i got some downtime today. i had thought about going for a run out by lands end, but i didn't get to it. i thought about running down on 3rd street, but i remembered how my legs ached from running on pavement. i decided to stayin.

after i did my laundry, i cleaned my room and practiced my violin. i didn't play the bruch today, but i played some old pieces like the bach, a mozart concerto, and a bit of beethoven. it was good to play today, and i'm glad that i'm still relatively in tune.

i showered, meditated for about 10 min, and got ready to go out. i'm waiting for matte and ande now. i wish that i had planned my day a little better so that i could meditate for longer, but i got wrapped up in some work and it was nearly 6 before i knew it.

i thought about skipping the meditation and doing it tomorrow, but i remembered what paul and matte had said. even 10 minutes is good. i wasn't comfortable sitting today. i had to readjust my legs and hands a few times. i don't think my back and head were in the proper alignment. i'll do it again tomorrow and hopefully it will be better.

i keep thinking about what i read earlier today. essentially, i read it as that i everything i'm seeking is really inside of me. i know this is true, but i don't think it means that i'm supposed to isolate myself from the world either.

as i was doing my laundry, i read a bit more from "living by zen" and found this passage particularly interesting:

"... 'it is like being deeply immersed in the great ocean; the waves are over your head, yet you do not stop stretching your arms and pitifully asking for water.' zen is like this ... but the thing we can never understand is that we are so consistuted as to be ever curious about discovering what we are and where we are and why. ... the study of zen requires a great intellectual integrity and strength of character. the persistent pursuit of one task is no easy business, especially when this involves the disregard of worldly affairs.

first comes the awakening of 'great intelligence', which makes us wonder what it is that acquaints us with the presence of the great ocean while we ourselves are deeply immersed in it. this separation of ourselves fromt he all-embracing, all-submerging 'ocean' is the function of intelligence, for it is because of this that we crave fro the water of life. here lies the great spiritual tragedy of man; the water of life is desired, and this water surrounds him, enters into every fibre and every cell of his tissues, is indeed himself, and yet he does not realize it and seeks it outside himself, even beyond the 'great ocean'.

the intelligence is a great mischief-worker, and yet without it we shall never be able to wake up the greater one. it separates us from the ocean in which we live; if not for this separation we should be found forever slumbering under the wavees, blind and ignorant. the only trouble is ... that we look for 'the great ocean' in words, concepts, and their various combinations, and the result is that we know nothing, understand nothing, and when eople ask fro help we completely fail to satisfy them, saying nothing about our own spiritual realisation."

i've just crawled out of bed, finally. i actually first woke up around 8, which was way too early. i only got into bed at 3am. i forced myself to stay in bed until now, but it was hard. i have a lot on my mind. taxes. work. travel plans. it's beautiful outside. the sun is out and the sky is cloud-free. my head is hazy.

last night, i met up with joanne and anuja, two friends from grad school. i had temporarily lost touch with some friends from school and anuja was one of them. over dinner at beaucoup, which was delicious, we caught up on our lives from the past few months. i told them about my travel plans, love life, etc. i told them that although i don't know what will happen, i've been happy and focussed since i decided to leave. joanne pointed out that the important thing was that it changed my attitude. it has. i've been happy, friendly. i smile at people. i chat with people i don't know. i generally have a good outlook on life.

anuja lives with melissa, another friend from school. mel was supposed to come to dinner but bailed out last minute. apparently, mel is moving out to live with her boyfriend. i am so out of the loop.

although we're all happy for her and we all recognize that people outside of a relationship never know it as well as or to the level of detail that those who are in the relationship, apparently some things were said in a drunken state that made us all a little wary. it made me think about drinking, what people say when they're drunk, and what it *really* means.

i've certainly said things that i wouldn't normally say when i've had too much to drink. it's easy to say "i didn't mean it. i was drunk", but i've probably felt or thought those things subconsciously and the alcohol removed the filter or brought them into my consciousness. are they better said and brought into the open or should they have been processed internally first?

the conversation also brought up the question of epiphanies. are there really such things? can you literally change your thoughts and feelings over night? i've had epiphanies. i think it's possible to wake up one day and realize that something's got to change or understand something that was previously a mystery.

after dinner, we met up with jane, hillary, and kat at the lac. it was nice to bring these two groups of friends together. they got along well, too. i got kat a celebratory drink, as it was her last day of work. she's going to take 3 months off. anuja and joanne left around midnight, but the rest of us closed down the bar and went our separate ways.

*****

i've been considering an internal move within my company. i have the chance to work on a different product and it's an interesting option. the product speaks to me more than the one i'm currently on.

i've always considered myself a helper, a conduit, a connector of people, and this would allow me to do this in a way that would impact more people at once. i'm not sure what i'm going to do yet. i have to think about it seriously this weekend.

*****

i've had little downtime this week, and it has been my fault. i've had something every evening since sunday night. i'm also going out to dinner tonight and tomorrow. i'm supposed to climb with hillary today, but i'm thinking that i may need to reschedule and just spend some time on my own. my house is a mess and i have to do my laundry.

*****

since i'm still one of the only people who does not have a cd in the car, i listen to a lot of radio. usually, i switch between 102.1 (classical), 104.9, 101.3, and 97.3. the last three are generally of the same genre. lately, i've been listening to a lot more hip hop and rap stations: 94.9, 98.1, and 106.1. it puts me in a good mood and speaks to my body.

i often her a song by outkast, "i love the way you move". fortunately or unfortunately, it reminds me of someone who said those words to me recently. part of me wonders if i'm just torturing myself.

******

so i've been invited to join orkut recently and since i've been on that network, i've been asked to join the networks of a few people i don't really know that well. it puts me in an awkward position, and it's funny, too, cuz it's just an online network. i mean, what does that really mean? why would someone ask me to join their friends list when we're not really friends? i've even gotten requests from people i haven't talked to in years or have never really talked to, ever.

if i reject the request, it sends a strong message. i've accepted them all as a result. it's just odd that something like this can even send *a message*. i guess they want to have a lot of people in their network. i know there's no harm in it, and you never know who you will meet.

over dinner, patrick and i talked about my travel plans. he's travelled quite a bit for work and i'm definitely going to pick his brain in the coming months for location ideas. i told him that i was considering starting after july or so instead of january so that i could save more for the trip. after starting on my taxes tonight, it seems like the better option.

he suggested starting in september so i would have a couple of months to prepare. i could still quit my job in july and enjoy a month in sf, packing and storing things at a reasonable pace instead of trying to do everything all at once. additionally, arriving in auckland in september would be nice from a weather perspective. there's even a direct flight from sf. i could see new zealand, make my way around australia and then go to bali and tahiti before going to asia. i could make my way to india by january or so, and then go down to africa for a few months in the early part of 2006 while the temperatures are still bearable. he was excited to meet me in europe for a month in the late spring. i could spend the summer and beginning of fall in europe and return to the us via nyc and visit friends there. i could be in chicago for christmas and return to sf for the new year.

although the trip would be longer than a year, i think i'd be ok with that.

september, 2005 seems like an eternity away. maybe i'd have a birthday/bon voyage party before i took off. i had actually been thinking about what i would do for my birthday if i was away. i've never spent a birthday alone.

he reminded me that time passes quickly and that september would be here in no time. i guess i'm a little worried that i'll lose momentum for this trip. who knows what will happen during the time until i plan to leave. however, i know it will all happen as it will.

i have somehow managed to do something every night this week. i had considered staying in tonight as well, but i'm going to have a quiet and short dinner with patrick and then do some work.

i have been incredibly busy at work this week, and i feel like i've gotten very little done. it's starting to stress me out a little bit. this morning i woke up to dreams about the order process i'm working on for a project. ugh. i hate dreaming about work.

this weekend is looking pretty packed, too. i agreed to dinner with some friends i haven't seen in a long while on friday night. it will be fun, but i have to go into work for a few meetings, so i know the day will feel long. on saturday, i was thinking of surfing, but now i'm reconsidering. i may just climb indoors with hillary instead. saturday night i have dinner with matte and ande at one market. i'm looking forward to that. they're fun. sunday evening i have dinner with patrick and dave at 500 jackson. maybe i'll have some down time on sunday. i have to plan for that on both days this weekend. i haven't spent any time alone for a while it seems, outside of the car.

on the ride home today with matte, we talked about yoga and meditation. he said that he used to meditate a long time ago and that it really helped him. i'm not sure why he stopped. he also used to do a lot of yoga, but hasn't in a while. again, i'm not sure why he stopped. i encouraged him to return to both activities. i did yoga today at lunch and it was great. it's usually a good experience for me. i know i needed it today. i hope matte goes back to meditation. maybe we can sit together.

i went to see david bowie last night at the hp pavilion. in spite of it being in a big venue, i really enjoyed it. bowie played a long first set of nearly 2 hours and then had a four song encore. his band was tight, the background images were beautiful and modern, and he looked FANTASTIC. the man is still sexy at 57. he's either 57 or 58, as i remember he turned 50 the last time i saw him in ny, which was in either 96 or 97.

he had a great mix of old and new songs, but the show was skewed slightly to the last album, reality. i really like reality. it's loads better than heathen, his penultimate one, which was difficult to like. i listened to it over and over again, hoping it would just take time. i never got into it.

it was cool to see that his bassist and other members of the band were still with him, sometimes for 30 yrs. there's something to be said about performance experience. the crowd was also mixed: people with kids, people like me, and then older guys who may have even seen him as ziggy.

macy gray opened for him and she played a good show, as well. it was probably a little disappointing for her to see a half-full stadium. however, her fro definitely took up a lot of space.

as a result of my late night, i'm moving slowly this morning. luckily all of my meetings for the day have been cancelled, so i can work from home before heading into the office in a bit.

i'm looking forward to the evening of sushi and celebration with some women from work.

i'm also anticipating tomorrow night, when i'm not going to do anything. i want to sit, read, and think. i haven't had much time to do that this week.

*****

the other day i got an email that i knew would bother me. i did something i wouldn't have normally done. i didn't read it. i just deleted it. i felt empowered by choosing to avoid the impending drama.

i literally had five hours of meetings today. ugh.

i'm heading out to pick up jane at the train. we're going to get a quick bite and then head down to sj to see bowie.

my brain is scattered and my body is tired, but i'm hoping that the food and music will change my current state.

i had a lot on my mind last night before i went to sleep. i think it was due to two factors: 1. i left my computer at work and i did not write last night, and 2. i talked with paul about my plans to cash out, quit, and travel. he had a different take on this idea, and i haven't given myself time to digest it. i feel like i haven't given myself time to do digest anything today, including my lunch.

in another email, i got this ...

I don't know how Mrs. D. picked the blogs she used but she says that yours is the new "lost generation" so she was showing us how it compares to the elite classes in Russia before the revolution. Sometimes the wording is almost identical! My dad says he agrees with Mrs. D. and he's about the same age as you are, I think -- but he's not totally sure about the Russia part. :-)

not sure what to think about this. have to think a bit.... but i know in may, 03, i was definitely lost. don't know about now.

i got this email today:

Today is International Day of The Very Good Looking, Beautiful and Damn
Attractive People, so send this message to someone you think fits this
description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already
received over fifty thousand messages and my inbox is jammed.

apologies to those i may have missed in the email forwarding.

ok, i got a response from the original commentor.

It was Mrs. D's lecture ... that crosses over with the Humanities and Language Arts classes, so it was to the whole junior high. I think the theme was something like "Ambivalence and Identity," comparing the three sons in The Brothers Karamazov with contemporary people who might be about the same age as the Karamazovs were. Pretty good stuff.

don't know what to think about this. maybe i should read the brothers karamazov.

*****

i just got in from the travis show at the warfield. OMG what an amazing show. admittedly, i was not very familiar with travis's music. i have heard a few songs, but i do not own any of their music. i'm definitely going to get some now. the first song in the encore was an acoustic version of a song that the lead singer did on his own. nearly the entire audience honored his request for silence while he sang, as it was definitely difficult to hear.

the band was really interesting and fun to watch. they have five guys and they all have very different performance styles. the lead singer seems to be such a sweetheart. i really listened to the lyrics and i can tell that they are intelligent, aware, spiritual people. they definitely get it.

the opener was a guy who used to be in the band jellyfish. he started his set with a few songs that were solely him and his guitar. then, he says "i'm going to be milli and vanilli" and procedes to explain how he's going to play a recording off of his cd that has the guitar and vocals stripped. he plugs in his IPOD and the room fills with lush music! how cool.

i know it's going to be hard to see bowie at the hp pavilion after this show.

i recently found out that my blog was in an 8th grade social studies lecture. i don't know how or why it was in this lecture. can someone tell me?

i just got in from pacifica. i was going to surf at linda mar, but as i was about to head out, rebecca was heading in after an hour of being thrashed in the water. she said that it was incredibly big and that she only *almost* got up twice. there were loads of hardcore guys out there, as well. although i considered going out there anyway, i decided against it. we got coffee and went down to rockaway beach to watch the surfers for a while. rockaway is generally a more difficult surf spot. understandably, there were only a few people in the water. the waves were closing out quickly, too.

maybe i'll go tomorrow morning before work, but i doubt it.

i still feel like i'm just waking up. i should be getting ready to go to a new years get together, but i'm feeling unmotivated and not incredibly social. yesterday must have saturated me.

tonight i'm going to travis at the warfield.