rebecca and i went to get haircuts at supercuts on 24th street in noe. i am low maintenance about my hair. i get it cut every few months, and i'm lucky to have straight, uniform hair. i spent $16 today ($14 + $2 tip). we walked around 24th street for a while. i got a shirt.

we headed over to john's house to grill with the guys who had finished playing ultimate frisbee in glen park. this is the regular crew: john e, john l, scott, jeff, and matt. it was a little strange for me to be there, as one of the guys had asked for my email address the last time i saw him, which was months ago. i gave it to him, but i wasn't really interested in him. i just didn't know how to say no. it was fine.

additionally, there was another guy there who i have flirted with on a few other occasions, before and after i knew that i he had a girlfriend. i wasn't proud of that one. today i was was friendly, but not flirty.

i left around 6 so that i could do my laundry. i don't really feel like going out tonight, so i rented velvet goldmine to reminisce about the bowie show last week. they didn't have the power of one or endless summer, unfortunately. i thought about replicating part of the endless summer journey on my trip, but i've never seen the movie.

*****

i'm still a little bothered by the dream i had on thursday night. i don't put a lot of stock into dreams, but i can't seem to shake it.

i could not wait to go out last night. the rain on the way out to the east bay was a bit of a bummer, but dinner was pretty good and the music was even better at yoshis. mccoy tyner played with four other gentlemen: ravi coltrane, who is john coltrane's son, pharoah saunders, a cool looking cat with a white fro and beard who also played sax, charnett moffett, the double bassist, and eric harland, the drummer, both of whom were about ravi's age i would guess.

it was great to watch this last night. they were all great, but moffett was particularly amazing. he played the double bass in ways i had never seen, almost like a guitar, playing chords, and moved up and down the fingerboard with speed and accuracy. it's a tough instrument to command.

after the show, i met up with willo, jane, kat, and hillary. they had had a great night as stewardesses. we ended up at the lac for a final drink, which i didn't have. i had had enough at yoshi's. i was home around 2.

i forced myself to stay in bed until rebecca called at 12. i woke up briefly at 8.30 but decided that it was too early. now, i'm trying to decide what to do with my day. it's gorgeous out. the sun is shining brightly and there aren't any competing clouds.

i just checked the surf report at a new to me site, and it doesn't look good at pacifica. maybe tomorrow will be better. i'm supposed to go with melissa. i feel like i should be outside, but i have a bunch of crap to do. laundry, oil change, hair cut, returns at target. i know if i don't do them this weekend, i'll have to wait until next weekend to get them done, and i have to do the laundry before monday's bootcamp. i could do the run at lands end.

i was going to go to the moma to see the arbus exhibit. it's leaving tomorrow. i should probably just do that for an hour.

it's strange how much the weather affects me. it's not like the sun doesn't shine regularly. this is san francisco after all. however, i feel like i NEED to do something outdoors today. i just don't know what that is.

souris has been asked to speak about gaming at wharton's mba conference. kudos!

*****

i get three free subscriptions delivered to work: budget living, interview and fhm. i got fhm today, and paris hilton is on it. oddly, the magazine seems to have been thumbed through before having been delivered to my mailbox.

*****

on the way in to work today, i stopped at the gas station. since the sun was shining, i decided to change the bulb on my headlamp. i felt WILD satisfaction opening up the hood of my car, peering into the headlamp area in my knee-length skirt and boots, feeling the weight of the older men's eyes on me in the unusually busy gas station, and successfully changing the bulb.

i'm going to try an oil change next.

*****

coincidentally, part of my horoscope reads:

The idealism and spiritual focus associated with your rising sign are accentuated today by the Sun-Neptune conjunction. You may decide that you want to dedicate your life to helping others through spiritual pursuits - perhaps through healing or teaching. You'll have to get into it gradually, however; it's not an easy field to succeed in. Don't quit your day job just yet!

i made it through the first week of bootcamp, and i actually feel pretty good. yesterday, we had a relatively mellow workout. we stretched and did circuit training in the gym with a partner. i worked with carl, a 42 yr old police investigator. he's cool. he used to train with paul when he was preparing for a taekwondo tournament. somehow, i knew when he said "martial arts" it was tkd. i think i may know him from my past life, but i didn't pursue it. he said that my encouragement helped him get through the workout.

yesterday at lunch, i did yoga at work. i was a little worried about how that would be, but i felt surprisingly strong. maybe i'm already feeling the benefits of bootcamp. paul had said that it would be both a physically and mentally strengthening experience. i know this is true. i have already gained from it mentally.

this morning, we ran. i could kind of tell we were going to do that, as jeremy was there, and he was there on wednesday, which was the other day this week that we ran. this time we did hills. we ran from the gym, up 20th street to vermont. oh my god. those are some serious hills.

at the top of the hill, there is a small park for kids. we did a bunch of exercises there and then ran down a different way to cesar chavez and then back to the gym. unfortunately, claire got tapped by a cabbie. she didn't go down, but she was definitely in shock. i hope she's ok. they called a policeman to make a statement, just in case. the woman in the bootcamp who i thought might be a stripper or body builder turned out to be an undercover policewoman. wow. she took a statement, too.

back at the gym, i stretched and chatted with christine. she's another woman in the class. she's an acupuncturist. i told her about my past experience with acupuncture and she suggested that i probably would benefit from it. she also told me that my encouragement while we ran was helpful to her.

it's interesting cuz lately it seems that a lot of different people, more than just the few in the bootcamp, have been telling me that my words of encouragement as well as my general outlook on life has been a positive influence on them. i wonder if this is what my psychospiritual counselor from a couple years back had meant when she said that i would find my life path in this kind of work. maybe this is what i'm supposed to do with my life.

i've known people who have gone to see life coaches, and they've been good for them. i don't really know what a *life coach* does, but i'm going to investigate it. maybe this is what i'm supposed to do.

*****

i got an email yesterday from one of my first boyfriends in college. he was the first guy with whom i fell in love. part of his email was the following:

Your musings on your BLOG are interesting. You’ve certainly experienced a whirlwind of events and events in your life, and you’re different for that. However, regardless of how and how often the outlying shells and persona of “JEE” change, I still feel that your core spirit burns unchanged and as strong as ever. I think that’s why even though we don’t communicate a lot, for whatever reasons, I still feel comfortable with your essence.

it's true. he and i don't talk very much at all. he's busy with life in dc, his wife, and job. however, when we do talk/see each other, it's as if we've talked daily. i wonder why that's true. maybe you just connect with some people and that never changes.

i am curious, though, as to what he considers my *core spirit*. people have asked me that in the past: with all the changes i've gone through, what's stayed the same? it's a challenging question to me. i guess some things that have remained the same are my love for life, learning, and people. however, i'll still ask him what he thinks it is.

*****

last night/this morning, i had a slightly disturbing dream. i know dreams aren't that important, but i was still a little bothered by it. i dreamed that a guy i had been seeing, but am no longer seeing in the same capacity, told me that he wanted to start seeing me again, but that he had already been seeing other people. he wanted me to join the group of girls he was seeing. i was sort of shocked by this and felt a betrayed by his statement. i don't know why i dreamed this. i don't think he would ever say this to me in real life. i don't think that he's that kind of person. maybe subconsciously i think he is. i tried to shake it off this morning and focus on the training.

*****

tonight i'm going to yoshi's with sherrett. i can't wait to have a martini and sushi and to listen to some great jazz.

this morning, i got a tip from monica regarding sore muscles. she suggested an epsom salt bath, but i can't do baths. if anyone knows of a remedy for sore muscles that doesn't require complete immersion, please email me.

by the time i left the gym the sun had come out in full force. driving home, i looked at the skyline, and it looked like a golden city. i do love the sf skyline. i'm so glad that i can see it regularly.

i'm working from home today, and it's actually good, cuz i just realized that one of my headlights is out. i had replaced one a year or so ago, so i know i can do it. at least my 80k engineering degree is good for something.

i dreamed about work last night. there were moments in the middle of the night or morning, that i thought for sure it was time to get up, but i refused to open my eyes to look at the clock. i would have to get up soon enough.

i got to the gym this morning. it wasn't open yet. there were a couple other people waiting. one person was missing this morning. we ran (i knew it was going to be this morning) to the ballpark, which is not a bad run. however, it was humbling. i was towards the end of the pack on the way there. i don't think i'm a competitive person, but i found myself not wanting to be dead last. on the way back, i was towards the front of the group. maybe i am competitive. i know this will be a humbling experience, and i'm ok with that. i expected to be challenged, and i have been.

today was hard. i was getting tired in the ring and i took some shots to the body today, which definitely winded me a bit. i'm not used to getting hit. i have boxed for a few years, but not in the ring, and with little contact. the guy with whom i was sparring was definitely going at it. i didn't complain, though. i just took it, and even told g (gerard) that if we ever partnered again, to go at it full force, as he had today. i need to learn this. later, paul told me that he was hitting hard.

my body has been freaking out. my muscles must be inflamed or something, as they'll spasm or feel bloated. it's strange. i'm sure my muscles are thinking "what are you doing??? are you insane???"

someone asked me yesterday why i was doing this, and i said that it was ego. i didn't even really think about the question before the answer came out. i don't know if it's ego. i never thought i had a big ego. maybe i do.

my mind and body has been too tired lately to think much more about my travel. i'll have to carve out some time this weekend.

i just got home from dinner at mike's. rosanna is away on business until tomorrow night, so i went over there after work to make dinner for us. mike's not big on seafood, but he likes salmon. that's what i made. salmon, brussel sprouts, which are my new favorite veggie when done well, and asparagus. i got a little loaf of focaccia and some cherry garcia froyo to top it off. i forgot the wine at my house, and mike doesn't really drink, so i'm having a half of a glass now. i have a feeling i will need it to go to sleep.

although i'm tired, i'm afraid that my mind will be too active to fall asleep quickly. i'm planning to be in bed by 9.15 at the latest.

*****

i got an email today from a guy who taught with me in nj. i haven't heard from him in years. i actually think that i might have seen his ex-wife more recently than him. in any case, he moved here from ny not long ago and contacted me.

coincidentally, i was flipping through the latest newsletter from the school in nj. i read about some of my former students; some of them are starting their own companies, going to medical school, completing phd programs, and having children. time flies. it also reminds me that change is always possible. the most unlikely students are the ones that seem to be having the most success, at least from these updates. i'm happy for them.

*****

i'm going to work from home tomorrow. *smile*

*****

i was invited to a wedding recently as a pinch hit date for my manager. it is the wedding of a colleague. i told him, almost immediately, that i wasn't interested in going as i thought there might be some drama there. he told me to think about it. so, i did.

after talking to sherrett about it, i realized that there really wasn't any reason to go to the wedding. i mean, there are other ways to congratulate the bride and groom. i don't really need to be there, and if they had really wanted me there, they would have invited me. our conversation reinforced my original decision, to avoid the drama. that's part of my new mantra for the year: streamline.

*****

i was talking to willo the other day. she had gone down to san diego and told me that she received an email from a guy i know down there who apparently also reads her blog, in addition to mine. they were at the same show, and he had not had the chance to say hello to her, so he wrote her an email. this in and of itself is not that interesting. what is interesting is that this guy had removed me from his *friendster* list cuz he didn't want contact from people in my *network*. funny how he sought it out this time.

Word of the Day for Tuesday February 3, 2004

languor \LANG-guhr; LANG-uhr\, noun:
1. Mental or physical weariness or fatigue.

how appropriate.

i am sore. my legs are sore. my back is sore. my stomach is sore. muscles i didn't think i had are sore. oh my god.

i went to ceramics last night. i trimmed three pieces and hauled ass home. i had been thinking about my bed since about 7pm. we finally reunited around 10.30. oddly, my brain was active, and my usual self-coaxing to sleep were not immediately successful.

i actually went to sleep in the workout clothes i wore this morning. i knew it would be hard to get out of bed.

today's regimen:
15 min jumping rope
4 sets of the following:
20 pushups
20 tricep dips
20 jumping squats
20 regular squats
20 motion drills
20 jumping jacks
20 situps
20 arm circles (arms extended, both directions)

in between each of these, we sprinted to the mirror and back, which is about 50 ft.

it's about 6.40 by now.

6.40 - 7.10: shadowboxing with a partner and combination drills in the ring with gloves
7.10 - 7.25: 3 min rounds on the heavy bags, with 30 sec squat, held
7.25 - 7.30: more abs
7.30 - 7.35: vinyasas

all in all, it was actually not that bad of a workout. it definitely could have been harder, but i think he's easing us into it.

again, i'm appreciative that we didn't run in the rain. i know we're going to have to do it sometime.

i stayed to stretch a bit on my own, cuz i didn't do it yesterday, and my body was punishing me today. by the time i left the gym, the sun had come out, and 3rd street was alive with people.

there were new people in today's session, so now there are 12 of us. one of the women was wearing makeup this morning. i found that odd. however, her whole look was kind of odd, so i guess the makeup actually *worked* on the whole.

only 27 more classes. i just remembered that the last one is a group breakfast.

i can't wait to go to bed early tonight.

i woke up before my alarm this morning in the middle of a dream in which i was late for boot camp. in the dream, it was a quarter to 6am, and i was rushing around my room, a room that i think was mine at age 14. a girl i know who i haven't seen in a long time was in my room with me, watching me rush around. "it's 5.55. you're not going to make it," she said.

when i opened my eyes, my clock said 5.25. it's 8 minutes fast. i debated staying in bed. i could hear the rain hit against the windows of my bedroom. i knew it would be raining. *sigh*. i was not looking forward to the run in the rain.

i got up, turned on my espresso machine, which was ready to go, as i had had the foresight to prepare my coffee last night. every minute counts in the morning for me.

i know why the girl was in my dream. she is a girl who is loosely associated with my past life, pre-2000. as i drove to the gym, i appreciated that it was 4 minutes from my house. i was driving slowly. i remembered when i used to live with herb years ago, and when he would get up at this time to work out with yong, a girl we hung out with a lot. she lived next door and drove with him to the gym. i rarely, if ever went with them. they did a taekwondo workout, and i was never into it. i would run and do other stuff with them, but this didn't usually occur in the early morning hours. if it did, i didn't usually go with them.

by the time i got to the gym there were already six people there. i was on time, and a few others shuffled in a few minutes later. we started off with 15 minutes of jumping rope. then the fun began.

10 minutes warming up our arms and legs
15 minutes doing motion drills - bouncing, etc
60 squats at shoulder distance
60 squats at slightly wider than shoulder distance with toes pointed out
60 squats at slightly wider than shoulder distance with feet parallel
60 squats at an even wider stance
40 sit to standing sit ups
40 situps with a medicine ball over my head
20 pushups on my knees (every one started this way)
20 pushups at shoulder distance
20 pushups at wide distance
20 pushups at close distance
30 seconds at pushup stance down (arms bent)
30 seconds at pushup stance up (arms straight)
60 lower body situps (legs bent to chest then extended then lowered)
40 across the body situps on both sides
40 situps with legs up, arms reaching together
40 situps with legs up, arms reaching one at time across the body, both sides

by this time it was 7am. it goes until 7.30.

wrapped our hands, put our gloves on and hit the bags. one person to a bag.
i don't remember how many rounds we did. i think it was 7 or 8, doing the math. it's a 3 minute round. at least they were all speed punches instead of power.

the good thing is that i didn't quit. i did it all. however, i'm not sure if i'm going to be able to walk tomorrow.

then, he has the balls to say "running's not enough. you have to do pushups and situps 3 times a week." WTF.

why is it when you pay less attention to someone they pay more attention to you? in spite of saying that not wanting to play games with people, i'm starting to think that it might be inherent to people. there seems to be a little more attraction when there's mystery involved. how sad. why does it have to be like that? what about honesty? what about just putting it out there and telling people how you feel about them?

so now the question is, do i wake up at 5.30 am, monday through friday, for the next six weeks to take boot camp? he is giving me a *deal*, but geez. 5.30 am?

i've never done anything like this. i've never even considered myself athletic. i used to get c's in gym. those were the only c's i ever got in school. i've only really gotten into exercise in the last 10 years, so i'm still pretty new to it all as well as the perception that i am athletic or coordinated.

i'm sure boot camp will be a challenge. it will test me, both physically and mentally. in some ways i'm not sure that i will be up for the challenge. i want to spend this year getting into better shape so that while i'm away i won't have to worry about my health. i'm sure traveling for 12-15 months will take its toll on my body. i know, though, that if i decide to do it, i will have to do it for the right reasons. i think i'll probably do it.

*****

dinner at 500 jackson was great. i'll definitely go back again. i had a delicious entree of risotto with panseared dayboat scallops. that is my favorite combination. i'm definitely going to have to work out hard this week. we had several appetizers and shared a dessert, a brownie carmelized banana split. patrick brought a lovely bottle of wine to share, too. it was a 94 grgich hills cab. wow. the corkage was only $10 - another reason to go back.

*****

i guess i should start to get ready for bed now. how sad. it's not even 8pm. however, if i'm going to get up at 5.30, i know i'll need to be asleep in an hour or so.

i'm heading out to meet patrick and dave for dinner at 500 jackson. man, this has been an expensive weekend. this will be my first meal of the day, as i've only been awake for about five hours.

i had invited hillary to join us, but she's in need of some downtime, which i totally understand. we're having an early dinner cuz the boys are headed to the symphony. i can't wait to go later this month. yikes. it's already february.

if my energy level is high enough, i'm going to see a movie at the red vic about antonio gaudi. it looks good, and it's only there today and tomorrow. tomorrow's out cuz of ceramics. i still have to take some photos of the pieces i got back last week. i already gave patrick his gift and forgot to photograph it. hopefully he'll remember to take one and send it along.

i actually motivated to go to the gym up in russian hill. i have not been to gorilla in a long time. i'm still paying a membership, and it doesn't look like i'll be able to get out of my agreement until november. might as well use it. it was mellow, though, and i'm glad i went. i needed to sweat today. in spite of feeling sluggish, i still felt strong and had a good workout. i was hoping to sit today before dinner, but i didn't have time. maybe if my mind is settled, i'll do it before bed. i know that's not the optimal time, but it's either that or nothing.

i just remembered that i had a disturbing dream last night about my father. in it, he passed away, and i think i was actually crying in the dream. i kept trying not to dream it, but it wouldn't go away. the odd thing is that in the dream, i only knew that he was gone by a piece of paper that said it. i know why i dreamed about it. last night at dinner, matte, ande, and i were talking about living in a different country, like thailand, and matte mentioned that it would be hard for him to do that unless his father had passed away. it's kind of morbid, i know, but it wasn't said maliciously or in any negative light. it's just the reality of the situation. we are still children until our parents pass. it's a challenge that i face, although it may be subconsicous, to live my life as i want, without the impact of a sense of responsibility or expectation from my parents. i'm pretty good at doing it, but i know that it's still something i have to overcome from time to time.

i'm going to make sure that next week is not as hectic as this one was. i need to build in time to read and sit. i need to preserve time for myself. late nights are no good. all i do is drink and eat when i'm up late.

ok, off to dinner.

it's nearly noon. i just got up. there's a thin layer of mist on my windows.

last night i had dinner at one market with ande and matte. it was great. i don't know that i'd go back for a non-dine about town menu, as it was spendy, but i enjoyed our meal. after dinner, we met up with genghis at a bar on belden place called voda. it was small, narrow, and starckly designed. the walls were white and had white rectangular accents on the walls that allowed blue light to peek through. it reminded me of thin, a bar in san diego, but smaller.

it was a friend of genghis, vic's, birthday. matte and ande stayed for a while, but left before i did. i ended up closing the bar with genghis and his crew. i met a bunch of girls and a few random guys there. it seemed like a younger crew, and it reminded me of how much i dislike the bar scene.

i don't think i'll ever really meet anyone that interesting at a bar, other than girl friends. for me to want to talk to a guy at a bar, since i've really only got physical appearance as motivation, he has to be really striking. i so rarely find people attractive that the likelihood of seeing someone i would want to talk to is slim. this was the case last night.

i'm generally not this superficial. i was telling genghis that i've dated a wide range of men when it comes to physical appearance. i've dated guys who were sort of overweight and not particularly attractive to many and i've dated guys who, in my opinion, could have been models.

i talked to one guy who was with a couple of friends. he and one of his friends looked like they were blonde and brunette versions of each other. they both had longish curly hair and a small bit of facial hair underneath the bottom lip. the guy i talked to, gordon, is a surfer and musician, i think. when he asked me what i liked to do, i gave him my laundry list: surf, ceramics, play the violin, rock climb. i summed it up with "i'm a renaissance woman." when his friend asked me the same question, he proclaimed at the end "you're a renaissance woman." interestingly, he hadn't heard me say that to gordon. gordon asked for my number, and i'm not sure if i had had a pen or if his cell phone hadn't run out of juice, if i would have given him my number. he said he would remember my face when we ran into each other, which he thought was inevitable, at linda mar. uhm, ok.

after the bar, genghis, marlene, another girl, vic, and i went to chinatown for food. i didn't get home until 4. genghis and vic drove me back and in the car i waxed poetic on my views about life. vic asked genghis why he hadn't brought me out before. i don't have any interest in vic. he's an NGB, as is genghis.

oh, the joys of being single in the city. i told genghis earlier in the evening that men in sf were just retarded. this is a blanket statement, and it was probably encouraged by the cocktails. maybe it's just that the men that i find interesting, which are few and far between, don't know how to talk to me or ask me something interesting. however, i know it's not up to them to start the conversation. i could just as easily do it. i just don't.

the bar scene is interesting for people watching as well. there are so many girls who are trying too hard to be noticed. i don't think you have to show that much skin or be as made up to be interesting to people, but maybe you do. guys probably have the same standard that i do; the girl's got to be pretty attractive and striking to start a conversation. maybe skin and makeup are the motivators. who knows. i'm just not going to go that route. i was glad that the girl genghis showed interest in was not among this crowd. she was attractive, but it was clear without her having to be scantily clad and wearing caked on make up. i talked to her for a while and she seemed sweet, down to earth. i hope he gets some time with her.

now i'm trying to motivate to get outside for a run. its raining and cold, but it might be good for me to be outside for a while. i've eaten way too much in the early hours of the morning this weekend. i feel slow and sluggish.