. the incontrollable nature of timing. i was reminded of this over and over again. maybe i didn't learn it well enough last year, as i'm faced again with situations around it. or, perhaps, it's something that i will be reminded of for the rest of my life.

i woke up today, before my alarm. i don't know why, but i sort of anticipated it last night. i went to bed around 12.30 and set my alarm for 9. i've been trying to give myself 8 hrs of sleep a night, and i usually have no trouble with it. i'm actually surprised that my eyes opened at 7.30. after about a half an hour of trying to go back to sleep mixed with thoughts of getting out of bed, i decided on the latter. i could see the glow of the sun behind my closed blinds and i considered the surf. so here i am, online.

the surf actually looks pretty good today, but i'm not sure that i'll go. i have tentatively promised hillary to go to some open houses. i don't think i'll go, though, as i still haven't really thought about my motivations for wanting a house. i think i should do that before i invest the time to go to open houses.

as is the usual, i received my nytimes online. i found an interesting article on blogs. it focusses on teens blogging, but i think some of it rings true for me, as well. the entire article is here.

also from today's times:
On Jan. 11, 1935, aviator Amelia Earhart began a trip from Honolulu to Oakland, Calif., becoming the first woman to fly solo across the Pacific Ocean.

****

last night i had dinner with maria and sunhee at maya. i enjoyed our meal and it was fun to see them. we caught up since the last time we had dinner together at sunhee's. sunhee had gone to 111 minna the night before for something called "date my friend". it was a let down. i guess when it originally started, it was more exclusive; you had to be invited to attend. this time, although there were invitations, they were letting in everyone who could pay the $5 cover and was willing to wait in line. there was no benefit to rsvp-ing, and she said it seemed like a free for all. a lot of random people were there, and the crowd was not to her liking. ah well. i told her that it sounded like any other bar scene. i have never liked that scene, and i have to date, never met anyone of interest at a bar.

****

i feel like i have a lot to do today. i'd like to get some stuff to organize my bedroom a bit. i don't like looking at the clothes sitting on my bookshelf. it was a cludge solution when i moved in, and i should have changed it long ago. i also have to do some work, but this is not very compelling to me. it would be nice to get outside, too. maybe i'll drive to the ocean and stop at wise to get some gloves for surfing.

i was telling souris the other day that i am starting to feel a little escapist again. i hope the funk that i had during the middle of last year is not returning. i really need it to be gone.